[JonDoe]

My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and for the past 6 years we have only had sex 4 times a year on average. We haven't slept in the same bed for much of the past 14 years either. My wife claimed for most of our marriage that she doesn't masturbate, and never includes it in our love making, but I have walked in on her a few times. In fact, I walked in on her last week, after she told me she was exhausted and going to bed. When she realized that I had entered the room, she jumped up from bed and got dressed. I told her that was incredibly sexy, and I'd like to join in, but she said "Nope, I finished", and picked up a book to read.

I told her that I am 100% supportive of her masturbating, and just the thought of it is a huge turn on for me, but since she never seems to want to have sex, it feels like she is lying and "cheating" me out a healthy relationship. I explained how she will never fully know how much it hurts me, to which she didn't even bother to sympathize, show compassion or apologize. She maintains that she only masturbates once every six or eight months, but I know for a fact she maturbated at least twice last week. Again, no big deal, except I am tortured by a sexless marriage (by definition). I want to be much more than the roommate that makes more than 3/4 of the money to pay the bills, helps maintain the household, and drive the kids to school and sports.

I walked in on her again tonight, but this time the lights were out and she tried to fake sleeping. When I went over to kiss her good night I noticed her naked under the covers, and she never sleeps naked, so I gently placed my hand on her naked behind as I kissed her. We talked again, I was very calm and reassuring, but she was not happy with me, as if I did something wrong. I am sure it is frustrating to be close to having an orgasm and then interrupted, but a loving spouse would quickly get over it, and perhaps invite her lover to join in. She insisted that I killed the mood, and she wanted to go to sleep. So I kissed her goodnight and closed the door behind me on the way out. However, I remained outside the door, and she started masturbating again a few moments later. I listened to her open and close the container of lube, and moan as she masturbated. Afterwards, she got up, got dressed, went to the bathroom, put the lube back in the closet and went to sleep, with one of our two dogs in the room, instead of me.

Now some might easily jump to conclusions that I am a terrible husband, lousy lover, have a small one, and/or not bring her to orgasm, but nothing could be further from the truth. She always comes first, and if I don't come fast enough for her, she gives up and leaves the room. Not once in all these years has she given me a hand job, nor has she ever given me a proper blow job.

The few times a year we have sex, she has incredible orgasms, which is what totally baffles me. If she simply had a low libido and/or I wasn't getting the job done, then I'd have an easier time understanding, and would do everything in my power to improve our lovemaking. If I had a small one, I'd even buy a big dildo. I bought a very basic vibrator once, and she was ****ed. She is a really tough nut to crack -- it took me 12 years before she was OK with the idea of receiving oral sex, and now she loves it; however, she still refuses to return the favor.

Since I couldn't fall asleep, I went downstairs, and noticed a book barely poking out of her laptop case. 50 Shades of Grey! "AWESOME!!!", I thought. She generally reads Nora Roberts and similar books. However, my optimism is gone, and my heart is truly broken because I want to be an active part of her sex life, our sex life.

Can their possibly be a glimmer of hope for me, for us?

[Nholland]

If sex were the problem I'd say have her masturbate while u **** her since that seems to be her thing and alot of women find masturbating easier but it sounds like there's underlying issues. Why do u sleep in separate rooms? And why is she so mean about it? I think u need marriage counseling. Side note, 50 shades doesn't have nearly as much sex as people think, more of about the relaionahip then straight sex. But i guess it could be she's really into s&m and ur not into the whole spanking and dominating thing?

[JonDoe]

But i guess it could be she's really into s&m and ur not into the whole spanking and dominating thing?

I've tried spanking her many years ago, lightly, hoping to ease her into it and perhaps other things, and she got ****ed. She got ****ed when she found a gift wrapped vibrator I had bought for her and planned to surprise her with. She considers it grouping, and doesn't like it when I walk up behind her, kiss her on the neck and touch her almost anywhere on the body. As I said, it took me years to get her to warm up to accept me giving her oral sex, and still hasn't warmed up to the idea of giving me a hand job or oral sex. It took me just as long or longer for her to allow me to play with her nipples, now she loves it.

I honestly think she simply heard other women say 50 Shades is a steamy romance novel, but most likely heard about it on Oprah, Good Morning America or similar show, in which case I doubt they went into much detail. My guess is she won't read the entire book, as I am fairly certain there are at least a few things she will be utterly shocked by, but I may be pleasantly surprised, if she fesses up to reading it.

I have asked plenty of times in all these years for her to masturbate before, during and after sex, but she refuses. I have even tried taking her hand and placing it on a body part on her or on me that I want her to rub, but no dice. Occasionally, if she had a few drinks, she may very briefly touch herself, but only when prompted several times, and never for more than a few seconds. There is no "dirty talk" during sex, she has always hated it, except two times we had sex this year, she said "********k me" a few times, which shocked me knowing how she is. In the past few years, she has slightly warmed up to me telling her to tell me to lick her p**ssy, but she has never said it without prompting. In fact, she doesn't like me to ask if it feels good either.

