[Joe77]

1. Yes it is a good idea. Women like to know they do not need to be stressed about daily activities. If she enjoys those date nights then perfect, take her to the restaurant you know she loves...make it all about making her happy that night. The less stress she has the better.

2. I agree with sp, you need to establish that no sex means no intercourse but still have the affection. If you go without the kisses or laying in bed together she may think this is the new thing that you have drifted off to and she will mold into that expectation. If you are passing by her in the kitchen say "that smells fantastic" kiss her cheek or neck and just walk away. No big focus just a quick little "I love you" gesture. Small little things remember.

3. I am not sure about this one. She does not seem like the type of woman that dwells on comments so saying you would like to try something new then going to no sex may just be a quick "okay" and out of sight out of mind type thing. You could mention those things anyway but it kinda sounds like it would just be in one ear out the other while you are abstaining from intercourse for however long. Certainly bring up the subjects after some time has passed, maybe after the whole time I am not sure, but I think you should not expect her to sit there pondering what you said for the whole time. She could, who knows, but it kinda sounds like she wouldn't.

The whole touching you thing is harder to work on. If she is naturally not a touchy feely person trying to make them into one is an uphill battle. Again baby steps though. Maybe one night say you have had a tough day at work and if it would be okay if she rubbed or scratched your back for a while, ask for a pump of lotion on her hand so that it lasts until all the lotion has gone into you therefore making the massage longer lol.



My hips are messed up too, I am only 23 though lol, and I know when I am on top I can get strained because I have to hold myself up (my bf's penis is a bit larger so I cannot sit flat). It is certainly not my favorite position because of the hip and leg pain though. Say you understand that on top may not be the best choice because you know it can hurt her and you do not want her to hurt. But the tickling feeling is very common. It is simply very sensitive down there, the light touches may be too much sensitivity wise and it can end up tickling. Ask her if you could try to touch her there just to see how you could avoid the sensitivity, you are not in it for sex purposes, you just want to see what sort of touch does not lead to a tickle so that she can feel good without getting that annoying feeling.

1. OK, I'll do that.

2. I do all those things...the kiss on the cheek, the hug from behind if she is standing at the counter, etc. In fact I've even stepped it up! Maybe toning it DOWN and making it more subtle - we do say "I love you" a LOT. If I slowed that down though she'd wonder what was wrong, I know I would!

3. She doesn't SEEM to dwell.

She will give me short back rubs, etc, but I have to ask for them. I give her rubs whenever I can tell she is in pain, although sometimes she does also ask me before I do it. I really hate to say it this way but during sex itself, it feels like I'm with a blow up doll sometimes. Except that she will sometimes comment on the TV or tell me something about work even as I'm entering her...that one does **** me off (I think I have a right to be upset about that, don't I?)

The tickle thing I'll keep in mind. She also has a tendency to not lubricate that well, so I think a little pain might be involved. Although once I'm "in" she's very moist inside, it's just the outer part. That's one reason I try to finger her a little, to bring out some moisture, but she won't have any of it.

[ItsASecret]

As far as "fine" is it OK to say "well, fine is OK, but I would rather hear good or great, or bad if that is the case. Fine is something you say for something that doesn't matter much, like, 'sorry I broke the dish' or 'sorry I'm late', then 'fine' means 'it is what it is but its OK' That is not what a guy wants to hear when he asks if the sex was good!" If I say it in a neutral, friendly tone, is that OK?

The problem is no matter what you say about the word fine it is going to sound confrontational, sort of like "just tell me it is good or bad and stop using the ambiguity of fine I need to know". I know you would never say in that manner but it can come across like that. You could say "I know you say things are just fine but that is quite the ambiguous term so it would be nice if you said something was nice or good instead don't you agree?".

However, if I pose it as a "frequency of sex" issue, it will get thrown right back as "tired, kids, work, etc" which is about 90% true. She has said that sex isn't on her mind when "there is so much to do" (meaning housework, laundry, kid stuff, bills, etc) and we're tired. If a prerequesite for sex is to be well-rested and have nothing to do, I might as well just prepare to never have sex again!

lol yeah once life hits there is no such thing as a well rested sleep or stress-less day especially with kids. But you could say you know that daily life is stressful and you would like to help ease some of that. Ask "do you think if you had less daily stress from the kids and work that you would maybe think about sex more?".

The other thing is, she's so tight-lipped that I don't even know what "terms" she prefers to use for genitals in a sexual sense (d*ck, c*ck, penis, vagina, p*ssy, etc). I assume she prefers not to mention them at all or use indirect references like "down there" and "inside". This will take a bit more work I think but I thought maybe having this be part of the conversation, in a way like "well, even just the terminology, I don't know how to describe things since I never hear you use any words to refer to our parts" and see what she says.

I would stick with common terms of vagina and penis if you are unsure. It is kinda too proper and almost clinical but if she is not open to the other words there isn't much you can do. I too can joke about using the d or p word but I cannot actually say it in the bedroom....I end up thinking it is too much into porn dirty talk dialogue and the last thing I want to do is mimic those performance acts-that is just how I see things, I am definitely not a dirty talk kind of girl.


