[beachbabe]

I have no idea where to go from here...
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. In the beginning of the relationship we were having a lot of sex. Everyday sometimes twice a day. After about 6 months it started to slow down to maybe once a week and then to barely at all. I know he was really stressed out for a while but now his big project is over and it is summer time and he is graduating soon so he doesn't have a lot to stress about right now. We did have a big fight during the time he was stressed out and told me I had gained weight and he wasn't sexually attracted to me all the time. We made up and he apologized for everything he said during the fight. Now it has been about 4 months since that fight and the sex is still not how it use to be. It also seems that he needs to wear a hoodie while we are having sex to orgasm. (I keep thinking this is just a substitute for a womans dress? And he just doesn't want to admit that.) It seems like everytime we have sex we have to be doing something kinky in order for him to get off. I don't mind kinky every now and then but it is all about him and his fantasies I told him this and he agreed he was being selfish but I haven't seen any real change. We even go weeks without seeing each other sometimes because we live in different cities and he was still having trouble getting off when he saw me. He use to go down on me as well and it has been forever since he has done that. He has also been trying to get me to wear things he thinks is sexy and yeah to a certain point that is ok...but I like to wear what I want and things that make me feel comfortable.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not even sure if there is a question in there or if that makes sense...I love him but how much is too much? Any advice?

[acerousme]

Hi there!

The first 6 months of a relationship are called the "honeymoon phase". Usually sex will slow down after the first 6 months, and then gradually begin to pick up again....but..(yeah, the dreaded but)....something doesn't seem right in the story.

Does he know about your sexual fantasies? Does he manage to cum at all. Do you cum at all? What is different in the relationship now, beside you gaining weight (btw...if he has an issue with that, leave his sorry butt).

Lastly...you made reference to him wearing a sweater...is him dressing like a woman a fantasy of his? Or maybe he feels uncomfortable with his body?

[beachbabe]

HI! Thanks for the reply. Yeah I thought about that "honeymoon phase" but...something still doesn't seem right to me. We have discussed some of mine and one he said no too. But lately it has been all about him. I addressed this and he agreed but I still don't see a real change. How long do I wait for change?
He does cum some of the time but not everytime. Lately it has been more not cumming. I do sometimes but I for sure did when he would go down on me but that for some reason that isn't happening anymore.
He claims it not cumming happens sometimes when he masturbates too. So it could be a real problem and I am just reading too much into it?
The weight comment during our fight was a low blow for sure. Because he is no Ryan Gosling and he has gained weight too but I haven't said anything. I on the other hand have made changes and go to the gym every freaking day.

I have weighed both options on the sweater. I know he has worn a dress before to masturbate...which isnt a problem but when you NEED it to cum that's when I have a problem with it.
I just want the passionate I can't live without you naked sex. :|

[Hugo-B]

[QUOTE=beachbabe;319281
I have weighed both options on the sweater. I know he has worn a dress before to masturbate...which isnt a problem but when you NEED it to cum that's when I have a problem with it.
I just want the passionate I can't live without you naked sex. :|[/QUOTE]

Firstly the weight thing was way over the mark, we all know what a sensitive subject that is for the girls. He needs be read the riot act for this and threatened with instant dismissal.

If he has admitted to masturbating in a women's dress, and needs to wear a hooded top (which you suggested he substitutes for a dress) to cum from sex he likely has at least a fetish or two which he is embarrassed to share with you.

Someone repressing powerful sexual desires and/or attempting to enjoy them covertly in a relationship without the other person knowing is a recipe for disaster for the relationship, it will bring you both to where you two have arrived now i.e., not a good place. In his defense he'd probably use the excuse that you've put on weight (and risk hurting you and you leaving him) than admit he needs to be acting out a particular fantasy when having sex. This is actually quite sad.

Just because a man wants to wear women's underwear and/ dresses in bed doesn't make him a gay or strictly a transvestite. Basically it doesn't mean he wants to be, or thinks he is a women or is considering gender reassignment surgery. You say you can't deal with him needing to wear a sweater every time you have sex, the sweater is likely just a metaphor for something else (a dress) and he needs the dress for reasons you aren't aware of.

I've got a shoe fetish and I can remember a girl complaining I made her wear shoes and underwear every time we had sex, and she complained saying I should want to have sex with her naked, when I explained to her that I did and I couldn't help having these desires and that ultimately, it was HER I wanted, not anyone else she was a lot more understanding. I've been with my current GF for just under a year, and we've had sex with her fully naked about twice in that time, every other times she's worn her underwear and a pair of high heels. This doesn't mean I love her any less or dislike her body or whatever.

I think these fetishes, whilst difficult to understand for some people are harmless, I wouldn't tell a gay man her 'should' like women, or a transvestite he 'should' feel comfy in mens clothes; I know these examples are at the more the extreme end of the spectrum but I'm just trying to get the point over.

My best friend, (and another guy I know) admitted he likes wearing women's underwear, and he's the toughest most macho guy you'll meet, I would NEVER have guessed in a million years! He said he likes wearing her stockings and thongs. Each to their own I suppose, I know some people have more trouble accepting these things I suppose, his GF just takes it in her stride and doesn't seem to bat an eyelid about it.

I think you need to make a decision whether or not (and it is YOUR decision alone to make) you can go through with, and are prepared to accommodate your BF's fetish/s. IF you are, have a serious chat with him, let him know he can trust you not to abuse his trust and try and get him to open up and tell you what it is that's making him tick. Based on what you've told us if you asked him to start wearing your underwear during sex you'll soon be getting ALL the sex you want and probably more.

Just remember your BF is probably struggling with this a lot more than you realize.

Good luck!

P.s., the 'no Ryan Gosling' made me LOL!

[beachbabe]

Someone repressing powerful sexual desires and/or attempting to enjoy them covertly in a relationship without the other person knowing is a recipe for disaster for the relationship, it will bring you both to where you two have arrived now i.e., not a good place. In his defense he'd probably use the excuse that you've put on weight (and risk hurting you and you leaving him) than admit he needs to be acting out a particular fantasy when having sex. This is actually quite sad.

I think you are right here because after our fight he admitted to me that he used that comment to cover up what was really going on...which come to find out was the fetish. I think we both need to understand and explore his fetish. I don't think he has come to terms with it. I think he is afraid of it and that is holding him back. He is afraid he is going to labeled something he isn't. I am not oppposed to fetishes I just don't know that I could do it all the time. He assures me that he loves me and only me and doesn't want me to go anywhere. But when he doesn't cum my mind automatically starts jumping around to worst case scenario.
I think I do need to try to get him to explain further and get to the bottom of it. I might try to underwear suggestion

I love him very much and I do want to help him.

[jamesmarshalls]

Try to talk to him, ans tell how you feels. May be then he will understand that.

[Hugo-B]

Good luck BB, let us know how you get on.

[Hugo-B]

This is an interesting and relevant extract from a book I've been reading, it was written by 'Wilhelm Reich', a friend of Freud. This is from his book, 'The function of the orgasm'

"A person who has allowed prohibited sexuality , while retaining his defense against it, must begin to sense the outer world as strange. The world, too, for its part, labels such a person a freak and excludes him from its regimented ranks.... In turn he is often clearly aware of the sexual hypocrisy of his environment. Hence, he ascribes to the physician or to his own relatives what he himself directly feels. And what he experiences is reality - not fantasies about reality...

I think this pertains to more extreme examples of repressed sexuality which have led to, or are an underlying cause for serious mental illness, but I think it's quite interesting.