We tried marriage counseling, and the marriage counselor told my wife that we should be having a lot more sex. My doctor told her the same thing after my vasectomy, but I kept going back for an entire year, and was scheduled to have a second vasectomy before there were no "swimmers". Not only did we not have enough sex, but I guess I didn't masturbate enough either.

We stopped sleeping in the same room when my wife was pregnant with the second child; he is 14 now. She said it was because of her needing to get up so many times during the night, and other related reasons that I no longer recall. We moved to a new house 12 years ago, and started sleeping together again, but now she claims I snore and can't sleep in the same room. Our dogs have slept with her for the past 10+ years.

Honestly, I buried most of this for far, far too long, became numb, just getting through each day, week, month, year. It has been impacting my performance at work too. However, I have recently started deeply reflecting on life and trying to cope with the hurt feelings and resentment, so I can decide what steps to take next, whether it be individual counseling, marriage counseling, sex therapist, or divorce lawyer. I've talked to her about my feelings many times over the years, and she response was always "You are too sensitive." I let it go for years, and only recently started sharing how I feel and what I need from our marriage. I don't point blame, point fingers and say hurtful things. Last time I asked if we could take, she said "here comes another lecture." at one point, I told her I couldn't live like this a you're, and I won't continue to live like this anymore, at which point she started to listen and say I want the same things too. That talk as before the recent masturbation episodes that I wrote about in the original post.

[Clai0018]

Hi there,

Well, you seem like a very good and loving husband. (Hope mine turns out to be half as loving and patient as you!). Have you had a lot of alone time with her? Almost like dating again? Have you tried to maybe take her out to dinner or make her dinner, get the kids out or have them sleep over at a friends house or babysatt for the night...

Try cuddling, and kissing, but not pressuring her... I have a high libido, but that is just me,... I would not be able to sleep apart from my soon to be husband. I am also pregnant and would never want to sleep apart from him... This is my time with him. We cuddle and wrap are arms arround eachother before bed every night. Try just making her feel special, I am sure you do already, but make it extra special, tell her you love her and miss having the emotional connection with her. Don't pressure her to much... Just hold her and kiss her, see where that goes... you don't even have to have sex that night, just hold her... See if you get a reaction from her...


Good luck and keep us posted...

[DreamP346]

JonDoe, it really seems like your issue if a marriage problem, not a sex problem. Based on what you have told us, there are just so many issues going on. Try the marriage councelling again. You need to find somebody you both like. The last person may have worked for you, but probably not for her since your wife was called out about not being the good wife and giving you enough sex.

I also think you need to stand up for yourself. You have become a door mat, quietly taking her emotional abuse. She has gotten used to not respecting you or thinking of your relationship as a partnership. Maybe ask for a temporary separation so she understand that you are serious. Tell her that if she is not willing to see a therapist and try to work things out, you are done. Be willing to stand up to your word. You have children so you may not be wanting to get a divorce. Then an alternative would be to tell her that you will start seeing people outside of your relationship. Put your foot down.

[JonDoe]

Maybe ask for a temporary separation so she understand that you are serious. Tell her that if she is not willing to see a therapist and try to work things out, you are done. Be willing to stand up to your word. You have children so you may not be wanting to get a divorce. Then an alternative would be to tell her that you will start seeing people outside of your relationship. Put your foot down.

Great advice! In fact, I finally started that level of conversation last weekend since all other attempts over the years have not worked. At first she was very defensive, but I remained calm and spoke only about needs and desires, trying hard to steer clear of any conversation that would touch on guilt, blame, resentment, etc. Eventually, she said she does not want a separation or divorce, but I don't think she realized how close I am to making that decision, it seemed like she thought I was speaking in terms of a few more years. She said she loves me, that I am a good husband, provider and lover, and a good father too, and wants to make me happy.

I talked to her again this morning, and really put things into perspective, with real time frames, indicating I do not want to end our marriage, but I cannot continue living another day like this, because in many ways it is not living. Again, she was defensive, but when I became somewhat overwhelmed with emotion, it suddenly clicked with her. She realized that I am deeply hurting, she became compassionate, sympathetic, agreed that if the roles were reversed that she would be broken, and even said she has been selfish.

She is a beautiful person in many ways, mind body and soul, and very compassionate with family, friends and even new acquaintances. I am cautiosly optimistic, but I have a renewed hope that with true effort from both of us, could lead to a happy marriage.

