[K32]

Hi everyone.

I'm 32 at the moment, nearly 33. This is a bit of a relationship question, but since it involves sex I thought it might be more appropriate here. Forgive me if it's in the wrong spot.

So here is the background (it's a bit long, but I figure I you are to have an informed answer you require a detailed history).

My now husband and I were together for 8 years before we married, and it was I who asked him. We've been married now for almost 6 years.

I've honestly never been that interested in sex, however I do remember before children I was much more I interested. My husband has always had a high sex drive, which I used to try and keep up with, but it was difficult, even when I was interested.

When our first child came along, it was a complete surprise (the pregnancy, not the birth) to both of us, considering I was on birth control at the time. Nonetheless, out first boy was a little blessing (to me, it seemed like it was a complete disaster to my husband) My husband distanced himself from me and the baby, only speaking to me when he needed to (that's how it felt). He was at the time working full time and studying, and I understood and still do, the pressures that providing for a family can put on someone. I couldn't get him to budge though. At the time we were living with my parents, so this probably didn't help either. After a year and a half of living with my parents we moved in to our own home, and things got better, he was talking more, but still studying, which meant he would shut himself in a room for 5 hours after work, only to come out for dinner and bathroom breaks, then bed. Like clockwork.

The house has always been my 'domain', as in it's up to me to clean, cook etc, look after the kids. We did have a roster a while back for us both to do cleaning and cooking, but because he felt I got slack with it, he stopped altogether.

He stopped studying and things were really good - we were averaging sex about 2 - 3 times a week (which was a push for me) and he seemed happy. Sex dropped off to lower than that, and he was upset (as he has been many times), so when it comes to this I do try very hard to be interested in sex, but it takes a while.

We welcomed our second child (planned this time) early this year and it was my 2nd c-section. It took me a while to get back in to the swing of things, it was honestly about 6 weeks before we had sex that wasn't painful for me, however it was like even though I was in pain, I still had I do it, for him. The kids are 5 and 6 months old, I'm mostly a stay at home mum however I work from home approx 15 hours a week, so I have my own money (which is a different subject all together).

The reason I'm writing this post and searching for answers is because last night he slept in a different room - which has never happened before. I asked him this morning why he did this and he said that it was because I didn't give him what he wanted and he was sick of my games, then he left for work.

He doesn't help with the kids, never really has. He's only ever changed 1 nappy that I'm aware of and that was over 5 years ago, when the firsr child was a baby. He doesn't get up to the kids of they wake up during the night, he doesn't help feed the baby (unless I need a shower or I'm in the middle of cooking, when I ask), and doesn't really offer to help. I don't often ask either, for fear of being shut down and told that he is far too stressed out from work to be able to do it. He does the yard work on the weekends (when it's required) and odd jobs that need to be done, occasionally cooks (every 2nd week at the moment, on a Friday). We don't talk much when he gets home, seems like my day is boring and he doesn't want to talk about his work (I understand talking about work can make home life more stressful, but I do it out of trying to make conversation). I've spent more nights sleeping on the lounge out if exhaustion than I can count, I fall asleep when giving the baby a bottle, so I know this isn't doing much for our intimacy. He has started going on his own to parties with friends that I haven't met, which is fine, I'm invited all the time but we have children, and although I have parents that can look after them, they are OUR kids, I feel it's our responsibility to look after them. Especially when the excuse is to go out and drink. I'd rather stay home and sober, watch a movie or something.

I'm starting to think that my lack of libido is due to resentment of him, like I'm holding a grudge. If I try to talk to him about it he's always got an excuse or reason as to why he doesn't help out, and that this is my problem, not anything he has (or hasn't) done. He doesn't say he loves me, rarely ever has. Sometimes it feels like we are only married out of convenience and companionship, and very often it's like I'm a single mum with a housemate. I've read a few other posts and figured that it's not that I'm completely unaroused by the thought of sex, I think it's that in my mind I'm trying to punish him for not helping me or not being the husband/partner that I believe he needs to be if we are to have a successful relationship.When we do have sex, I find it very difficult to switch my mind off. Thinking about past, present, future, non-important things. Am I doing this in purpose?

I would like to hear your thoughts, and I am also prepared for comments which point out my part in this. What i really want to know, is what i can do to get past my resentment (if anything), and is there anything that I can suggest to him.

Thanks in advance.

[Ashlee T.]

