[Rebeccakatemallas]

Hiii, this is my first posting on something like this, and to be perfectly honest its my last option before i completely give up.
Im an 18 year old trainee fitness instructor, whos been in a loving relationship for over a year now. We have known of one another for about 4 years and always found the other attractive. He is 3 years older so it was impossible for either of us to make any move with me being so young at the time. Anyway over a year ago he facebook'd me and asked me if i wanted to meet, i knew it was all sex related and just abit of fun. We met and we both got on so well. we carried on meeting and ended up starting a relationship. We have always had a AMAZING sex life.. we both know the ways to please each other and weve always made it our mission to stay in good shape so we keep that physical attraction to each other. Unfortunately he moved 2hours 30 mins aways from me to go to university, which made it complicated to see each other. We both made effort to see each other by traveling down at weekends or i would go stay fri-tues, but in that time i saw a change. For 4 months our sex life was great just like before but then it started to slow down.. DRASTICALLY!!!!

But recently.. well i say recently its been going on since about january/febuary, We have had sex less and less, its gone from us having sex 2-3 times in a weekend, to once every 4 weeks or longer. Its got to me so bad in the last few months ive often sat at home in tears and wondered if i am repulsing him in someway by either my looks or even by lack of talent.. If i approach him about it he gets angry, but he is always going on about my weight saying im too skinny and that is partly the reason he does not want me. I am happy size 6-8 the average for my petite size. Ive stopped going to the gym, ive worn less makeup, i even dyed my hair at one point all because he didnt like it a certain color. I know i shouldn't change for a man but i want that old spark back. What annoys me most is he has but on a fair bit of weight in the past 6 month, yet i see straight through that and find him attractive no matter what, but he just sees the bits he does not like about me which hurts

2 weeks ago i thought it was going to get better, we took a romantic trip to Spain.. in this trip i hoped it would be like when we went last time.. sun sea sex and more sex! but instead it was sun, sea and sex once out of the entire 8days.

Whilst he is down at university and im 2hrs and 30 mins away he sits on porn every night. I know this because i did something horrible.. I checked his online history. This genuinlley hurt me because i now think im rubbish in bed because i cant live up to any of what those girls can do. He sits there and watches it every night it wont even touch me in a sexual way anymore. My friends have told me to look out for signs of cheating because he is a gorgeous man and all the girls have a soft spot for him. We have had problems with him and girls mailing in the past (which he claims was not him).

is he cheating on me?
even when we have sex now it feels mlike a chore to him than an excitement, hes never complained about my skill or anything in the past hes always said im the best hes had, yet after hes spent so much time at university watching all these porn sites i feel like im rubbish.
I Know sex is not everything but its a big part in a relationship.. PLEASE HELP ME IM DESPERATE :'(

[Hugo-B]

Has he had any erection problems? Do they seem weaker? Has his weight gain followed him suddenly stoppong working out?

Watching porn isn't cheating, wouldn't you rather he watched porn than cheated?

[Rebeccakatemallas]

Thankyou for your reply, Not that i know of.. yes he stopped going to the gym when he was at uni so gained a little weight! and i know its not cheating.. and yes obviously but watching it everyday sometimes twice a day then making excuses why we cant have sex! People have told me he may be cheating on me, buti dont know what the signs are to spot them!

[Hugo-B]

Has he made any unsuccessful attempts at sex, i.e. been unable to get or maintain an erection? Is this how it started?

[Rebeccakatemallas]

no he hasnt ever.. any time we have had sex he has always been able to get an erection!

[Claret]

University changes people, both male and female. It is an enriching time in a persons life AND it is a time of life when both sexes tend to put on weight. That is a well documented fact. It is also a time in which he'll be meeting other, new people. Have you considered that maybe he is at the point where he doesn't want to be in a relationship at this time so that he can without guilt, meet other people. Watching the porn could just be an innocent watching of porn. When in the midst of a sexual encounter, I highly doubt that he would be comparing you to a porn star that he recently watched so don't you try to compare yourself with something he's seen on film.
University is also a very stressful time. It affects all emotions, and physical well-being at times. By attending University it would appear that he has high expectations for himself and his future. What about you? What are you doing while he attends university? Are you still in school yourself? Are you out there in the workforce?
Instead of focusing on the physical aspect of your relationship, take a hard look at the entire relationship. Is there lack of communication now, do you find it difficult to find areas of conversation, topics of mutual interest? What do you like to do on a date, is there shows or theatre that you both like and attend? Concerts, get togethers? If any of these have changed ask yourself why? People can and do drift apart and go in separate directions. Often times, they then drift back, sometimes they don't.

[Hugo-B]

Ok, at least he's not trying to mask a problem by using a lack of interest.

How bad is the weight gain? Is there a noticeable difference in body composition? If he's lost muscle and gained fat this could obviously be due to a change in dietary and exercise habits. It could possibly be due though, to a hormone imbalance/issue, however that would result in a low libido - which he has, hence the infrequent sex - but could possibly result in erection difficulties if he attempted to have sex more frequently. Even with low sex hormones sex once in 8 days would easily be possible. Perhaps this is why he's only prepared to have sex infrequently - he'll only do it when he's confident he'll be able to. Obviously the weight gain could just be a coincidence. Please answer the questions above.

IF he is, however, as you say, watching porn twice a day, then he's probably masturbating over it. If he's tugging himself off twice a day then he certainly doesn't have a low sex drive. This makes it less likely he's cheating (although you're not there all the time so he may not watch THAT much porn) but there is certainly an issue here - and that is that he doesn't want sex with you.

Going from the information in contrast with the thread title, what you actually mean is that he's gone off actual, physical sex, in favor of watching porn and 'getting off' over that? That would mean he still has a functioning libido, just he doesn't want to use it having sex with a women.

Whatever the problem - rest assured - it is him, not you. Blaming you is just an excuse, I'm assuming you were slim/the same size when you two got together? Any man who'd rather please himself than have sex with a women he was not to long ago in the recent past having good sex with, has some kind of issue somewhere, and it's nasty of him to try and say it's your fault. Don't compare yourself to porn or any other rubbish like that, when we have problems it's easier to blame others than admit we're having difficulties trying to overcome something.

As far as what to actually do about this? I would confront him, don't let this affect your self esteem any more than it already has, I'm guessing other men find you attractive? Am I right? Well then you haven't changed or got anything wrong with you. Whatever your boyfriends problem his perception and attitude towards the relationship has altered because of his issues.

[LittlePip]

I think some very good points have been made above, i would just like to add one other possibililty that sprang to mind: Is he struggling with his weight gain at all? He may now feel less attractive to you if you've both always made such an effort with yourselves for each other. Saying you are too slim may be his way of saying he's too fat? Also Uni can be very stressful, it can be hard to let go of that stress, is he as companionable as he ever was?

[Rebeccakatemallas]

These are all great answers thankyou for everything. im going to build up the courage to sit him down properly and discuss all of this with him tonight. youve really helped. thankyou again