[rebeccab]

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year and everything is going perfectly. He treats me wonderfully, shows me he loves me and gets me through all the rough patches. However, in the last few months we haven't been having sex as much as we normally did. Before we would have it about two or three times a week and now I am lucky if I get once or twice a month. I feel terrible and like the most unattractive person. I have spent many nights crying about it and trying to appear sexy to him.

I always have to start it and most times I get rejected. He will say he is too tired or there isn't time or just that he doesn't have a high sex drive so he doesn't want sex as much as me. He does kiss me and we do other things but rarely does he go down on me and he hardly fingers me either. If we do anything it is a blowjob. When we do have sex he never gets off, in the year we have been dating he has only come once during sex. He can get off other ways but never that way. I do know that he has a problem with masterbation and does it almost every night. I figured this has a lot to do with the problem but he won't stop it and thinks im being too controlling.

I don't know what to do and I am losing a lot of self confidence, I do not want to break up with him but I feel like soon dating him means living with no sex. What do I do?

[jns]

You are not being too controlling to want him to pay attention to you instead of his hand and most likely porn. The masturbation probably has a lot to do with him not being able to reach orgasm. Try to get him to quit masturbating for several weeks and then go back to having sex with you. He should be able to reach orgasm. If he is not willing to do that, I'm not sure how much he is concerned about you. How long can you continue this way if he doesn't start paying more attention to your sexual needs?

[DreamP346]

First of all, it is not about you. Meaning this is not your issue, it is his. So don't take it personally. He has an issue with masturbation, not you. Remind yourself that. Tell yourself you are beautiful and your boyfriend is an a-hole for not loving you more.

Now that you have your confidence back, you need to lay down the law. The issue with too much masturbation is that men get too comfortable with themselves and know exactly what to do and the amount of pressure to get themselves off. That is why conventional sex doesn't do it any more. It is very selfish of him to take care of his own needs and then blame you for being controlling. If anything, he is being selfish and uncaring. He needs to stop. Period. Tell him that if he doesn't, you are going to walk. Understand that this will not go away and may even get worse. Can you live in a relationship like that? If this doesn't get resolved now, it never will.

[TJPatriot]

What type of porn does he masturbate to? Is he gay?

[ItsASecret]

What type of porn does he masturbate to? Is he gay?

It does not matter what type of porn he watches some men simply get so involved with porn and masturbating to it that they do choose it over a real woman. Some men want the porn because his SO is not like the actresses and therefore he only goes to porn to indulge in the fantasies and ogle the female actresses, some men do not care at all about what they see they just get so conditioned to masturbating to porn that it becomes the only way to release...seeing that porn to them is the reason they have an orgasm and not their SO. Some men masturbate with such a hard grip that a woman's vagina is simply not enough pressure to do anything so they ignore the woman sexually. Some men do not want to bother getting the woman aroused, or spend the time getting her off, or make sure that she is comfortable so they masturbate to avoid everything. The reasons are entirely subjective but there are men who would rather masturbate than actually spend the time with their SO.

[Guest]

...everything is going perfectly... However, in the last few months we...

What do I do?

Read the first statement ten times...

It appears that you believe his frequent masterbating is interfering with your sex life. So you have two choices; 1. Get him to reduce the amount he masterbates and what he masterbates to, or 2. live without sex by staying in this relationship.

By the way, any time someone starts with a a few sentences then says "but..." or "However..." it is interpreted to mean "Please forget what I just said prior to "but..." or "however..." because now I'm going to tell you what I really mean... Which can be confusing...

[JanieMarie]

I'm not sure what happened to my original comment. Perhaps someone thought I wasn't being serious and it got deleted. I was sincere. I agree with *Seeker_Advice that the only way he is going to recover his sex drive it to abstain from masturbation for a few days. However, pornography is so alluring these days that many men just don't have the willpower to do that on their own. They start out strong but then their resolve crumbles in a day or so and they find themselves back online looking at porn and masturbating. That's the reason that the modern male chastity device is one of the top selling adult novelty products (i.e. sex toys) right now. Just google ******* and you'll find scores and scores of adult stores that sell it. The web has brought technology into the bedroom and it's wreaking havoc on relationships. You've got to fight technology with technology.

[JonDoe]

If he cares about you, then he needs loosen his grip and curb his masturbation, which could take several months until the sensation returns during intercourse.

[TJPatriot]

If he cares about you, then he needs loosen his grip and curb his masturbation, which could take several months until the sensation returns during intercourse.

I masturbate on a fairly regular basis (every 1-4 days) and I still have an active sex life and can get off purely through vaginal intercourse.

[Hopeless Dork]

This is not the first time a woman has come in here and said that her partner has told her he has a "low sex drive", yet still masturbates all the time. Some men are so habituated with masturbation that they see it as a completely different entity than sex. It's like eating or brushing their teeth and they don't see how in the world it could ever be tied to sex with their partner :\.

Thing is men have one penis, The same penis that is masturbating is the same penis they could potentially use for sex. If they orgasm out of that one penis, they will have satisfaction and then a refractory period for when they are ready to use that thing again.

For some men its minutes, for some its hours, for some - one orgasm in a day is all they really want or need. So for the man that is like the latter, if he blows his steam on himself... of course he won't have a drive for sex with his partner. But that is not to say he has a low drive or no drive, its to say he is using his normal sex drive to be sexual with himself and no one else. Its beyond selfish when said man is in a relationship with a woman that is craving intimacy with him and being rejected because he's like 'well dang it I just dont know why i am so satisfied already, i mean i masturbated 3 times today -- but that couldn't possibly be why i dont want sex with you!'

Sorry... it is just incomprehensible to me why some men can't connect those dots, but unfortunately - from what I see posted here routinely - Many CAN'T.

It is not controlling to ask your partner to share some of his pent up sexual energy with YOU. Rather than burn it out alone.

When you lead, as someone else pointed to, when you lead with "everythings perfect".. except for this one thing that makes me cry, makes me feel rejected and unwanted, except for the fact he blames me and calls me controlling because of his selfishness... you are setting yourself up to settle for misery.

If you are faithful and forsaking other men for him, only to be ignored, you are not being treated the way you deserve. I am not saying he's not the right guy for you, I'm saying he is going to have to be open for a discussion- not an accusation driven argument, just a discussion - about your needs and the little things he can do to make you feel special and loved.

Perhaps leading with something along the lines of telling him you have nothing against masturbation, and that you are not asking him to never do it again... and you aren't trying to control his pleasure... its just that you want to share in his pleasure more often. That if he can, just try... when he feels excited enough to masturbate... or when he feels driven to find stimulation to get excited to masturbate.. that he just save that feeling, let it build and use that energy with you sometimes... perhaps he can make that connection that could save the whole situation.