[BttflyKitten]

I am sure this issue has been discussed many times but this is my first time ever posting here. I just found this website and I am hoping to get a lot of help to the many questions I have about the various aspects of my life.

I am 41 years old and my boyfriend is 39. We have been together for more than 1½ years now. We had a great sex life at first but now it is down to nothing. I am always interested in sex and find my boyfriend very attractive. He doesn't seem to be interested in sex much anymore. We have not had sex since last July. It really bothers me but he could care less.

His last relationship lasted 3 years and they only had sex 3 times. I have told him that it is more important to me than that. I know sex is not the whole relationship but it is a pretty big part of it.

I have missed his "man-*****" days apparently. I have done everything from tell him how much I want to have sex to trying to initiate it only to be turned down harshly. I never hide the fact that I want to have sex. I will talk about it, hint about it, etc.. I have done everything I can think of.

He just tells me that sex is not that important to him. He likes where we are now. He would rather be sleeping next to the person he loves then to worry about sex all the time.

I love this man with my whole heart and I know he is the one for me. I just don't know how to handle this. I am so lost as to what I can do.

I am hoping to have a hysterectomy soon and would love to fix our sexual relationship before that happens.

Thanks in advance for any help.

[jns]

It's possible that the hysterectomy will lower your libido. Then your libidos could be matched. As it is, the two of you are mismatched when it comes to libidos. If nothing changes, you may come to resent that you get so little sex. There should be a compromise between what he wants and what you want, not always what he wants. If the roles were reversed I would also say that there should be a compromise. Generally, the person that wants sex the least controls the amount of sex in a relationship. Have a talk with him and lay it on the line. Don't hint, guys don't do hints. Maybe there is some reason he is uninterested in sex, such as masturbation, porn, ED, etc.

[BttflyKitten]

Thank you so much for replying.
He isn't interested in any of that. I know for sure he doesn't do the whole porn thing. He is actually kind of a prude when it comes to that. o.O
Something huge and bad happened to him last summer that caused him to first not be interested in sex. Ok.. we waited that out. Another thing comes up.. we waited that out. Then it was the bad thing was just ending.. so we waited that out. Then it was we didn't spend much time together for a few months.. we waited that out. I am tired of waiting things out. I have been very patient and understanding with him and I feel it should be his turn to do the same for me. It feels like everything is in his control anymore.

[jns]

I'm with you on this. I believe, in relationships that the partners should put themselves out once in a while by doing something that they don't necessarily want to do, but that their partners really wants to do.

I wonder if he has some OCD behaviors. Is he squeamish about things that are messy? Does he like to clean excessively? Sometimes such behaviors become controlling and to lower anxiety associated with certain activities, those activities are eliminated.

[DreamP346]

I really think you guys need couples therapy. There could be so many reasons for his lack of desire, but the thing that is most concerning is that he doesn't want to compromise and doesn't care for your needs at all. Would going to see a therapist be a possibility. They can help you negotiate your relationship, help your boyfriend see how the lack of sex is effecting the relationship, deal with any underlying issues that may be causing the lack of desire.

Is you BF very religious or brought up in a strict family? That can really impact a person's views on sex and the ability to enjoy it. Once again, therapy is the solution.

[BabyGirl]

Welcome to the forum, I hope we will be able to help you in some way .

It seems you are communicative with him of your desires and also that he is about his. He is happy with just waking up to the " Woman he Loves ". But you desire more Sexual actions. Just as with women, he should not feel it is his Duty to have sex. He should however want to have it and want to please you.

I would suggest he see a Dr. make sure his body is functioning properly ( rule out Low T or ED ). Next, is he under stress, working too hard ?

Counseling also may help. Just why was it good for awhile ( at first ) and now he's not interested ? Have you or he gained weight, have your jobs changed, schedules changed. Is the Hysterectomy a possible concern for him ? Some men are funny that way, having parts of a woman's body removed is a "Turn off ". I know it's wrong for them to think, "If my Woman has only one breast, she's not normal, or she wont have a Uterus anymore, so putting it in an empty hole , whats the use " ?
This does happen , not saying with you and yours particularly,but it could be sub conscience with him. You've been together over 1 1/2 years. Was the possible Hysterectomy on the discussion plate , before or after you became an Item ? This may help pin down , when his sex drive dwindled.