But aside from all of the questions her body image can play an absolute major if not exclusive role in all of this. A lot of women if they do not feel pretty or sexy are not going to bother trying anything because they feel like what is the point. Their men may think they look like a Goddess but all the words in the world may not change her mind. That is a whole other subject if it is her body image causing all of this. If it is she may need doctoral help from a therapist if it is real bad but no matter what if it is the issue the first step would be in having her acknowledge that it is the problem. If that point of acknowledgement can be reached then suggestions for improving self confidence can be brought up and later leading to more talks of sex and things.

[Joe77]

The truth is, I know my body isn't the greatest either, as I like to say, I'm built like a God. His name is Bhudda. Haha. However, I look the same as I did 6 years ago when we met, just a little older. We're both in our mid 30s by the way.

I have some confidence issues too.

I definitely don't want or expect porn style sex either! I would like to see if the problem is that she really has never had a libido, or, she does have one, but it doesn't show its face due to exhaustion, her own inhibitions, and her body image.

[Joe77]

What if I started the conversation on a little lighter of a note and just pull out the sex cards I mentioned from our wedding gift. Say "you know, I know you think these are funny, but I've been thinking, we should try them. I'm serious! Would you want to try them, maybe some night when we have a sitter and can take our time?"

I've asked her before, but usually when we were either already trying to have sex or in the middle of something and I happened to see them.

[Joe77]

What if I started the conversation on a little lighter of a note and just pull out the sex cards I mentioned from our wedding gift. Say "you know, I know you think these are funny, but I've been thinking, we should try them. I'm serious! Would you want to try them, maybe some night when we have a sitter and can take our time?"

I've asked her before, but usually when we were either already trying to have sex or in the middle of something and I happened to see them.

Another idea would be that if she is initially receptive to talking, to say "baby, I know that this is hard for you. I want you to know that no matter what you answer, I love you. I just want to understand better how you feel, and perhaps explore some new things. Don't worry about disappointing me no matter what you say, because the only way you might disappoint me, just a little, is by not being able to talk to me about it." Is that too much even?

[ItsASecret]

Completely leave out the word "disappointed" in anything unless she specifically says she thinks she is disappointing you, then you can talk about it but not before. Saying you would be disappointed makes it sound like you are looking for a specific answer from her and anything but would be disappointing. I know that is not your intention with saying it but saying the word by itself gives the impression that an alternate answer was required should she open up.

I think you should leave out the whole sentence about needing her to say something and not worrying about disappointing you, she does not want to necessarily talk in the first place so if she does not talk in your wording "not being able to talk" means she would already be disappointing you. That is not your intent so I would say keep it as "baby, I know that this is hard for you. I want you to know that no matter what you answer, I love you. I just want to understand better how you feel, and perhaps explore some new things".

[Joe77]

Thanks.

So now...should I try this conversation ASAP, or maybe pamper her for a few weeks, then try?

[Joe77]

I'm basically talking to myself this evening, but I noticed something tonight. When she eats, unless she is eating one of her favorite foods or something very savory, she usually just says the meal was "fine". When it comes to basic foods, she doesn't like to change things up much. I like to add different spices and ingredients if I cook, and she sometimes likes it if I just go for it and do it. Sometimes, she doesn't. However, if I tell her I want to add XXXX to something, 80% of the time she says "naa, just make it the normal way".

She doesn't like change in other areas of life...I've always known that but when I thought about this it clicked.

She is more likely to try a totally NEW restaurant, or recipe, than change something she already likes. (does that mean she'd rather have a new man than change things with me in the bedroom? Just kidding...)

[Joe77]

OK, I updated the 'orgasm thread too but here's the update:

Rather than try to throw the whole thing at her at once, I basically had a conversation with her about having conversations about sex. Rather than jump right to the "I want to give you an orgasm" question we talked about ways to enjoy each others' bodies in different ways, and to help her be more open about her desires and feelings. She was very open to that idea but admitted it will take some time for her.

She said that she'd be open to trying some new positions and techniques, and we ended that part of the conversation with the plan to discuss sex more openly as time goes on, and I can bring up another sexual or sensual subject each time.

Oral in particular I didn't bring up, this time. I thought about it a bit more, and didn't want to overload her all in one single conversation. Same thing with the topic of orgasm in particular.

What's funny is I said that I would obviously like to have sex more often than we do now, but we should focus on the entire body and such. I said that "sex once a week at least would be nice" (giving a conservative number) she said "well I was thinking more like 3 times a week if we had the time".

So turns out maybe her libido is still buried in there after all. The good news is, she's open to talking more about it. I think I made a good move not trying to dump it all into one conversation or get into too much detail, too fast.

She also said I should never feel like I can't talk to her about things.

[jns]

Wishing you the best of luck on everything going well and coming to a compromise you both can live with.