[Paddlepop]

I recently discovered by accident that my partner watches porn, it then came to light that he masturbates to it about 2-3 times per week and has been doing so for years - mostly young girls (18+ yrs, all legal. We are in our forties). I don't have a problem with him watching porn per se, he however has been lying to me about it for 5 years. When we started seeing each other he volunteered that he gave up watching porn, thus the original lie about the porn was an unsolicited one. I once asked him since if he started watching again and he looked me straight in the eye and lied. This was followed by a host more lies around it. He says he lied about it because he is ashamed of it (which I can understand and I don't think it is implausible, despite both of us being very open minded about this stuff) and for the same reason is not prepared to bring it into the relationship. Part of the problem is that we have sex very irregularly, which is a problem for me. His excuse is that he has no sex drive. To me masturbating several times a week to porn and having no sex drive does not compute. He claims that his porn, which is his fantasy life, and our sex life, i.e. real life, are not linked in any way and that he is sexually attracted to me, yet he avoids sex and rejects me when I try to initiate sex. Every time we try talk about this it ends in an argument. I am at a loss and don't know what to think anymore. Does anyone have advice?

[Ashlee T.]

Well....I would be very hurt by this...as I can imagine you are. He's getting off to other women while rejecting and avoiding you sexually. And then the lying. The "no sex drive" doesn't really hold water now that you know he's pleasing himself regularly while watching other women. Some men say they masturbate for relaxation... but if this is what he were doing then I don't see why he'd need to watch porn to do so. And especially when he's got a willing and eager wife to have REAL sex with.

What is sex between you two like?

What is the rest of your relationship like? Do you show interest in each other? Do special things for each other? Make each other feel loved and appreciated?

[Paddlepop]

Hi Beautiful Disaster, thanks for responding. When we have sex it is good and we both enjoy it. He has however had some erectile problems in the past year. I suggested that we try a **** ring but he was not open to the idea. He can be very caring and when things are good they are great. Your question about feeling loved and appreciated- sometimes but not always. I earn the larger salary of the two of us and he is financially dependent on me. I sometimes feel that he resents me for this and that he tries to dominate me in other spheres to compensate for it, and this leads to arguments (not about money but because I feel bullied and blamed for all sorts of things). Even though we resolve the arguments he will, for example, three weeks later say that we are not having sex because we had an argument. When he makes excuses to not have sex he usually, as a root cause, blames me for something that I have or have not done.

[jns]

Masturbating means he has a sex drive, but he is not saving it for you.

I think that the woman earning more than the man causes a lot of men in that situation to feel inadequate. That being said, he should work on becoming a master at getting you aroused. Is sex only about intercourse between the two of you, or does it also include oral and masturbation? What does he do to make things romantic?

[Paddlepop]

He does not like masturbation as part of our sexual play but we have great oral sex, which he particularly enjoys giving. He doesn't do anything to make things romantic, as such.

[DreamP346]

Because you make more than him, he may be feeling emasculated. We think we have come a long way, but the reality is men are still raised to think that a good man takes care of his family financially. He may be suffering erectile difficulties because of that. Combine that with age, and it just adds to the problem. It is so easy to masturbate when you don't have the pressure of worrying that you may not be able to get it up.

You say he tries to dominate you in other aspect of life. Have you thought of trying some bondage/dominance in the bedroom. That may give him that extra sense of control he is seeking.

[TJPatriot]

Masturbating means he has a sex drive, but he is not saving it for you.

Not necessarily. I can go a few days without sex or masturbating at all and I am fine. And there are also times I have sex multiple times and I still get the urge to masturbate. Sometimes masturbation is just about sex and release, sometimes it's not. Though I'd admit in this situation, it's at least a bit of both.

If there are arguments and stuff going on, the pressure/stress of sex could have something to do with not wanting to have sex. I'd say his reasons are likely fairly honest, though he may not fully comprehend that he has some ulterior motives behind it (he likely prefers masturbating to sex, it's easier, even if he is a giving lover and all...)

[jns]

When I have been getting enough sex, I have absolutely zero interest in masturbating by myself or porn. TJ, I suppose it depends on how they relate to your core sexual identity. Do you see yourself as a masturbater who has intercourse when you can or a sexual person who masturbates when you cannot have intercourse (rhetorically)?

[Yamimi]

I don't know..it's a really tricky subject considering my guy masturbates a lot but we've only had sex twice since the new year. 5 months and had sex twice. Sucks. I talked to him about it a few times and finally found out it's because I gained weight ._.; Wish he told me sooner, but I feel bad that you're guy can't just outright say why he won't have sex with you. I'm sure you've tried asking/talking with him about it. He shouldn't feel ashamed..

Men will try to blame it on the woman, but I just think it's because they're too man-ish to admit their faults.

[TJPatriot]

When I have been getting enough sex, I have absolutely zero interest in masturbating by myself or porn. TJ, I suppose it depends on how they relate to your core sexual identity. Do you see yourself as a masturbater who has intercourse when you can or a sexual person who masturbates when you cannot have intercourse (rhetorically)?

Well, I certainly masturbate a lot more often when I'm not getting sex. But since I currently live in a studio with my gf masturbating does not really happen since she is so against it. Even though I've seriously had sex and felt like masturbating less than half an hour later before.

I'd say I don't really identify myself by my sexual activity, masturbating is simply a fairly relaxing and enjoyable action I occasionally feel like doing.