[brickles]

And, I really love him. So much. And, he loves me... and this relationship is the most satisfying one I've ever been in. It is wonderful and, to be honest, there is no doubt in either of our minds that we will one day get married. I'm posting here, because... well, I guess because I need someone to talk to, and I have no idea where to go.

Let's call the love of my life D. When D and I started our relationship, it was fiery. We were constantly talking to each other, always on each other's minds... and our sexual desire for each other was insatiable. Before D, I'd been with someone whose libido was lower than mine--which ultimately lowered my self-esteem since I blamed myself for it, and before that, I was with someone with whom sex was just not enjoyable--let's just say he wanted it, and I didn't, but I was young and naive and straight out of an all-girls Catholic high school and was afraid to say no.

Before D, I hated my body. Though I am no longer religious, I grew up Catholic, and as such associated hatred and sin and disgust with sex... and whenever I wanted it, I felt sick and disgusted. Whenever I was having it, I removed myself from the situation. I convinced myself that sex was just sex... I didn't have to be there for it. It wasn't intimate, it didn't have to be. Whenever I wanted it but couldn't have it, I convinced myself that there'd be no one who'd want someone like me anyway... so I should just forget about it.

D changed all that.

At first, I didn't quite want it. I resisted, I desperately said no while he whispered into my neck, and while a fire was burning inside me. He seduced me. Slowly, patiently, gently... in a way that made me feel wanted, but somehow not dirty. He made me feel... beautiful. He wanted to make me feel good. He made me feel good. He made me orgasm. He said he wanted me... and he wanted only me. I gave into him, and made the conscious decision of opening myself up completely to him. He already had my heart and my mind by then, I decided to give him my body and be okay with it. I wasn't ugly or disgusting, I couldn't be... if someone as wonderful as him could want and love me the way he says he does.

And, boy, did he want me. There was much making love... and there was much sex. In the office, in hotel rooms, at his place, at mine... in ways, and with sensations I didn't think I would ever be allowed or deserve to feel. And I made him feel good, too. I'd never enjoyed making someone feel good as much as I enjoy making him feel good. I love the way he tastes. I even yearn for it. I didn't think such a thing was possible! But, there it is.

But, there was something that wasn't quite right. He loves me and though he has never once thought that sex with me was dirty, the fact that it was happening between us, unmarried, was eating away at him. As someone who had grown up religious, I understood and sympathized with him... I knew what the guilt was like--the conflict between what you "think" is right, versus what just "feels" right. He felt "further away from God" whenever we did it, and because I loved him... and because I wanted him to know that if this was important to him, and even though I didn't agree with his reasons, I'd respect that and wait.

Heck, before D, I was with my previous partner for three years, and sex was not primarily on the agenda... I thought I'd survive. I was good at not wanting sex. Our intimacy hasn't changed, really. We still cuddle up on the couch. We don't make out quite as much anymore, and he no longer stays the night (it's inappropriate, and basically challenging temptation)... but, as it turns out, I want him. I want him so much, and it's killing me that holding back is easier for him than it is for me.

Every time he can tell I want him, and he knows me too well... a look in my eyes, and he can tell; a change in the way I move against him... he can say no, while I can't. It drives me mad. And, it's making me revert back to my old thought patterns: I mean, if it really is this easy for him not to have sex, did he really want me after all? How about that time he said he'd make love to me three times a day if he could? Will I still be able to have that when... when we get married? Is there something wrong with me? I just... want him to touch me... I want to touch him... but I can't. I mustn't.

And getting married... while I am right now certain he is the man I would love to spend my life with, a part of me still hesitates at the thought of getting married early. I've always had it in my mind that I wouldn't marry someone until I've been with that person for at least two or three years. I know Christians tend to marry early, and if he asks me to marry him... which I have a feeling he might do in the next six months (we've only been dating for half a year), I'm afraid it'll be because he's rushing so we can have sex. I don't know. I feel... lost and extremely sexually frustrated.

He doesn't like the idea of me masturbating or looking at porn... I think he kind of considers it cheating. He says he doesn't masturbate at all... and considering who he is, I'm inclined to believe him. I have to admit that, well, I do. But it's never satisfying... and when I do, I feel like I'm only doing it to shut my body up. And, I am wracked with guilt every time I do.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this here... I guess just starting a conversation. I'm not really looking for advice, as such. But your thoughts, and your experiences... someone to relate with? In a strange way, the decrease in physical intimacy has left me feeling lonely... I can't help but resent myself for it. Sex isn't that important, or it shouldn't be... it never was, but somehow it has become so.