Thanks for listening and offering reassurance and advice on this thread and other threads. I genuinely appreciate it!

[JonDoe]

Off to a great start...sorta

So after a lot of talking, we are actually starting to reconnect. In many ways, it is fantastic, perhaps a whole new beggining.

I took her to happy hour for drinks and a lite dinner on Friday, then we came home to fool around. I gave her an incredible orgasm. "WOW, that put me into orbit!" she said, as did her body. Before I could work her up to a second one, she wanted to ********** NOW. However, I couldn't get the rocket to the launch pad, hydraulic malfunction. ****! After a few brief moments of awkward tugging on her part, she was fed up. Not just sexly frustrated, but aggrevated with me. She told me to finish by myself, while she goes downstairs to watch TV; however, I manged to get her stay and lend a hand, well sorta. After all these years, she still hasn't bothered to learn what makes me tick. So I took matter into my own hands, and she lay next to me breathing in my ear, but she was far from an eager student. Needless to say, her lack of enthusiasm made it that much tougher to reach my goal.

On Saturday she read 50 Shades of Grey for 3 hours, during the day, then we watched a marathon of TV shows that she likes, then she went back to bed to read for another hour.

On Sunday, I sent her to the pool with girlfriends, told her she had a late afternoon appointment for a full body massage and I was making dinner. I bought flowers, wine, scented candles, message oil and set a romantic setting in the bedroom. She absolutely loved the body massage, and was practically begging for a happy ending even before the whole body was attended to. Again, she had an incredible orgasm. Again, I couldn't rise to the occasion. However, I told her this was all about her no-strings attached, but she was determined to make it happen. Still no dice. Once again, she wanted to leave me to the job at hand, except this time she would have no part in it.

Despite utter frustration, I still delivered on my promise to make dinner, and served Filet Mignon, steamed vegetables, fresh baked bread, and coffee ice cream for desert.

We obviously have a few big issues to deal with here. Our prolonged lack of intimacy and her lack of enthusiasm to please me is causing me to not achieve or maintain an erection, which has never happened until recently. But her near total lack of enthusiasm, and desire to please me, is concerning. I'm not expecting overnight success, and I immensely enjoy pleasing her, but what I simply do not understand is why she would not be making an attempt to put forth any effort to please me. What gives? However, I am standing firm with the ultimatum.

[Carmen93]

What strikes me about your posts is the fact that your wife continually lies about masterbating, even after you've caught her in the act and it's clear that you know she's doing it, and the fact that she seems unwilling and/or uninterested in doing anything to please you. Are there other areas of your marriage that your wife expresses issues with? Anything she has consistently held that you do or don't do that bothers her or are things outside the bedroom good? If the latter, it sounds to be as though she may have some deep seated issues around sexuality, sensuality, and shame. She won't admit to masterbating, then admits to doing it only every few months and won't let you join in, she won't give you a hand or bj, and you had to work on her for years to allow you to give her oral sex or even play with her nipples. Seems like the only thing she's sometimes ok with, without coaxing, is straight-up intercourse. I just can't imagine a wife feeling that way unless she's dealing with feelings of shame surrounding those things and can't find the words to tell you. Have you ever talked about how sex was framed for her growing up by her mother or other family? Did they talk about it at all or was she just taught that "good girls" don't do certain things? I just can't help but feeling that there has to be something in her past keeping her from clearing this hurdle in your sex lives. Maybe instead of a marriage counselor, a sexual therapist would be more helpful or someone with both credentials. Just sounds like there's something unspoken at play, here. I really hope she decides to start putting forth the effort to save your marriage.

[Claret]

Sex is power. By you not being able to perform lately, she now holds the power of orgasm over you. In the beginning her power was mainly focused on her. She decided the when, why and how. Masturbation was all in her control. Now that she thinks she may eventually be losing you if she doesn't participate more fully and engage with you, she is keeping her power by not helping you attain orgasm.

You have to also understand, women don't normally like feeling as if they are being directed, judged, nor awarded a prize when having sex.

Really, has this always been a problem -- What was your relationship like just after you were married? What was your relationship like before you had children? What changed?

Also, after 21 years of marriage I would think there should be no surprizes. She knows you inside and out. Why not shake yourself up? Start to take better care of yourself, work out, get outside interests that stimulate both the mind and the body. Perhaps if you quit focusing on what is or isn't happening in the bedroom, she may realize that she isn't the entire object of your being and may take a second look at herself and her actions.

In other words, make it not about sex.

[jns]

But her near total lack of enthusiasm, and desire to please me, is concerning.

A complete lack of enthusiasm from one's SO can be quite emasculating for a guy. No wonder you are having problems. I suspect those problems would go away with an enthusiastic partner.

I think Claret may be onto something when she stated: "Sex is power."