[DreamP346]

Why is it that we love playing games with sex? Why do we enjoy doing things that we would otherwise find repulsive. Why do me enjoy the complete surrender and/or being humiliated. Why do we enjoy inflicting pain on somebody we love. Why do we want to give up total control and be subjected to pain and humiliation and enjoy every minute of it. How is it that a healthy sex life can consist of controlling another person?

Sex is so paradoxical. Don't understand why as a type-A personality that needs to boss everybody around, I enjoy the exact opposite when it comes to sex.

[rosekitten]

Why not? Sex is more than just "insert rod A into slot B." Well, for me it is. For some people, it may not be. That aside, does the why always matter? It's true that some people who have had abuse in their past, may require/be repulsed by some sexual acts. For my husband and I, we really get off on the Domme/Sub dynamic. We talk about everything, and I know where is (current) limits are. It's not about making the other person unhappy, it's about tapping into the psychological aspect and bringing the other to new levels of pleasure.

[SaharaJim]

Psychologists say it is because the Type A personality gets weary of "always" being in charge; always having to be the one to make the decisions, always the one to "shoulder the burdens". So he/she wants someone else to take the responsibilty of the "decisions". All the person has to do is "accept" and enjoy or suffer to expiate wrongs and failures. For the brief time; the person surrenders all "control" in life. It is like carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders because you feel that you have to; then for a brief period of time having someone take the weight from you and you are free of it...though you would only want to be free of it for a brief time. For some it is that particular sex acts are not "acceptable" when you choose to do them; but are if "forced' to do them "against your will" with no responsibility for the act afterwards, then you can enjoy without being "one of those people".

The question of being the dom..and inflicting pain or humiliation is far more ..difficult.
Some do it for the feeling of power. Some do it because the sub actually enjoys it and they want to "please" them. But many do it for MONEY. Some of the most experienced and skillful Doms are paid very well for the scenes they create. Then there is the rare and DANGEROUS creature that enjoys inflicting pain for itself. They are people to RUN from.

From the slight knowledge I gain from your posts...I think you enjoy the freedom to enjoy sex acts that you consider demeaning, perverted, or degrading..without the responsibility of having "made the choice' or even "asking" someone to do "X". It does NOT make you a "bad' or "sick" person; it is simply a way of providing your self with a "release valve" for the pressures of the life you have chosen. Please don't overthink this..enjoy...you have earned the right.

[DreamP346]

Please don't overthink this..enjoy...you have earned the right.

I am a thinker. I have to rationalize everything. I deal with sex in my professional life and my academic life in different ways. I have to ask the why. Its purely academic curiosity. I don't ask why because I need reasons to justify my desires or feel guilty about them. I ask why because I am curious.

To me it is an interesting concept. What other type of relationship could you have where one party dominates and it is completely healthy and does not have any negetative impact to the individual. Can you image a dominate/submissive relationship between parent and child or employer and employee. It just wouldn't be health and somebody would be suffering. Sex seems to break all rules about relationships and interactions. Why is that?

[SaharaJim]

Because it is generally considered a "private" matter. Most other relationships are regulated by society and law. With in general limits sex is not. It is not illegal for "consenting adults" to engage in most sexual acts. In "extreme" cases where one party no longer "consents" then many of the acts become "crimes". At one time many states regulated sex to vaginal intercourse and prohibited oral and anal sex. Tough cases to prosecute if no one was "complaining". But the US Supreme Court pretty much put an end to that nonsense. Plus in Parent child or emplyer employee there already is a distinct
difference in the reletive power of the individual. If sex is not "consenting" by two individuals it is a crime-sexual battery, rape etc. That may not be the answer but it is a prospective on the legal difference.

[ItsASecret]

Personally I get nervous and experience some anxiety just mentioning or thinking the idea of domination material. I am a complete follower, no leader in me, if I lead it is an act in anything I do...I cannot do that domination control of anything and that is merely my personality just like another person may have the personality of being all about the power and control of whatever aspect in life in a dominating manner. During sex the most control I take is maybe moving into another positions during sex lol. When it comes to sex and the subject of humiliation, domination, pain and so forth I am just so incredibly disturbed by it that I cannot go through with it. The idea of my partner getting off to making me feel humiliated, being called derogatory demeaning names, or to see me in pain is utterly disturbing. To me, and this is just my opinion, someone getting off to another in some sort of pain is wrong...again just my opinion. I understand that there are countless people who enjoy it and that is fine I would never tell them not to do it because they clearly do enjoy it, I just personally feel that myself in that situation is too much psychologically to handle so I avoid it.

Academically though it is quite simple to throw the words masochism, sadomasochism, and sadism out there to explain why people do what they do in bed when it comes to the domination or humiliation subjects. Academically we can point at endorphin release during pain infliction as a reason why people enjoy those actions. Academically we can point to the DSM for sexual variants of paraphilias to gain more information as well. The reasons are all over the place from real psychological conditions to simple preference.

[Stillness]

What other type of relationship could you have where one party dominates and it is completely healthy and does not have any negetative impact to the individual.

