[K32]

We could be the same person - sounds exactly what I have been and am still going through. And it does definitely help, having someone to talk to that has been living in the same circumstances, I never thought I would find anyone else with almost the exact same issues.

Things have been good the past few days, talking, smiles, he's even talking to me about his work again which is good. Hoping it continues, fingers crossed :-)

[K32]

Thank you - and you've hit the nail on the head. He is a very selfish man, and even though things are good again, I don't expect it to last too long - dont get me wrong, I really want it to. But history proves it doesn't last. I have thought seriously about gettin some help for my depression, which is on and off, just depends what is happening, but concerned that the doc will want to put me on medication, which even though it might work, I don't want to become something or someone different. I think after our talk, he has a better understanding of what effect his behaviour and attitude has on our family, well im hoping anyway. Fingers crossed :-)

[JonDoe]

He isn't helping around the house as much as you would like and you aren't as intimate as he would like. So many couples experience very similar circumstances during marriage. There really should be frequent public service announcements about coping with this issue in marriage.

If you both want to save this marriage, you both are going to have to take a vested interest and deal with real issues instead of avoiding it altogether. Sit him down, removing all distractions. Tell him you realize that neither of you are perfectly happy with the current situation, but you are hopeful that with a little effort from both of you that big improvements are possible. Then tell him you are more than willing to work at it together, that you want to move forward together as a happy, intimate couple. Then open the dialog from there. Just be sure to keep the tone as positive as possible and avoid pointing blame and dwelling on the past. Onwards and upwards!

Do you truly know his love language and does he truly know yours?

[TVlover]

I have, or rather, had, a childhood friend.

A while ago, due to a bad situation, I ended up moving in with him, his fiance, and their 7yr old daughter.

Their relationship was the worst I have ever seen in my life. He basically controlled EVERYTHING. I cant tell you how shocking it was. He would come home from work at 5pm, and just start shouting and swearing at her to sort dinner out, to which she would run around liek a headless chicken and do what he said.
He basically ran her life. Every aspect of her life was under his control.

In time, it dawned on me to ask her the question, "Why the **** are you with him? He doesnt show you affection. He controls where you go and what you do. He embarrases her infront of people. why?"

As I lived in the room next to theirs, I knew beyond doubt that their sex life was nothing more than a 5 minute fumble once in a blue moon, again, when HE wanted sex. So I could see no plausible reason as to why a woman wanted to be with him.

He was massively unhygenic. Would literally come home from work (mechanic) with filthy hands, have his hands down his pants scratching his privates, then serve their dinner with his hands.

She actually had her own business and earnt a decent some of money, far more than he earned each month.

She had no answer. Yet she married him at the end of last year.

Whats worse is, the night before the wedding, all of the gys went on a night out. He ended up taking a girl back to their house and sleeping with her on the morning of their wedding!

He went from being my best friend to somebody I absolutely detested.

I dont speak to him anymore.

I guess my point is, why are you with him? If he offers nothing of what you desire, and isnt even attentive to the kids, what on earth are you doing???


And to finish off, the story I just told, she was actually Sectioned not so long ago, and kept in a mental institution for 3 months. Has now lost her job as she cannot work with children, and is completely under his control.

[Lady Syrinx]

We could be the same person - sounds exactly what I have been and am still going through. And it does definitely help, having someone to talk to that has been living in the same circumstances, I never thought I would find anyone else with almost the exact same issues.

Things have been good the past few days, talking, smiles, he's even talking to me about his work again which is good. Hoping it continues, fingers crossed :-)

I'm glad my story helped you. I hope things will continue to get better now that it's out in the open like it did for us.