I'm happy with him, and 90% of the time, I'm not hating on myself... but bitterness and anger are terrible things, and I'm starting to feel them seething. And believe me, I know it was my grave I decided to dig. Gah. I don't know.

[Stillness]

Hey Brickles. Welcome. I went through something similar with my wife before we got married. I know exactly how you feel. We actually broke up a lot over this issue. We both believed premarital sex was wrong, but I didn't care. It's hard to be the one without self-control. The cool thing is that you know you have an honorable and principled man that loves you and God - someone that has a passion for you but is not led by passion. That's what I figured about my girlfriend. I was absolutely correct. That kind of person is rare and they make very good mates.

[Brandywine]

Every time he can tell I want him, and he knows me too well... a look in my eyes, and he can tell; a change in the way I move against him... he can say no, while I can't. It drives me mad. And, it's making me revert back to my old thought patterns: I mean, if it really is this easy for him not to have sex, did he really want me after all? How about that time he said he'd make love to me three times a day if he could? Will I still be able to have that when... when we get married? Is there something wrong with me? I just... want him to touch me... I want to touch him... but I can't. I mustn't.

As a Christian, D is thinking about ETERNITY and what that will hold for him. When in the judgement seat, he is going to have to answer for every time he had sex with you outside of holy matrimony. And he would have to answer if he continued it because God says it is wrong and he knows this therefore he is to be held accountable.

I do not truly think that abstaining from sex with you is an easy thing for D. You have stated how amazing your relationship is and that you are positive he wants to be with you. After having so much amazing sex with you, it would surely be difficult for him to suddenly stop. However, the voice of God is loud and the consequences of D's actions here on earth surely speak volumes to him.

From what you have said, I do not doubt that he wants you, and badly. However, as a Christian man, his goal is to please God and follow His path for D's life. Surely you would have a most fullfilling sex life as a married couple.

As a Christian woman in a monogamous relationship of my also Christian boyfriend of almost 5 years, we often struggle with this. We have been intimate a week after our first date, and regularly ever since. We also live together. I too, know that he is the man for me and our intentions are to marry and live happily ever after.

We have had countless conversations about the topic of sex. Many many times I feel guilt when it happens. I know that I will have to answer for each and every moment I spend living with him/having sex outside of marriage. When we talk, we come to the conclusion that the love we share is like that of a married couple without the legal binding. Although this helps to contain the guilt, he and I both know the truth that we are NOT really married, and according to out beliefs, we are not living the way God has planned. And, according to our beliefs there is NO excuse for this and we know full and well that we will be held accountable.

Shouldn't this be enough? Really, it should. But, also, as you know, it's not that simple. We are also a young couple. We know that we don't want anyone else, yet marriage is not a pressing issue unless we look at it from a spiritual stand point. No, we shouldn't get married just so we can have sex and not feel the guilt, and neither should you. There are multiple reasons why marriage would be the best thing for us and also, why it would be good for us to hold off.

We both agree that we wish we had saved ourselves for marriage, and also not moved in together. But being intimate for so long and wanting eachother the way we do is a difficult thing to ignore, especially since we live together. It really is a confusing feeling. I wish there was a simple answer. I don't have much advice, but please know that you are not alone. And if your love for eachother is strong, which I believe it is, you two will be just fine. Talking to him and expressing your frustration can help you both understand your situation better and also bring you together. I bet if you did talk to him about it, you would find that it is quite a struggle for him as well.

[Little]

You say you're no longer religious, but that can mean a lot of things - what does it mean to you? Do you still recognize Christianity as THE valid religion? Still think its rules are right?
If so, good for your boyfriend to be helping you live your worldview. It's a fulfilling thing.
But if not, you should really take a HARD look at whether or not you are really happy in this relationship. You mentioned hating on yourself, being angry and bitter, being guilty for masturbating. Do you think that you will stop wanting to masturbate completely once you are married and able to have sex? Why do you think you are shying away from marrying "early?" Do you feel that if you married soon, it would just be for sex?
Interreligious relationships are HARD. Really hard. You will forever be finding a middle ground, and when you don't have a faith of your own, it is easy to just make the middle ground the same as your partner's ground, since after all, it is his religion he is talking about and not just "personal preference." Been there. Done that. Won't do it again. Found a great husband who is a good man and father without a religion. Maybe it's not common, but take hope - it happens.
You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life - not just someday when you're married, but now. One that is free of constant guilt. At the same time, your boyfriend deserves the opportunity to live his life according to his principles. Some people can find a compromise that works for both of them.

