[JonDoe]

Over the years, I have occasionaly asked my wife to share a sexual fantasy. Her response is always the same, she pauses and then replies "I really don't have any fantasies." The extended pause and the response tend to make me think she is holding back.

Is it possible that some women don't actually have at least one sexual fantasy? Not even having sex in a certain place or with a certain someone? Or do you think she is holding back?

[Hugo-B]

I think she has them, or at least did have them, but they have become repressed. Only an asexual person would have no sexual fantasies, that would be understandable due to the complete and utter absence of any sexual desire.

Someone with a healthy libido would definitely have some kind of a fantasy, even if it were just a mild one, like having vanilla sex with a film star or something.

A person without a healthy libido or who has particular issues may simply not be confident enough to share those fantasies. My first GF asked me to talk dirty to her and to slap her across the face whilst we were having sex, I was about 19 at the time and just felt too uncomfortable to do it; it wasn't until my mid twenties I felt confident enough to start experimenting with these things, I simply wasn't ready.

Self confidence is gained through (positive) experiences and needs to be nurtured and cultivated over time. Negative or unpleasant experiences, or psychological issues (which may or may not be consequential of experiences earlier on in life) can restrict and repress people by - including and amongst other things - having a negative impact on the individual's ability to enjoy sex.

[JonDoe]

I also asked her recently what she thinks about when she masturbates, hoping she would share a fantasy. Her response was similar, long pause and then she replied "I have to concentrate." Of course I'm thinking "Yeah, you are concentrating on a fantasy, why not share it with me?"

[Hugo-B]

If your wife is the quiet self conscious type then she may just be embarrassed to share these things with you, or be worried she'll offend or upset you - or even feel ashamed that she's masturbating in the first place.

Did you say she only wants sex like twice a year, or am I mistaking you for someone else? Sorry.

[Element]

I think the only way we can give a clear answer is if we get a little bit more information. Is she comfortable with her body? How open is she about sex? Does she enjoy foreplay or just jump to the nitty gritty?

[JonDoe]

I think the only way we can give a clear answer is if we get a little bit more information. Is she comfortable with her body? How open is she about sex? Does she enjoy foreplay or just jump to the nitty gritty?

She is nearly 50, and has an amazing figure, but after two kids she is a little self-conscious about the effects. However, it isn't serious, just a realization of aging.

Open about sex? Hmm, that is tougher to answer. She was promiscuous before we were married, we had sex on our first date, which she initiated, we enjoyed an active sex life while dating, and then things went downhill from there, getting very bad for the past 5 years, that is until a few weeks ago, when I gave her an ultimatum. However, she has never talked about fantasies, so I would say no she isn't very open about sex.

She wasn't open to foreplay for many years, but for the past 12 years she has enjoyed incredible orgasms from foreplay and sex. However, she has been a very selfish lover throughout our relationship. That hasn't changed, but I am working on it with a great deal of patience.

She only recently admitted to masturbating after I walked in on her a few times in a span of two weeks. I think she had a difficult time knowing she was rejecting and neglecting me, and taking care of business for herself.

[DreamP346]

A healthy sexuality involves fantasies. Absence of fantasies is one of the symptoms of hypoactive sexual desire disorder. We all have some level of fantasy. It may be as simple as remembering a good sexual encounter with your partner or wanting to be Brad Pitt's girlfriend. But sharing fantasies can be difficult for some people. Personally I fear I might say something that will make my partner feel inferior or make him tease me.

More than likely your wife feels uncomfortable telling you. You probably need to just slowly make her comfortable telling them to you. Also, you don't have to share fantasies. That's what makes fantasies so boundless.

[JonDoe]

A healthy sexuality involves fantasies. Absence of fantasies is one of the symptoms of hypoactive sexual desire disorder. We all have some level of fantasy. It may be as simple as remembering a good sexual encounter with your partner or wanting to be Brad Pitt's girlfriend. But sharing fantasies can be difficult for some people. Personally I fear I might say something that will make my partner feel inferior or make him tease me.

More than likely your wife feels uncomfortable telling you. You probably need to just slowly make her comfortable telling them to you. Also, you don't have to share fantasies. That's what makes fantasies so boundless.

I'm not sure how much slower I can take things. We dated for two years prior to marriage, and have been married for 21 years. There is no harm is sharing that one would like to have sex in a hot air ballon, on a train, in a crowed movie theatre, dressed like Santa, etc. Similarly, I wouldn't be upset if she fantasizes about FF, MMF, or MFF. I just have a hard time accepting an answer of no fantasies or not even willing to share one or two. Heck, just be creative and make a few up to play along. Is that so wrong?

[Element]

It sounds like your wife is pretty old school in the sex department.

Since you two are working on your sex life, I think that shows progress and hope. Communication is always key for sex, especially for it to continue to be good and adventurous. For her being self conscious because of age, that's pretty common in American women. It's more to do with her psyche than you ravishing her with compliments. While compliments do help, she's the ultimate one who can help herself. Perhaps speaking of this with her would be best, tell her that you see her being self conscious and you wish she would see herself through your eyes, know how she affects you (sexually and lovingly). Help to guide her to get past beating herself up and start to enjoy herself as you enjoy her. Once she longer lets her physical body hold her back in bed, perhaps she'll be more open with sex.

Speak to her lovingly and tell her that you wish to show her more, explore more things with her. Go on a road together of pleasure. Help her to view sex as an adventure to travel with you. Bring up some fantasies of your own, tell her softly and slowly as you seduce her; kissing her neck, whispering in her ear, stroke her thighs. Let her feel enticed, like she's deeply wanted and needed by you. Let her get worked up and once you've finished telling her your fantasy, ask her if she's willing to do that for you. Guide her to what you dream about, that can let her slowly work on pleasing you instead of the sex only being about her.

[DreamP346]

You say you wouldn't be upset if she fantasizes about MFM, but does she know that? Have you told her that with both words and actions? Have you shown any jeolousy in the years you have been together? Even if it was once, she may hesitate to share that fantasy. Of if you are average sized and she fantasized about being with a porn star, she may feel it might make you umcomfortable. Maybe her fantasy is you being dominant, but at the same time she fears giving you control.

When we share fantasies, its more than just sharing intimate thoughts. There can be long term consequences and impact our relationship with our partner. If you are a private person that isn't too expressive and always needs to be in control, sharing fantasies can be really hard. Maybe try sharing some of yours and see if she will open up.