[K32]

Thank you JohnDoe and TVLover for your replies, I really do appreciate them. We did sit down and have a big talk, I think I posted that (can't remember) but it was extremely one sided, and I put everything on the table. Told him how it felt like I lived with a housemate who I cooked for, cleaned for, did everything for. He agreed that it felt like that sometimes. But didn't have an answer for that. I told him that all i really wanted, was him to tell me that he loved me, and for him to help out with the kids. I can handle the house etc, but being the motor for the whole family is hard work. He couldn't give me a straight answer, but he never ever has in regard to whether or not he loves me. That's not entirely true - 2 weeks into our relationship I told him I was in love with him, he said 'I love you too', but that was over 12 years ago, not sure if it still counts. Anyway, I kept asking him what it was that he felt we needed to do, and he kept dodging, said that ilhe didn't want to be honest like that because he was sure
I would use it against him somehow, and the reason he's worried about that is that ive done it before. My issue with that statement is that I am not the type of person to take a persons feelings or secrets and turn them in to a weapon, but I know I'm not so I'm not worried. In the past, he has blamed his lack of being able to open up and ability to let his guard down on his upbringing - which wasn't as sheltered or loving as mine I'll be honest - but I don't see that as a valid excuse and have too him as much.

Things are good at te moment, as in there's no attitude from him (not much anyway), to be quite honest it still feels the same - but I'm not unhappy right now, I guess because as you guys suggested, I put everything out there, told him how I felt, advised him of my concerns with his lack of relationship with the kids, offered to go to marriage counseling also. I've pretty much done everything I can I think. I'm still concerned that ten years from now we will be fighting it out in court, but I'm not too worried, I can hold my head very high (figuratively) because I've done and am doing the best I can with what I have. Yes I too wonder why I stay, and I don't really have an answer. Not yet. It's probably because the kids need me and I need them, and I need to stay strong for them - and myself. Right now I'm doing an ok job of that :-)

At the moment it's 12.33am, I'm giving the baby a bottle. So I'll say goodnight for now, and thank you again for assisting me with your answers. You have all helped me settle this in my mind, an I don't know how I will ever repay that. In not trying to be corny by the way, I just really do appreciate it.

Ps - Amelia I'm not in London but thanks :-)

[K32]

TVlover that is terrible of your ex-friend, and thank you for the post, apart from the verbal abuse and a few other things it does sound a bit like my relationship. And like u said, I do wonder why, but I don't have an answer just yet. Which is probably an answer in itself I think?

Before we got married, I remember I was at a nightclub, drinking (we were bf/gf livin together back then), and talking to another lady about what I did, what parner did etc, remember telling her that i made his lunches for work, dinner etc - and was very surprised to have her tell me to get out of it ASAP, don't want to be stuck doing that the rest of my life.

My grandfather passed away last year, after almost ten years of being a widower. My nan did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, bore, loved and looked after 4 children and countless grandchildren, everything (ok yes, different time, but still). It was only after she passed away that he seemed to realize what he had (or hadn't) done, he became a very sentimental old man. I'm concerned that if things don't change, the same will happen here. What is the point if you are only going to live to regret it?

I don't want to end up sectioned or having a nervous breakdown because of this - I'll leave if that ever looks like it will happen. I have had depression and have ha it enough now to be able to recognize when I am at a low point. I'm not saying that the wife didn't know what was going on, she would've known full well. I'm sad for her losing herself, and hope that she gets stronger and better.

[Sunlight72]

Hello K32,
firstly, and with sincerity, I wish you and your husband and children a content life and sooner than later.

However, I am personally disappointed to see 2/3 of this thread as a complain-o-rama complete with cheerleading on the sidelines.

You are a fully capable adult. You (and your husband himself) are not a victim here. You can and should take more responsibility for your life, your marriage, and your family's future.

You can do it. You are not helpless. You are intelligent and aware of your world. Good for you

Communicate more with your husband. Complaining to friends/family/acquaintances/your husband is not communicating, it is just complaining. Communicating is when you talk, and listen, and talk, and listen.

In a marriage it is best done when sitting next to each other on the couch, touching each other's shoulder, arm, knee, or even rubbing feet or leaning your head on his shoulder.

From what you have written, you have gone about your daily life grumbling and upset at your husband (could be good reason, I'm not saying it's all been peachy between you two). Then, after years of frustration you finally get up enough gumption to plan a 'talk' to him, and give him a piece of your mind (that part is good) without him being prepared to converse as he didn't know this was coming that day (that part is not so good).