But it sounds like you're just holding on to hold on in the face of adversity. It sounds like you have a lot of doubts. Think about what you would tell a friend in this situation. De-personalize it. Does that 90% of the time when you are NOT hating yourself, wracked with guilt, bitter and angry make the 10% when you ARE worth it?

[BabyGirl]

Some Key Thoughts here, in my Mind & Questions.

I grew up Catholic, and as such associated hatred and sin and disgust with sex... and whenever I wanted it, I felt sick and disgusted. Whenever I was having it, I removed myself from the situation. I convinced myself that sex was just sex... I didn't have to be there for it. It wasn't intimate, it didn't have to be. Whenever I wanted it but couldn't have it, I convinced myself that there'd be no one who'd want someone like me anyway... so I should just forget about it.

The ...I Grew Up Catholic, is a Very Strong Statement. Which you might take a look at. To me it means your Parent(s) were of Catholic Faith and so therein tried to " Raise " you to Their Strong Beliefs.". Which means that you did Not Chose that Faith for Yourself. But Adhered to it, to keep the Peace , until you could Chose your own Faith.

Though I am no longer religious,

That may just mean that you are No longer of that " Faith ", He is Christian, so are Catholics, so are Protestants and Baptists and Lutherans and many other " Offset " religions of those who Believe in Jesus Christ and the Biblical Readings or Teachings.

Do you ever wonder why, there are so many " Branches " of Christianity or Buddhism or Jewish or Islamic and even Mormon Faiths . ? It is because the " Fundamentals of that Faith " change along the way. Some said, Yes I believe in " GOD " and his " Teachings/ Rules of Life ". But they questioned the ABSOLUTE.

So they interpreted the " Laws/ Rules " with the Times and Feelings and were less strict in some areas. One must hope to Believe that if they do " Gods Will " That they follow the 10 Commandments of Basic Right from Wrong to others. Will Provide the Place in " Heaven ".

I am not Any Faith, I am Spiritual, I believe we are Guided. I also believe that my " Higher Spirit/s " give me Choices, gave me Intelligence, Wisdom, and the Ability to make my own Mistakes, Learn From Them , Pass on the " Right From Wrong " to Others, to try my Best to Pass on to my offspring... The Guide Book of My Life Experience, in order to have others avoid my harmful Decisions and Pitfalls .

So here you are & " D " is.. Given Choices, Given Love, Given Each Other . Do You Believe, or He Believe that That " God " meant him & you to meet, have Sex with Loving Bodies, With Full Hearts. And Then Be Guilty for the Pleasures you have Found in each other ?

Is either of your Faiths or Both, feeling that to Not be Married On Paper through the Church , Or State Laws?
That it is a Crime of Death in the After Life ?
If So, you Both just might want to Re~think the Relationship, that " God " Allowed you to meet in.
He or She " Gods " or Agnostic " Spirituality " had a Reason, you are so 90% Happy with each other .

The final thought here is Abstinence after the Fact.

The " God " I have heard about and Related to while a in a " Religion" Is a Forgiving one. One that has learned Himself to understand and " Forgive " those who did Not like his ways . He sacrificed himself as in Man, Son when His Mother was Virtue .


We all can be Pious, But somewhere Down that line of " Teachings and Beliefs " There is You Created and " D " Created and you met, Loved and are 90% happy. The 10 % is probably the " Heaven or Hades Believers "

I would try and believe in the 10 %. Of Your Sexual needs, his Sexual needs, Your Mating and Lasting, Procreating and Possibly Regretting,

The Love and Cherish, Excitement,Commitment to each Other. Will be talked about in you and him. Not so Much a " Name of Religion ". Just in Love Mode..

[Sunflower2012]

I am just starting to date a christian and every time he wants to hold hands and the dinner table and pray over the food I feel like I'm compromising myself. I would feel comfortable if he did his thing and I respectfully sat by and let him do it, but agreeing to participate makes me feel weird. So I'm considering not dating him anymore because i don't want to go down the road and end up in a situation like brickles when more big deal issues come up like sex. I've come so far in no longer being judgmental of Christians, but can it really work? He has said that he does not subscribe to the belief that Christianity is the only way, but like someone said in this thread, the one who has no faith runs the risk of easing into the way of the one with faith. I don't want to do that. . .. sorry this is so disjointed, but thanks for bringing up the topic.