[haliyo]

Hello WH!
So my boyfriend and I started going out at Christmas, and in April he moved to my home town so we have been able to spend a lot more time together than we have ever done previously (we got to know each other by talking every night online.) Neither of us have much relationship experience, myself especially (in that I have none, lol.) I have lived so confidently and independently for so long now that the idea of actually, you know... DOING IT, scares the **** out of me, and I have only come to realise this recently upon spending more time with my boyfriend. It doesn't help that I just don't understand kissing. Kissing, foreplay and intercourse all seem great in my head. I am certainly not a prude when it comes to discussing, watching or even drawing and writing stuff like that. However kissing in real life is just something I have never enjoyed? I have 'snogged' 3 guys, and they have all been the same - very wet and a bit like snogging a horse (or atleast how I imagine it would be!) I admit it was better once tongue got involved, but it is still usually me just sitting there moving my mouth whilst basically waiting for him to stop so that I can go back to watching the movie. I've explained all of this to my boyfriend though, and being the absolute gentleman he is he was fine with it. He really is an absolute gem and I am so lucky to have him.

My main concern - and what has been concerning me for a while now - is foreplay. I am terrified of it because from what I can gather if you start foreplay, it will lead to sex. I mean - what is the point of getting everybody excited otherwise? Because of this all my boyfriend and I end up doing is cuddling on the sofa and kissing sometimes :/ Recently we have changed so that often he lies down, propped up against the arm of the sofa, and I sort of lie on him whilst we watch a movie. That's really nice, but I would still like to push our relaionship on further. I'm all for taking baby steps, but at the moment it feels like we're not going anywhere at all. I am really scared because I am so far out of my comfort zone and at times I just want to run back to my own little world and live my life out as a crazy cat lady, but I couldn't ask for anybody better to get over fear of the physical with <3 He said it was fine for our relationship to be abnormal - for it to not be very physcial. But poor guy right? As I say, I want to get over this whole fear.

I just don't know how to progress without going ALL THE WAY? Have you girls got any suggestions?

[jns]

My main concern - and what has been concerning me for a while now - is foreplay. I am terrified of it because from what I can gather if you start foreplay, it will lead to sex. I mean - what is the point of getting everybody excited otherwise?

Foreplay can lead to intercourse unless the couple engaging in it have strong feelings about waiting that can keep their raging hormones in check. Can the both of you wait until the right time?

[shoshannah]

What exactly is your fear? Answering that question (both for yourself and for us) is the first question.

For instance, is it the fear of getting pregnant? If so, then you can go very far down road of physical intimacy without risking that.

On the other hand, is it the fear of having your boyfriend have access to your lady parts, or of him seeing you naked, i.e., letting him cross some very personal privacy zones? There are ways to handle that, such as remaining clothed, or being naked under blankets or in the dark, and gradually allowing him more access as you get more comfortable.

Another possibility is that you're afraid of his man parts. Maybe at some point when you were growing up you were told or absorbed the lesson that nice girls don't touch boys there (or let boys touch them there). maybe you're scared you won't know how to give him pleasure or make a fool of yourself? If you're in love with each other there's no reason to be embarrassed, and it's perfctly reasonable fr both of you to expect a learning curve. he can be an active participant by telling you what he likes and what fees good and what doesn't. And, btw, you should be telling him about what works and doesn't work for you.

Another possibility is letting him see you becoming excited, losing control, and having an orgasm. That is an extremely thing--especially if it happens during intercourse, but also in any other circumstance. it was one of the hardest things for me. But that's what love and sex are--about letting the other person in totally. yes, it can be scary. But if you love and trust each other there's nothing to be scared of.

Do any of these sound like they describe your concerns?

About kissing and not liking it: A lot of things in the sex department will seem weird or strange at first, or just plain not exciting until you reach a certain point. i don't really enjoy French kissing until i'm already very turned on, for instance. The more you get used to things, the easier it will probably be.

[haliyo]

I suppose what I am literally afraid of IS his man-parts, and perhaps him touching me and me not really knowing how to react? (embarrassing >//<) I know it's stupid but I am very conscious of my image? I have a very particular style which I have sort of invented myself and I spend most of my time worrying about how I come across to people (it's sort of a victorian gentleman style - just to be perverse.) Now don't get me wrong - it isn't this girlish self-consciousness that is the main cause of my fear. If I am going to make a fool of myself infront of anyone, I'd rather it was my boyfriend <3 But it does mean that I have this sort of... pride rooted in myself? I will try to nervously laugh things off - especially in a situation where I have no idea what on earth it going on.
There was a time when he thought I wanted to take things further, and so we were lying in bed (fully clothed) and talking about stuff and he was trying to ask me about what I /liked/ (for instance when I was by myself.) And I just couldn't answer? I mean - I have no friggen idea! Sure I masturbate, but so much of that is mental and very different from being with a partner. After my useless and awkward giggling and 'hurr I don't know! >u<' he said 'well there's only really one place for a man' and he guided my hand down to his penis which was semi-erect. He then removed his hand and my hand just shot straight back up to lay on his waist. I still don't know what I would have done even if I hadn't been super scared and had been able to keep my hand there. Maybe I could have stroked it a little?
It is nothing in my upbringing that has sourced this fear, aside from perhaps my going to an all-girls school restricting any contact with boys when growing up. The main reason is because I have such particular tastes and have wrapped myself up in my awesome fictional world (I host Victorian Velociraptor parties and things for my friends) and so until now I have never found a guy who has been interested enough in the same things to really be interested in. I also have 2 role models (one from a 70s anime, another from a 90s one) who are both very strong women in quite a fairytale Princely way? It's difficult to explain, but I suppose I have quite badly detached myself from the real world? It doesn't help that I don't drink, and so I avoid clubs, pubs, bars etc.