Now what I think of his position is that he should have darn well been communicating with you for years as well, but I'm not able to speak with him directly.

I'm glad you spoke to your husband, and I'm glad he at least responded as if he listened and cares.

From what else you wrote, it sounds like you consider that now you have completed your duties, and are just going to wait for him to make your marriage and family and life become pleasant and meaningful. Good Lord, no.

You are not "done" communicating. Please realize - that talk you had with him was only the earliest part of a beginning toward building a current relationship together

I cannot encourage you in strong enough wording to please do two things...

1) Communicate more with your husband. About your relationship. About the newspaper. About the flowers you like best. About where he would like to go on a trip with you (overnight, or for a week, or for an afternoon). About his friends, about your friends. About anything. Just communicate. The more you two converse with each other, the easier it will be to build a better relationship.

2) Make a little time to get out of the house during the day and do some things yourself. From what you've written it sounds as though you spend very little time outside the house except perhaps to run errands. Either plan an extra 20 to 40 minutes before/after running errands, or plan a short time the next chance you see during the day to break away for 20 to 40 minutes without any tasks, and just do a little something interesting or meet a friend for coffee.

It can be helpful to write a little list of things you would like to do in a short time, and then when you see a break coming up in your day just pick one and go do it. Do this 3 or 4 times a week perhaps. This will give you a chance to see a little different perspective on the world, and also to have something to talk about, and think about and look forward too without your husband needing to plan it for you.

I realize you have a baby to keep in hand. Can she/he be brought along to a park? Can she/he be left at a neighbors' home for a few minutes in exchange for you helping the neighbor in return? Find a way.

Perhaps in the future, if you start these breaks on your own, you might then invite him along occasionally. He works all day, right? Does he ever take a 15 minute break from work? Maybe you will think of something to do near his work, and if you plan it the morning before he heads off to work you two could meet up for a little get together in the middle of the day

This is how you can build a relationship with your husband. Put in some effort, and communicate, and show him you want it to work (don't just say, "I want our marriage to work" - show him with communication Besides words. Communicate with your time).

Call him at work just to tell him you're thinking of him. Don't call to ask him to run an errand on his way home. Just tell him you were thinking of him, hear his response, and say you'll be happy to see him when he gets home.

This can really change things for the better, and can make it much more likely to get him to engage in your family and be happy to do it

Please give it a try for a few months. Please don't just throw up your hands and expect him to miraculously become a loving, romantic man out of the thin air.

You become considerate and romantic. With an honest, good heart, and see over time how he responds. And just as importantly, see how it makes you feel to be honestly and with an open heart pleasant and warm with him. It makes me feel happy to be warm and thoughtful with my girlfriend, and I bet it could bring a nice feeling to you too .

And to anyone who says that you are too 'exhausted' and shouldn't have to put any effort into building this relationship, I say that is a childish useless attitude. Of course we have to work at things (especially relationships).

You are one half of this relationship, and you are very capable of influencing the direction of your marriages' future. If your husband is lazy, shame on him. If you are lazy, shame on you.

You can not change your husband's behavior, but you can change yours and then if it still doesn't work out at least you will know you gave it your best effort. And be honest with yourself (don't tell me - it really doesn't matter to me). Have you given your best effort? Is your marriage and your children's future worth one more ounce of your best intention and best effort? Only you know.

Best Wishes - it's not easy, but it's a great feeling when you do come to realize that you and your husband are on the same team again and that you two can do great things together.

[K32]

Thank you for your reply :-) and yes, I agree with you - it is a lot of me complaining, with cheerleaders as well. I have been working very hard lately to make our family more of a family - you are right, I can't just sit here and grumble about it, it actually only makes me feel worse in the end. I haven't been on here for a while, so I've had some time to think and work on things (I think) and I think we are building our relationship again. I am asking him to do more with me - and involving him more with the kids, and with me also. Well, trying to :-) time will tell, and I'm not ready to give up yet.