[Mariejay]

My fiance and I have been together in a faithful relationship for ten years and he treats me better than anyone in my life ever has. We are both in our late twenties and completely love and respect each other.

About three years ago he brought up our sex life saying that while the sex is great our sex life could be better. This was the first time he brought up to me that he doesn't want to have limitations in our sex life and wants us to always be open to new things. He mentioned the idea of a threesome as it is every guy's fantasy. I have kissed women in the past and find women to be very sexy and said that I could be open to having a threesome. We have discussed it over time and I said that I didn't want it to be forced but to happen naturally.

Then again last week the issue came up again. I asked him that if we had a threesome if he would want this to become a regular thing and he said yes, that he wants to be able to have sex with other women. He said that he knows it is wrong but he can't help it, that it is built into his nature of being a man. I then asked him what if I tried having a threesome and didn't like it? He answered that with. "Then I want to be able to have sex with other women on my own". He told me that he loves me more than anything, which I know after ten years is true, and that it is just about sex and nothing more.

We got further into the conversation and I brought up the idea of swinging with another couple and he said he was really not interested in that and that he doesn't like the idea of me sleeping with other men but would allow it.

I love him more than anything and I appreciate his honesty on this subject. He even said that most guys feel the same way that he does, they just don't say anything and cheat on their wives.

I don't know what to do at this point. I have read a lot other similar posts and I am beginning to think that maybe it is a woman's fantasy to want a man who only wants her sexually for the rest of his life. The thought of him having sex with another woman, even with me involved gives me knots in my stomach. I don't even want to have sex with other guys because I have found the one man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Is there some sort of compromise on this that won't ruin our relationship? I know there are plenty of people out there that have open relationships and I don't judge them but I just don't think I am built that way.

I would really appreciate constructive feedback on this and not just one sentences saying "leave him or your crazy".

Please help!

[jns]

I think that many men may have a fantasy about being with several women at the same time, but that is as far as it will go, staying a fantasy. Your fiance seems more intent on turning fantasy into reality. He wants to have sex with other women whether or whether not you are involved. It doesn't seem as if he is concerned about what you want. It sounds like he wants to sow his wild oats and still have you. Can you live with such a situation?

[Quest]

I'm a man and I am ok not having sex with multiple females, it's your future husbands problem. I suggest you think carefully before actually finalizing a marriage as it seems he's not that interested in you anymore.

[JonDoe]

I sometimes fantasize about having a threesome with my wife and another women, but it remains a fantasy. I am committed to my wife, and I know she would have issues with it. Acting out fantasies that involves having sex with other people works well for some couples, but not most. He could just as well have a fantasy about bending you over and taking you from behind in your local grocery store, but acting out that fantasy could land you in jail, so most are not willing to attempt to try it in real life. While living out a threesome fantasy is not likely to land you in jail, it could very well land you in divorce court, unless you both are honest with yourselves and each other regarding how it could impact your relationship.

[Hugo-B]

Having sex with a woman you truly love is better than having sex with two women you don't really care for. I can't comment on any other scenario.

One girl here began her membership with an epic first post which read along the lines of: If your partner wants a threesome with another woman tell him he can but first you want an MMF and you're going to choose the man!

I agree with JNS about your BF. He needs to know he can't have it both ways but at least he's been honest about his feelings. Has he not had many sexual partners before you?

[DSemcho]

My ex husband used to bug me about a threesome EVERY WEEK because he knew I was bisexual. And it got extremely annoying. My current husband is older (almost 28) and he has never asked me once to have a threesome with him because he is content with me - I have told him I'd be more willing to do it with him if he wanted. But he keeps telling me it's not a big deal, but if I presented the opportunity he wouldn't turn it away but he won't push me toward it. I think if your fiance were truly happy with your sex life he wouldn't be pushing you toward something you hadn't brought up to him first... And even then he shouldn't push you.

