There seems to be - and understandably so - a lot of visitors on this site in turmoil as they obsess (sometimes to the extent it becomes unhealthy) about their lover's number of previous sexual partners. From what I've read, and what I've heard (on here), this is equally as difficult to deal with as a man and as it is for a woman. As a man who lost his virginity at 19 to a relatively experienced (hot little) 18 year old I certainly know how it can make you feel, and how hard it can be to overcome.
Even people with no prior sexual experience have confessed - again, more understandably so - to being anxious about having sex with someone who is not a virgin. This (at the risk of repetition) is completely understandably, so the feelings of apprehension are normal and absolutely nothing to worry about.
So how do I deal with it?
No one wants to be compared to someone else, especially if they feel they can't 'compete' with them on a physical level - looks, technique, physique, figure, car, ****, job, career, hair, nose, boobs, balls, bank balance, boxing ability >insert body part/character trait/physical attribute, and ad infinitum...
I suppose the worst part about this, is that as we (and it is 'we', no one else does it for us) 'compare' ourselves to our partners previous lovers we turn this ridiculous and unnecessary comparison into a full on competition. A competition which exists only in our heads - one that we'll never, ever, let ourselves win - and we stew on the fact that we'll never, ever really know the full truth and THIS, is what makes it so awful. And so very pointless.
Whenever someone says to me they're concerned about a partners ex (and people always feel a compulsion to tell me their problems, my mum says it's because I've got a kind face), I ask them 'if he/she is so great, why aren't they still together?'. I'm always prepared for the retort 'he/she dumped him/her' so I say, 'maybe you're in the same league as them but you just can't see it?'. There is often a huge disparity between way we perceive ourselves and the way others perceive us. That's why it's so much easier to 'big up' a friend to a perspective partner than it is to do it for ourselves.
If your ex's were so great, wouldn't you attempt to go crawling back to them? Even in cases where I've heard of men having sexual problems like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction their GF's still chose not to go back to ex partners or even look for new partners in an attempt to make up for the 'shortfall'. A woman in love, being treated well is a happy one, unlikely to stray.
Sex alone can never be the glue which holds a relationship together. If anything working through sexual 'complications' and 'teething problems' together will actually strengthen the bond between two people, subsequently adding more bricks to the foundation which the relationship is built upon.
If you feel a serious and unrelenting compulsion to know every minute detail about your partners sexual history, then I'm sorry, but your going to hear things you don't like. Get ready for it, I doubt it will anywhere near as pretty as she or he is.
Your partner HAS given - and received - pleasure from someone else, someone who wasn't you. If you can't deal with this then maybe it's best not to ask. Remind yourself that whatever it was that brought the two of them together, wasn't enough for them to remain together as lovers and/or partners. He or she left their life for a reason, and you entered it, and are in it NOW for a reason too. It could quite well have been someone else, but it's not, they chose you; you chose each other, they're great aren't they? They could have chosen someone else, easily, couldn't they? But they chose you. Never be ashamed to remind yourself of this fact.
In my experience people who demand details don't want facts, they want reassurance. If your partner is having a hard time dealing with your past then be sensitive to their needs and downplay your past, there's nothing to be gained from upsetting someone by disclosing unnecessary information which can do nothing but serve to make them insecure and unhappy. If you find yourself in the position (excuse the pun) where your partner is a virgin, and they've chosen you to share the experience with then please, be sensitive to this fact. Casually mentioning ex's and alluding to previous sexual encounters can be hurtful - be on your best behavior!
When downplaying your past, I'm not saying lie outright and say you're a virgin, but there's no need to tell your boyfriend about the man who &*^%$ you all night on the beach in Kavos if he'll have a nervous breakdown about it. At the same time if you've got an insecure GF she doesn't need to know about the girl you met last summer in Tenerife with no gag reflex who swallows.
Sex like that is fun, meaningless and perfunctory and as most will learn has no bearing on a loving relationship and these kind of acts tend to fade into insignificance when we fall in love. I've done both (although I'm much more of a 'relationship person') and I can attest that sex doesn't get much better than when you're in a relationship with someone you love and cherish.
I think white lies are absolutely acceptable, and sometimes necessary in order to protect someone's feelings. Don't be afraid to use them if needs be, and if you demand answers, don't be angry or upset when you hear them.