shoshannah: thanks for your word about French kissing - it has been quite encouraging

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think from what you have said, it makes it a bit difficult because you prefer if I am reading that right, for him to be a knight, very old fashioned, loving and for even foreplay to be a fairtale of sorts yet, perhaps, you see it as dirty? Therefore, you have a problem with being the chambermaid?

For a man to feel his woman, and her love.. She owns it, with love.. When love is involved, there is no "dirty" aspect and you actually can be a chambermaid and a princess, what he sees is the princess if he understands your fairy tale.

If you haven't told him this? I suggest you do, just as you have us, even if you let him read this thread if you think it won't make him upset by you asking.

I wouldn't think so if he is a mature 21 year old.. He should feel proud that you are searching for your answer, for him.

[Hugo-B]

Haliyo: have you ever watched porn? If you haven't maybe try going to 'pornhub dot com' and clicking categories and going to 'female friendly'. Watch a couple of the films and see what you think of them.

There is a huge book available called 'the couples guide to getting it on'. It covers just about everything you can imagine between its covers and shares the addresses of numerous websites which of further information still. It makes for very interesting and informative reading.

Please come back to this thread though if you feel you require more 'bespoke' advice, as you can see above, people will be more than willing to offer it to you.

[Element]

Kissing is something that kind of needs to be worked on with two people at first. The thing is, as individuals we all have that certain combination that works for us, and the exciting thing about a new relationship is finding that out with a new person. What works for them, what special spots make them go nuts.

Try changing up how you two kiss, perhaps slow kisses that linger. After your guys' mouths close as you kiss, let the kiss linger a bit, then go in for another. Tilting your head a new way, run your hands through his hair, slide your fingers down his neck. Touching can enhance a kiss, it's all about the physicality of it all, feeling close. Le that barrier of yours down and let him in, let yourself feel him. You can feel how a person feels for you through kisses. There's passion, need, care, and so much more.

You don't have to jump straight to sex, in fact, I'm begging you not to. You won't enjoy it and it just may make your relationship uncomfortable. Start as teenagers; kissing, touching, fondling. Have a make out session and explore his chest, kiss his collar bone, trace his spine with the tips of your fingers. Start on getting to know each others bodies, don't jump straight to sex. Learn to be comfortable with your own body as well as his.

There is no rush to sex. Sex is suppose to be the ultimate way to connect with the one you love. You're with this person in a way that neither of you are with anybody else (unless you're swingers or something else of the sort). But the thing is, there's so much more for you two to explore, so don't jump ahead of it all. Take the journey and enjoy it. And if you have any other questions, then please feel more than free to ask.

[shoshannah]

It sounds to me like you're just afraid (well, maybe "nervous" is a better word) of the unknown and how it might affect things. First, regarding not knowing how to react--there is no right or wrong way to react, no way that you're supposed to react. Just react how you react and be comfortable with how you react. :-) When it comes to him touching you, it may feel strange at first, but at some point it will feel good. :-) As for touching him down there--if he's like my boyfriend, and I imagine most guys, just the fact that your hand is there will be a turn-on for him. :-) After that, ask him to show you what he likes.

As for you, being excited is largely mental, as you have already discovered in masturbation. Do thoughts of your boyfriend excite you too? Do you fantasize about him when you masturbate? If so, just try to carry those thoughts over to when you're with him. You may want to show him how you touch yourself when you masturbate so he can copy it, since you know that that way of touching yourself excites you.

I would try at this point to be open to some physical things with him--otherwise you'll never learn--but balance that out with the knowledge and understanding with him that you don't _have_ to push things to far too fast. Strange and unfamiliar is one thing; uncomfortable (either physically or emotionally/psychologically) is another.

HTH.

[DreamP346]

First, tell your partner what you feel. Foreplay doesn't have to lead to sex. Talk to your partner, tell him what you would and would not like to do. Ask that you not go beyond a certain point. So maybe the first week would just be kissing and touching with clothes on. Knowing that things will not go beyond this will help you relax and enjoy the things that you are doing. Only once you are comfortable with that, do you move to the next level. Take it slow and enjoy the things that you are doing. Don't push yourself.

You can try masturbating together. If you are uncomfortable with that, then try it while on the phone with him.

If you are into the whole Victorian scene, then ask that you cosplay with your partner and have him be your knight in shining armour as part of your sexual activities.

[haliyo]

Thank you everybody for your help