[Chelsen]

Hi There,

I need some advice on this issue. I am 24 as well as my boyfriend and we have been together for roughly 5 in a half years. For about almost a year, it's like he's stopped initiating sex. And lately I've been wanting it more which isn't what I was like before. I love having sex with him but before didn't have much of a drive and we were having sex about once a week. I don't know what changed with me personally, but I just have a much stronger drive now and have been wanting to do it every couple of days and thinking about it more. He has never had a strong sexual drive either and was okay doing it once a week. But now that I have been the only one to initiate or say things to him about it, it's a little frustrating. I feel like he doesn't have a desire to be with me in that way or doesn't even think about it as much as I do. He's young like me so I feel like he should always be wanting it. When I do initiate things and we start to have sex, I can tell he loves it and is happy with it and we have sex for a good half an hour to an hour, I just don't understand why I am always the one to say something? He doesn't seem stressed because he has nothing to stress about (parents support financially, doesn't work much, done with school) so I feel like it isn't that. It's just hard not to take it personally and I don't know what to do to help him initiate it more. Also, I would never cheat on him but I can't help thinking about other men now that my sex drive is stronger. I feel like he is not giving me what I need and afraid that eventually I could cheat if I don't get anything from him. I want someone to want me and have that kind of passion for me, and he just doesn't show it Please help me understand why he is this way!

[Hugo-B]

Five and a half years is quite a long time, the increase in your sex drive will shift the dynamic in the relationship somewhat. Wanting sex every other day isn't really that much IMO.

I believe women peak sexually aged 30, whilst men peak around late teens early twenties. In general I think more highly sexed, and sexual people in general will just have higher sex drives all round. My current GF has just turned 25 and has the highest sex drive I've seen on a woman, she'd quite happily have sex for hours and hours every day, which is great and exactly what we do when we get the time alone together.

You obviously know what he likes, have you tried treating him by going out and buying underwear and stuff which you know will cater to his likes?

Alternatively there is a great book called the 'multi orgasmic couple' about tantric sex. I've done the exercises before and it's very effective, it basically trains the man to strengthen his PC muscle so he can have sex for longer, and you work up to having an orgasm without actually ejaculating (yes, it is possible, I've done it).

Both of you getting into this will be great fun, and as you can imagine will lead to a lot of sex. Worst case if you choose to stay with him is expanding the vibrator collection, those rabbits are supposed to be the best.

As for your attraction to other men, sexual frustration will obviously lead you to examine alternatives, you don't mention any other issues though I kinda sensed you're tempted to use this as a justification to cheat if the situation doesn't improve soon. The sexual urge is very strong in us, and there isn't much worse and more torturous than involuntary celibacy, I've gone 9 months without sex before! It's no fun! I don't think you're being unreasonable to start considering looking for someone with whom your sex drive is more suitably matched, but just remember: It's easier to sustain a relationship with someone who you are compatible with in other ways and use your vibrator a few times a week to supplement once or twice weekly sex than it is to find someone who you can have all the sex you want with but who falls short in other aspects/areas of being a partner. I know ideally you'd find someone who was ideal for you in every way but the reality is it's hard to find someone to love who'll love you back (and who you're compatible with and share mutual attraction with).

I can promise you sexually compatibility isn't enough to hold a relationship together. If you genuinely feel the relationship has run its course then yes, end it and find someone more suited to you as a person and a lover today, however it kinda sounds (no criticism) like you've recently changed and are expecting him to suddenly change to accommodate the recent increase in your sex drive, this is not totally unreasonable but do consider him too.

Good luck x

[avvie_88]

1.) Maybe he feels like dookie his parents support him at 24. If it were me, I would. When I don't work a lot, I feel like trash/lazy. I don't want to go out, I feel horrible doing things I enjoy because I feel like I didn't earn it... So maybe he actually needs to work more and support HIMSELF to feel more like a MAN, not a little boy.

2.) Maybe he just likes that you initiate it. My fiancee does, and sometimes I get tired of having to, so I just tease him til HE makes a move--then that cycle of me always initiating is broken and he'll start doing it more often again.

[jamesmarshalls]

May be he feels that it's natural for him to both of have sex not. Try to seduce him, if you really want it, work for it.

[rcoreyus]

Does he seem to enjoy sex when you initiate? Maybe its just his personality to want to be seduced? If for a long time he was more interested in sex that you were and it has reversed, maybe he is enjoying the change.

[Chelsen]

Thank you all for your help! I am so glad I have such different input with certain situations I go through because it can either make me realize I am being unreasonable or that how I feel is justifiable. We actually sat down together and talked about it and it sounds like before when he was doing most of the initiating, he got used to being turned down often so he just stopped. I wish he would have told me this in the first place though cause then I would have understood...Anyway, I took bits of all your advice and if I really want it, I will seduce him to the point where he can't help but throw me in the bedroom! ;-)

[Chelsen]

Thanks buddhaboy,

I would really never cheat and would break up if it came to that point. But you are right, it is better to be compatible with someone in all other fields besides sex, than the other way around. I also might take you up on that book! Sounds like fun :-)

[Hugo-B]

Thanks buddhaboy,

I would really never cheat and would break up if it came to that point. But you are right, it is better to be compatible with someone in all other fields besides sex, than the other way around. I also might take you up on that book! Sounds like fun :-)

It is fun, make no mistake, you wont be disappointed...

[x.st.angel.x]

I was going to suggest to have a chat to him but i see you have done so, i hope it goes well for you!

SAint-

[Hugo-B]

Hopefully the OP wont have time to return to this thread because she's too busy having tantric sex...