[emmabee]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year now. In the beginning, we had sex often - just about every night or at least anytime we were able to. We decided to move in together about a month ago, and the sex has really declined. He used to want to have sex every night, and I would turn him away sometimes. Now, I have to be the one to even initiate it, and I've been declined too many times.

I just don't understand. I've lost weight since we started dating a year ago, but he's put on about 20-30 pounds. I've asked him about why he doesn't want to have sex, and he just blows the question off, saying he's too tired. Finally he told me that it's because of the weight he has put on and that during sex he gets too tired to continue. I've told him time and time again that I am still incredibly attracted to him. I love him very much, and the weight doesn't bother me. I'm definitely not a slim girl myself, so when he's so put off by his own weight, I wonder what he really thinks of me and my own weight. I'm about 155 pounds and I'm 5'7".

Last night, I asked him if he'd like to start working out together since he keeps telling me he wants to get back into shape. He said yes, so I hope this helps. I'm going crazy! I feel so unattractive, especially after looking at other forums on other sites that suggested checking into his browsing history to check for porn sites. I found some that he has looked at in just the past week or so. He usually deletes his history, which bothers me. I've even found that he checks out other girls' pictures on Facebook. Please help!!

[Hugo-B]

You sound like a really cool girl who feels secure with herself and her body, don't let his insecurities ruin that for you. You also say you've lost weight, and that's great, keep up the good work. He's lucky to have someone who's willing to please him whilst also accepting him as he is.

Since I've started reading and posting on these forums one thing that has shocked me is how quickly women jump to blame themselves and their bodies for trivial things that are often mens issues and nothing to do with them.

OP, out of idle curiosity is your boyfriend not wanting sex causing you more sexual frustration or more anguish in terms of leaving you feeling unwanted? I'm asking to be an ******* I'm trying to understand the female mind more.

Assuming it's his weight gain that's bothering him, HIS issues, with HIS body, then one simple and easy thing to do would be to make sure you ONLY have healthy foods which you both enjoy in the house. Your idea of working out together too is a good one though he may feel slightly emasculated - again, his issue, not yours.

As for the porn I wouldn't worry about that, most men watch porn, at this stage I really don't think it's anything to worry about. I've been overweight before and I can attest I feel MUCH more attractive and sexual when I feel slim, he probably feels the same, so DO NOT blame yourself for this, he's lucky to have someone who cares about him, so much.

Good luck x

[emmabee]

Well, it just so happens that we had sex today after I talked to him again about it. Afterwords, he was upset that he was so tired after doing it. We used to have sex for longer periods of time. I feel like he only did it because I was (I'll admit it) nagging him.

He started jogging today, but was told to stop by our downstairs neighbors (we live in an apartment) because the treadmill was too loud and was supposedly knocking pictures of the wall. I jogged earlier in the day, and the neighbors heard me as well; but, luckily, they didn't reprimand me. He used to jog outside when we first started dating, but with this heatwave, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Honestly, I am very sexually frustrated because of this. For one, he's never been that much of a "killer" in bed. Not to say I'm that great either. We've even tried a ring vibrator, but it didn't really do much, in my opinion. But now, since he rarely even wants sex at all, it's even more frustrating; however, today was pretty satisfying.

I also should probably add that I think he might be somewhat depressed. He's tired all the time, eats quite often, doesn't hang with his friends much anymore, and never really wants to do anything but play his Xbox, unless I beg. He went through a lot of trauma in his life that I really don't think he got over. His father and sister both died within the year of each other (before we started dating). He was going to a counselor for awhile (which he kept secret from me until recently), but hasn't gone in a long time. His mother would set up the appointments and he would just go when she told him to. I asked him why he doesn't go anymore, and he said that maybe his mother thinks I'll fix him. I really don't want that kind of pressure. I love him to death, but there's only so much I can do for him, you know? I've been depressed before, and it's not something you can just "fix."

[jns]

Games can be an escape from reality, but they tend to feed depression because they never solve anything in the real world.

Do you do girl on top or other positions so he doesn't get so tired? Some positions like spooning can use only a little energy.

Portion control and exercise can help him control his weight.

Your BMI is OK. Don't think of yourself as being overweight.

[Hugo-B]

He could walk on the treadmill whilst wearing a weight-vest, that will burn more calories with less impact an not make nearly as much noise.

x2 on what JNS says.

[emmabee]

He actually has a weight-vest. I'll suggest that and see what he says. He also has a weight and bench set that he wants to start using again. I wish we had somewhere to hang his punching bag.

We do other positions, so I don't know why he doesn't seem to want to have sex.

I am incredibly proud of him for working out yesterday. And he told me this morning that he's never felt better after making the first step to get back into shape. It's pay day today and we're going to celebrate our 1-year anniversary tonight. He's an amazing guy, and I love him. I really hope he can keep this up so he can begin to feel better about himself again. He used to be very active because of his job, but I think his new position at an office job has really contributed to his gaining weight.

My BMI is on the brink of being considered overweight. I'm working on it, though.

Once he gets paid next week, we're going to buy much healthier foods - lots of fresh fruits and vegetables (something he never eats). I've looked up healthier recipes as well.