If you demand answers from your partner, answers that deep down you don't really want to hear the answers to, don't be surprised if your partner does choose to leave bits and pieces on the cutting room floor. After all, you don't really want answers, do you? You want reassurance and to be told that you're the best, and you may well be, but if you ease up, relax, and be grateful that you're benefiting from the experience that person acquired from someone who is likely now highly insignificant to them, then you may just become the coolest, too.
Even people with no prior sexual experience have confessed - again, more understandably so - to being anxious about having sex with someone who is not a virgin. This (at the risk of repetition) is completely understandably, so the feelings of apprehension are normal and absolutely nothing to worry about.
So how do I deal with it?
No one wants to be compared to someone else, especially if they feel they can't 'compete' with them on a physical level - looks, technique, physique, figure, car, ****, job, career, hair, nose, boobs, balls, bank balance, boxing ability >insert body part/character trait/physical attribute, and ad infinitum...
I suppose the worst part about this, is that as we (and it is 'we', no one else does it for us) 'compare' ourselves to our partners previous lovers we turn this ridiculous and unnecessary comparison into a full on competition. A competition which exists only in our heads - one that we'll never, ever, let ourselves win - and we stew on the fact that we'll never, ever really know the full truth and THIS, is what makes it so awful. And so very pointless.
Whenever someone says to me they're concerned about a partners ex (and people always feel a compulsion to tell me their problems, my mum says it's because I've got a kind face), I ask them 'if he/she is so great, why aren't they still together?'. I'm always prepared for the retort 'he/she dumped him/her' so I say, 'maybe you're in the same league as them but you just can't see it?'. There is often a huge disparity between way we perceive ourselves and the way others perceive us. That's why it's so much easier to 'big up' a friend to a perspective partner than it is to do it for ourselves.
If your ex's were so great, wouldn't you attempt to go crawling back to them? Even in cases where I've heard of men having sexual problems like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction their GF's still chose not to go back to ex partners or even look for new partners in an attempt to make up for the 'shortfall'. A woman in love, being treated well is a happy one, unlikely to stray.
Sex alone can never be the glue which holds a relationship together. If anything working through sexual 'complications' and 'teething problems' together will actually strengthen the bond between two people, subsequently adding more bricks to the foundation which the relationship is built upon.
If you feel a serious and unrelenting compulsion to know every minute detail about your partners sexual history, then I'm sorry, but your going to hear things you don't like. Get ready for it, I doubt it will anywhere near as pretty as she or he is.
Your partner HAS given - and received - pleasure from someone else, someone who wasn't you. If you can't deal with this then maybe it's best not to ask. Remind yourself that whatever it was that brought the two of them together, wasn't enough for them to remain together as lovers and/or partners. He or she left their life for a reason, and you entered it, and are in it NOW for a reason too. It could quite well have been someone else, but it's not, they chose you; you chose each other, they're great aren't they? They could have chosen someone else, easily, couldn't they? But they chose you. Never be ashamed to remind yourself of this fact.
In my experience people who demand details don't want facts, they want reassurance. If your partner is having a hard time dealing with your past then be sensitive to their needs and downplay your past, there's nothing to be gained from upsetting someone by disclosing unnecessary information which can do nothing but serve to make them insecure and unhappy. If you find yourself in the position (excuse the pun) where your partner is a virgin, and they've chosen you to share the experience with then please, be sensitive to this fact. Casually mentioning ex's and alluding to previous sexual encounters can be hurtful - be on your best behavior!
When downplaying your past, I'm not saying lie outright and say you're a virgin, but there's no need to tell your boyfriend about the man who &*^%$ you all night on the beach in Kavos if he'll have a nervous breakdown about it. At the same time if you've got an insecure GF she doesn't need to know about the girl you met last summer in Tenerife with no gag reflex who swallows.
Sex like that is fun, meaningless and perfunctory and as most will learn has no bearing on a loving relationship and these kind of acts tend to fade into insignificance when we fall in love. I've done both (although I'm much more of a 'relationship person') and I can attest that sex doesn't get much better than when you're in a relationship with someone you love and cherish.
I think white lies are absolutely acceptable, and sometimes necessary in order to protect someone's feelings. Don't be afraid to use them if needs be, and if you demand answers, don't be angry or upset when you hear them.
If you demand answers from your partner, answers that deep down you don't really want to hear the answers to, don't be surprised if your partner does choose to leave bits and pieces on the cutting room floor. After all, you don't really want answers, do you? You want reassurance and to be told that you're the best, and you may well be, but if you ease up, relax, and be grateful that you're benefiting from the experience that person acquired from someone who is likely now highly insignificant to them, then you may just become the coolest, too.
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