[Nholland]

Only you can know whats a deal breaker for you. I believe in complete monogamy and the most compromise hed get is watching porn. But i dont know about u, maybe youd enjoy a threesome and could only allow him to sleep w other women when ur there? Or maybe youd be ok if he got a happy ending at a massage parlor as long as theres no sex? There Are plenty of compromises but u need to think about yourself n what ur truly ok w. You wont be happy long if your forced intO doing something you dont want to. Tell him what youve decided is acceptable ans take it or leave it. Even if u dont think u could leave him bluff a little. Remain strong, if he loves you he'll back off n respect ur wishes trust me. Hes probably saying this cuz he thinks he can get away w it. Women have more power then they realize. But we back down cuz were so afraid of losing them.

[Hugo-B]

Only you can know whats a deal breaker for you. I believe in complete monogamy and the most compromise hed get is watching porn. But i dont know about u, maybe youd enjoy a threesome and could only allow him to sleep w other women when ur there? Or maybe youd be ok if he got a happy ending at a massage parlor as long as theres no sex? There Are plenty of compromises but u need to think about yourself n what ur truly ok w. You wont be happy long if your forced intO doing something you dont want to. Tell him what youve decided is acceptable ans take it or leave it. Even if u dont think u could leave him bluff a little. Remain strong, if he loves you he'll back off n respect ur wishes trust me. Hes probably saying this cuz he thinks he can get away w it. Women have more power then they realize. But we back down cuz were so afraid of losing them.

Good post, he may well be testing the boundaries, a quick kick up the backside could well knock him back into position. I'm guessing he hasn't had many previous partners and as JNS said wants to sow some wild oats.

How about introducing something new into the bedroom, something a bit wild which exceeds the limits of what you normally do together? This could well be enough. The truth is having a threesome is (at least the first time) pretty intimidating. Men worry and feel inadequate if they believe they can't satisfy one woman. I wouldn't recommend doing this because there is scope for it to go horribly wrong, and I don't know enough to advise more accurately but consider the possibility of calling his bluff - coming onto him quite aggressively and in a demanding manner accompanied by another women - the odds are he'll be terrified. Consider this when he's 'negotiating' with you his terms of the threesome.

The objective of negotiating is to reach a mutually beneficial agreement, but often it's just greed Vs need. He isn't in as strong a position as he thinks he is, trust me. I would keep the hypothetical scenario I mentioned above in the bank and use it as a last resort, but knowing it is likely should help strengthen your position.

Maybe he feels a bit envious and left out because he knows you've kissed women and gone a bit further than him, without him?

[DreamP346]

Relationship are about compromise and also negotiating what your needs and limits are. You guys need to have long and several conversations on this before moving forward. This about some of this questions, individually and then together:

What is the absoluate boundry that you will not cross
What would you do that would make you unhappy, but make your partner happy
What is a deal breaker - walk away from the relationship
What are you wildest (not necessarily doable) sexual fantasies

You guys need to talk about what each of you want sexually from your relationship. Figure out if you are sexually compatible before you get married. Majority of couples are not completely on the same wavelenght when it comes to sex, but they usually find a middle ground. Others don't, and get frustrated. You will read a lot of posts here from people who's libido doesn't match their partners. A lot of it about negotiating and compromising by both parties.

If monogamy is not an absolute requirement for your relationship, try exploring a little. Maybe kiss another person and share that experience with your partner. Talk about how that makes each of you feel. Then maybe kiss somebody while your partner can see/watch. Once again, talk about it with each other before you do more. Don't just rush into the threesome. You may be surprised by how much you like it or how much your partner can't handle you being with another person. Everything is about communication and negotiation. That is what makes a relationship work.

[Mariejay]

I want to thank all of you for your posts, they are extremely helpful and I just feel there is no one I can talk to about this that won't judge me.

To update and answer a few questions we have both had about 6-7 prior partners and we are planning to get married in April 2013. He does watch porn and explained to me that he I interested in trying some messed up things (ie peeing on another woman, etc) but that he respects me too much and sees me as his precious lady that he wouldn't want to do those things to me. I sometimes wonder if too much porn really screws with someone sexually. We haven't even tried anal yet, he said he wanted to leave something for after the wedding. And we have waited so long to get married because we both come from families with broken marriages and did not want to rush into it.