[Butane]

Hello everyone, this will be my first post here, although I wish my first post could have been on a lighter note.

To start with, I am 19 and my husband is 37, I knew obviously that due to our age difference that there would probably be a difference in our libidos but I wasn't expecting it to differ this much, mainly do to the fact that before we even started dating my husband talked about sex and experimentation almost constantly, he also made wild predictions when we did start dating about how our sex life would be, basically I mean to say that he portrayed his libido much higher than what I've experienced.

We've only been married about 3 months and as it is I'm lucky if we have sex once every two weeks (we didn't even have sex on our wedding night), although to be honest we've never had sex as much as I'd like, and before anyone jumps to conclusions, I have spoken to him about this issue numerous times, I've also tried not talking about it at all, and also only mentioning it every once in a while and I get the same result: nothing has changed.

We have a great relationship and neither of us are overly stressed, it's just that our sex life is almost none existent and it truly bothers me. For a while I thought it could be me, that I was maybe not attractive enough for him or something of that nature, even though he's told me countless times that this isn't the case, so I don't know what the problem is, I mean he's only 37, his sex drive shouldn't be that low in my opinion, especially because he's married to a 19 year old.

He keeps telling me that he'll try to make it a priority, and a line of other excuses but nothing ever changes, and no more of an effort is made on his part. I really am at the end of my rope, I feel like I am unattractive, and I don't appeal to him sexually, also I'm just extremely frustrated because of the lack of sex to the point I feel inwardly loathsome of myself and maybe even secretly angry at him.

Is it wrong for me to find sex as important as I do? Is there anything I can do to rectify the current situation? Has anyone else dealt with something similar?

[jns]

I'm sorry your husband is that way. He should make pleasing you sexually more of a priority. Is he masturbating a lot or viewing porn a lot? Unfortunately it is he who will have to change if two of you are going to have more sex in your lives.

[Nholland]

I am 26 and my boyfriend 42 , we have a great sex life and are completely on the same level. However he takes steroids due to medical necessity (he had testicular cancer) so maybe thats why his sex drive is good. so maybe a testosterone supplement would help. I know it's a sensitive issue but maybe u should suggest he talk to a doctor about his testosterone level?

[DreamP346]

I totally feel for you since I am in a similar situation and have spent a lot of time working on our relationship this past year. There are a bunch of things you can try:

1) See a sex therapist. They are usually marriage counsellors as well and help you with communication issues that you may not even know you had
2) Talk to him. Not about that you are sexually unforfilled, but about what other options are out there. Maybe he just hasn't found the stuff that really get him going.
3) Reevaluate what sex is. We are often trained to think for sex as just intercourse and if so don't get that then its not sex. Do you cuddle and kiss? Do you share other physical contacts?
4) Have him get is testosterone levels checked. They usually decrease after 40, so if he is like this now, his libido will only be doing further down.
5) Consider an open relationship if that is something you might be up for.

Hope some of this suggestions help you.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think sometimes libido can be irrevelent to the frequency of sexual activity if your partner truly is concerned for making you happy. If you are making it clear you want more intimacy with him... whether or not he is organically in the mood... there are things he could do to make an effort to give YOU pleasure without involving his penis at all.

Like SP mentions, I'd take the focus off of 'sex' and put the focus back on intimacy, laying close, massages, flirting, teasing, frequent touches, compliments... all without any expectation of intercourse. Like JNS mentions, if he is masturbating frequently, it could be taking away from his energy from you.

Sadly some men do not realize the effect it has even when the results are obvious. I've seen men come in here and say " I have a low drive, I have a hard time getting excited for sex with with my wife... but i masturbate 3 times a day without any problems.. so whats the matter?" its like duh... maybe if you didnt masturbate so much, your natural urges could be used for intimacy with HER, rather than just yourself...

So while not accusing him of that, you might want to let him know that you'd love for him to save most of his sexual energy for you.

Another thing is, takling about sex, desiring to have it... is a whole lot different than the practical side of it. Most men can talk that talk about how much they want to do with you, but they are less able (for the most part) to physically maintain that level of go-go-go. Recovery time, etc..

Another thing is their sex drives are way more affected by health and stress levels. If he is worried about finances, family, his job... anything of that nature it could effect him, also if he is having blood flow issues (not uncommon at his age), depression, medications, alcohol usage... all of that can play a role, not to mention fear of failure to pleasure you and sometimes its sheer laziness You just never know.

But you are not wrong for your feelings, hopefully you can address whether or not there are health isues that could be at play, or stress issues to see if this is a passing phase or something he might need to get a physical from the doctor over.

I would NOT suggest you go the route of your not performing up to par, go to the doctor get checked. That would be so hurtful and damaging. But rather if he hasn't had a physical in a while... suggest he get one for reasons completely unrelated to sex, obviously you love this man and care about his health and lack of blood flowing to the organ can be an indication of lack of blood flow to other more important organs as well.

[Stillness]

Welcome, Butane

Is it wrong for me to find sex as important as I do? Is there anything I can do to rectify the current situation? Has anyone else dealt with something similar?

Sex is pretty important in a marriage for bonding and satisfaction, so it's not wrong to fell like you do. A lot of people deal with this including me to some extent. I've been married 11 years and the situation has gotten a lot better through communication and patience.

If he's telling you over and over again that you're attractive, he's probably really finds you attractive. It's also probably no so much his age, but the simple fact that some people have differences in libido. Culturally we tend not to expect this from men, but in real life there are a lot of women in your position. Try to bring in up gently from time to time without pressuring or nagging. Believe me, I know how difficult it can be when you're unsatisfied, but be patient.