I guess I'm wondering based on what you've told us about your marriage, why would you WANT to have sex with him? I don't think it's a mystery why you aren't interested in sex with him. What is HE giving YOU, that you need other than a place to live and care for him and his children? Seriously, where is the love? Where is the affection? Where is the making you feel special? Where is the pitching in with the kiddos since he is after all, their father? You're EXHAUSTED. Why would you not be?

When you said what you did about how it took almost 6 weeks after your csection to have sex that wasn't painful.....that makes my heart hurt for you. You had your lower abdomen cut open to remove a human being....and he couldn't even give you 6 weeks to heal? Instead he pursued sex with you and didn't care at all that it was hurting you as long as he got what he wanted. And you were too scared of the repercussions to say no. You shouldn't have had to say no. I'm sure you feel used by him sexually. And I can't say I blame you one bit.

How can you get past the resentment when nothing has changed? The only way to get past it, is to work past it, and that's going to require just as much effort from him. It's NOT something you can do on your own. You're not asexual....you just need to be loved, treated like a partner not a maid, have someone show you respect, cherish you, protect you, have compassion for you.

[jns]

I'm sorry that your husband is not warmer to you. And I especially sorry that he cannot hold and love his children the same as you do. There are many men like him but there are others who make different choices. It almost sounds like he uses studying as an avoidance technique.

You can make your relationship better with him from your side if you can afford to get a babysitter so you two can spend some uninterrupted time together, but that may just be wasted effort.

It sounds like the only way for the two of you to be happy together is for him to change, but expecting someone else to change usually doesn't happen. Have you tried counseling? Go yourself if he won't go.

[K32]

I've considered counseling previously, and I'm thinking I might give it a go - a lot of my depression is based around our relationship, I know that. My employer has a scheme were they pay for any counseling that's required, so im going to look in to that a bit further. Thank you both (so far) for your posts :-) I've been thinking the same things all day. It's very difficult to sit down and talk to him because I just start crying, you know?

[Lady Syrinx]

OMG, I went through a very similar situation. I'm not going to go into major detail. Suffices to say our sex life went south about a year after our daughter was born. We were on an emotional roller coaster. Our daughter will be five in September. We had decided to try marital counseling in January, but we seem to have fixed it ourselves. Tho, in our case we both wanted to rescue the relationship. You don't seem to have any idea what your husband is thinking. My only question is was he like this while you were dating?

[K32]

I have NO idea what he is thinking Lady, none at all. He doesn't talk to me about anything, but then again, I don't really anymore either - kind of feel like what's the point he's not interested anyway. When we were dating we were 18, and it was all new and exciting, we went out in the company of friends a lot. We went on dates to the movies, and out clubbing together. Then I would stay the weekends etc, and it all moved on from there really. I'm just really starting to feel like he's never truly 'loved' me, and I feel like such a cliche. I have not been perfect either I'll admit. I've been feeling for a while now, that we are only together because being apart would be so much more difficult in respect to $$...

[Lady Syrinx]

I have NO idea what he is thinking Lady, none at all. He doesn't talk to me about anything, but then again, I don't really anymore either - kind of feel like what's the point he's not interested anyway. When we were dating we were 18, and it was all new and exciting, we went out in the company of friends a lot. We went on dates to the movies, and out clubbing together. Then I would stay the weekends etc, and it all moved on from there really. I'm just really starting to feel like he's never truly 'loved' me, and I feel like such a cliche. I have not been perfect either I'll admit. I've been feeling for a while now, that we are only together because being apart would be so much more difficult in respect to $$...

We really are similar. I've been with my husband since we we're both 17 (20 years together in 2013). We lost ourselves when our daughter was born. The only fun we with our friends. Other than that we we're exclusively mommy and daddy. We stated "dating" again. For example we stated going to the Symphony Pops after going to see the Christmas performance last year among other things. We go to opening day at a local amusement park every year. When we we're coming home this year we both said it was the most fun we'd had together in a very long time. I firmly believe this what saved us.

It all started because I finally realized that we couldn't go on that way much longer. My self-confidence was extremely low when I finally decided to talk to him. I didn't think he would listen, he did. We talked for 2-3 hours and after that we started spending more time together and the communication improved as a natural consequence. We're actually talking about going to Ireland, for our 10 year wedding anniversary. A year ago we we're barely speaking unless we were with our friends.