Most women have Hysterectomies for health issues, they are usually a Last Ditch Effort to save a life or save on severe or long term health issues. So this may be an issue with him, he may inadvertently feel he is protecting you and not " causing you any more Damage " by refraining from Intercourse with you . As I said Men can be Funny that way .

See if he will go to the Dr. with you on the visits about the hysterectomy, ask questions in front of him, things like will it still be the same, having sex, will it cause any damage to do it now before or after the operation ? Try to involve him in this, he may learn somethings.

He may learn that you will still be the Woman he Loves to wake up to in the Mornings, just minus the Problematic part of you that was causing your own Health issues that were severe enough to have to have the " Baby Basket " taken out.

He may just be one of those men, that truly Love you for you, not for your " hole ", one that feels you are the one he Loves and if you could never have Intercourse again ( say by Dr's Orders ) he would still be with you and Love you and stand by you.. For who you are..

Then again, you might get yourself a new " Toy " and use it in front of him, or ask him to use it for you .. Things may " Heat Up " in his mind, his Libido, may just get aroused enough to want to " replace " that toy ..

This is from Experience .. It can work.. lol

20 some odd years ago, Hubby was at work, I was Horny, so me & Plastic Peter, were having a Session, Hubby came home, " Caught Us " and well , we had great Sex for quite a long time after that .. All I had to do was Ask him, if he minded that I had a " Date with Plastic Peter " ?

Now I have no SO or Hubby, But I have a BOB ( Battery Operated Boyfriend ) Named Rubber Robbie.. I'm sure if I ever have another SO, they might be introduced and in Competition. Either way, I'll have the Best of Both worlds. A Man that Loves me and if he has Low T or ED.. I'll Have Rubber Robbie... That I can Turn off or on at will. And if Rubber Robbie ever fails, I can get a New one, I'll name "him" Wild Willy .. lol

[BttflyKitten]

Personally I see a therapist anyway due to other problems so I bring all this up with her. She really hasn't given me any suggestions about it come to think of it. He would not go see one. His father died when he was very young and his Mom stuck him in therapy right away. It was nothing but a joke to him. He continued going until he was 18 years old (he was 9 when Dad died). He knows how to "play the game" with therapists as he likes to say.

He does have a lot of stress in his life. He was very stupid in his early years and it will always be with him for the rest of his life. I know all about it and it doesn't change how I feel about him and he knows that. As horrible as his past was -- it made him into the man I love. I don't think he would be this way if he didn't have those struggles growing up.

He is currently the caregiver for his mother and grandmother so he lives with them. There is so much stress and drama there! He knows he needs to move out but he gets guilted into staying. His Mom is like the worlds best at doing that to him! It drives me crazy!!

I talk about going to get my own BOB and he freaks out on me. Well, I need something! He seems to forget that I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. I haven't exactly had men lining up at my door all my life. I finally found the love of my life at a very late age and I have a lot to make up for! I haven't had the same active sex life as he had.

[Jimbeau]

Perhaps I'm oversimpifying but maybe he's depressed. is it possible he's getting some type of treatment you don't know about that affects his sexual performance? Some anti-depressants have unfortunate side effects in that area.

[BttflyKitten]

No he isn't getting any treatment at all. He doesn't believe in any treatment. I have to force the man to take a Tylenol half the time. I do think he has a lot of stress in his life and depression but won't always admit it. He tends to keep things in until he breaks. I can always depend on him being truthful with me about everything but it will take some time for some things to come out.

[Needahand]

As a married guy who constantly finds himself dealing with sexual frustration of one sort or another, here is what I would offer...and I by no means intend to oversimplify: You need to have a frank, but delicate conversation with him about the impact that the lack of intimacy is having on you. The two of you have to reach a compromise (like one of the earlier posters mentioned). Dialoque is the only answer. It sounds so far as if you have been resigned to wait for him to 'heal' from a number of issues, but that neglects your own needs...which is why you find yourself here like the rest of us :-(.

Politely let him no how important sex is for you, and that you really need more of it. Or ask how he plans to help you with your current state of frustration. This isn't an attitude problem on your behalf. From my perspective there are no magic keys to be gotten from therapy. He needs to know how you feel, and you need to know his reaction to that.

Hope that helps, sorry for rambling.