One party is not dominating the relationship, right? Isn't this a bedroom game? Or are we talking about something else? I'm curious, I don't really get into the BDSM stuff, so I don't understand the mindset. If someone is really dominating the other person, that doesn't sound healthy to me.

I don't see a paradox if it's just bedroom play. Just because you're into leading doesn't mean you can't also enjoy following and vice versa. Variety is the spice of life. We're all multi-faceted.

There's one thing I do suspect: If you're in a situation where you're typically the aggressor/initiator sexually. It can lead to feeling undesirable, like your partner is just doing it out of a sense of duty or to appease you. But if they're in control doing what they want, then you know they really want it. That's sexy.

On the dominator's end, maybe they get the freedom to express themselves whereas normally they're going with what the sexually aggressive partner wants. That can be liberating - having someone committed to pleasing them in their way. Not my cup of tea, but I could see it. I can't see the pain and humiliation though.

I wonder if victims of abuse or assault would be more keen on dominating since they experienced the loss of control over their sexuality.

[rosekitten]

One party is not dominating the relationship, right? Isn't this a bedroom game? Or are we talking about something else? I'm curious, I don't really get into the BDSM stuff, so I don't understand the mindset. If someone is really dominating the other person, that doesn't sound healthy to me.

I don't see a paradox if it's just bedroom play. Just because you're into leading doesn't mean you can't also enjoy following and vice versa. Variety is the spice of life. We're all multi-faceted.

You may not understand it, but in true BDSM relationships, it isn't a "game" and it's somewhat insulting to insinuate that it is. I am my husbands Domme. Period. We still talk about everything, and I don't arbitrarily make decisions. However, I am the top in the relationship. It's not just a game, it's our way of life. We're both thoroughly happy with it, too. For some people it may be fun to try only in the bedroom, and that's their choice. For us, my agreement to be his Domme meant that it wasn't just about sex, because I don't want that. He agreed.

There's one thing I do suspect: If you're in a situation where you're typically the aggressor/initiator sexually. It can lead to feeling undesirable, like your partner is just doing it out of a sense of duty or to appease you. But if they're in control doing what they want, then you know they really want it. That's sexy.

I know for me, that is not the case. I know he's not just doing it "because" because I can see his pleasure. I can feel it. Most of what he does out of "duty" are the silly requests that I make when we're not having sex. Weird house rules. Sometimes I can tell they don't make him hard, but he respects my role. If I ever request something he doesn't want to do, we talk about it. I certainly don't feel less sexy because I'm the top.

I wonder if victims of abuse or assault would be more keen on dominating since they experienced the loss of control over their sexuality.

That varies quite a bit. Most of the people I've met that have abuse in their past tend to be switches (dom/sub based on who they're with), or subs. It's a confidence thing. I have met some, though, that have been liberated by this type of relationship, because they choose to go into it (regardless of if they're the sub or dom), because they get a say.

[SaharaJim]

I think for "most people" it is a question of degree. Certainly Rosekitten's relationship is not for "everone" or I would wager even "most"; but it is right for her and her husband. And unless one of them is "complaining" it isn't anyone else's business. If I understand correctly she is saying that for her and her husband it is not a "game" but a 24/7 lifestyle. While I tend to "dominate" most of my relationships the degree certainly doesn't rise to the level of a true Dom/Sub relationship. I tend to make many of the major decisions but not without consulting with my partner. I don't make arbitrary "rules" and expect my partner to follow them or risk punishment. In my sexual relations I tend to be dominate but only occassionally and purely for the excitment and fun of it. It does it reach the level of Bondage and Discipline but NEVER to Sado/masichism. It just isn't in me to do that. I had one girlfriend in college that really "wanted" me to "strap" her with a leather belt; enough to leave "welts".
I bailed- I just couldn't do it. But I can and do force my sub to her knees and demand oral ..and she never does it "right" so I am "forced" to bend her over some object and have intercourse with her accompanied by names and expletives. She often asks for it in language that would embarrass a trucker. But to us this is just a "game" with a clear safeword that allows either of us to halt it completely and immediately. Rosekitten wouldn't describe my behavior as a "true" BD/SM....OK.
Others think being a Dom is simply grabbing their partner and shoving them on the bed and aggressively pursuing intercourse. That can be "fun" for me as well. But I also like slow gentle lovemaking. I am not "concerned" with anyone else's labels. Some would find my levels unpleasant and even disgusting.
Again...OK. I sought to merely pass along some of the things I have learned to make sex fun and "new".
As i said in my first post- I am not an "expert". But i do believe what I told the first poster on the other thread-- if it is not fun...why do it?

[Stillness]

You may not understand it, but in true BDSM relationships, it isn't a "game" and it's somewhat insulting to insinuate that it is.

Don't be offended by my lack of understanding, rosekitten. sp346 said she's in control, but likes to be dominated in the bedroom. I asked her questions about it. I think her situation is different from yours.

Anyway, your response is interesting. Thanks.