[K32]

That sounds great :-) I'm glad you guys were able to talk and come I an agreement, dating sounds like a heap of fun :-). I had a talk with him last night, as usual I did a lot of the talking. Basically he feels like I've been doing my own thing, so he's been doing his own thing, like going to parties etc. I told him that it can't keep going '*** for tat' or we'll end up hating each other, he seems to think that won't happen, I also told him that I wanted him to think about what he really wants - if it's us as a family or not - because I'm sick of feeling left out and alone, and I told him about how I felt like a single mum with a housemate, and he agreed that it felt like that sometimes. Still at an impass, but he felt I'd given him an ultimatum - which I kind of did, but he knows I want him to think about I he would like us here with him in the future, because I can't handle being treated like a maid and day care person - because basically that's all it feels I am to him. He has been talkin to me a bit more today, and was very quiet last night, I'm hoping that this was due o him considering everything I had mentioned to him. I'll keep you posted on the outcome :-) thank you again for your support, I really do appreciate it. I know I've been a heap happier since I talked to him last night. I also mentioned counseling to him - no real worthy response.

[mab_426]

K32,

I'm only 22 but I have gone through quite alot. I read your story. I am sorry to hear everything that your going through. I do not have children but I started to go to therapy and found out that I had been depressed for the past few years. Maybe you should look into that because I never really wanted to have sex and what not either. They may even prescribe a medication to help but many also kind of cause you to lose your libido. Your husband should be more understanding especially if you go to him and explain (it seems like he's all about himself and little about you). At least my boyfriend did/still does because it's not easy. I have a niece and nephew and taking care of children all day is extremely exhausting. He should help you after work and not force you to do it all. Not only taking care of your children but also having to care for the home is alot. He should stay home with them sometimes and pay for you to get a mani/pedi or massage or something. Doesn't seem like he cares about your well-being. And in a relationship you should always be able to communicate, no matter what. Him neglecting you does not make anything better. You sound like you want to work things out in your relationship, meanwhile, be the best mother you can be. He should want to do his part and its obvious he's not. I can tell your trying really hard to communicate but its not getting to him. Personally, I feel as though you should try therapy on your own and try marriage counseling (if possible, may be expensive). But most importantly he has to want to fight for your relationship also. It doesn't seem like there is love in this relationship (but that's just me). I wish the best of luck and please keep me updated. Make time for yourself if possible, paint your nails, treat yourself, make yourself happy (because your children will be able to see that).

[Lady Syrinx]

That sounds great :-) I'm glad you guys were able to talk and come I an agreement, dating sounds like a heap of fun :-). I had a talk with him last night, as usual I did a lot of the talking. Basically he feels like I've been doing my own thing, so he's been doing his own thing, like going to parties etc. I told him that it can't keep going '*** for tat' or we'll end up hating each other, he seems to think that won't happen, I also told him that I wanted him to think about what he really wants - if it's us as a family or not - because I'm sick of feeling left out and alone, and I told him about how I felt like a single mum with a housemate, and he agreed that it felt like that sometimes. Still at an impass, but he felt I'd given him an ultimatum - which I kind of did, but he knows I want him to think about I he would like us here with him in the future, because I can't handle being treated like a maid and day care person - because basically that's all it feels I am to him. He has been talkin to me a bit more today, and was very quiet last night, I'm hoping that this was due o him considering everything I had mentioned to him. I'll keep you posted on the outcome :-) thank you again for your support, I really do appreciate it. I know I've been a heap happier since I talked to him last night. I also mentioned counseling to him - no real worthy response.

K32,

I'm glad you finally talked to him. I know what I suggested it's going to work in all situations. He may have been shocked by the suggestion of therapy. He may just need time process everything that was said. I know that I was taken aback when my husband mentioned because I had been thinking that for some time but thought he would be completely against it.

Here's a little bit of background he was in school (2 year associates program) and working. He started school just before our wedding so we never had a real honeymoon, we just stayed at a local hotel for a week. That was 03-05, Then I got pregnant in late 06-early 07, our daughter was born in late September. In late 08 he decided that he was going to school for a certification related to his job. It took a year or so to finish between classes and certification tests. So there was a lot distance between us in our marriage. So we didn't have much time for communication, or more the not as much as we had when we were dating. That kind of sounds like you as well. I had gotten to a point where I was scared to communicate about anything important because I didn't want to stress him out any more than he already was and it slowly crept into even the the minutia like talking about TV, movies, etc. So eventually the proverbial ships passing in the night. He was playing video games when he was home and I was in our bedroom. I don't know if any of this helps, I hope it does.