[JonDoe]

My husband is a scientist. And no he doesn't know about the affair. To be fair, I would say that he would not agree that he has told me or believes I am "unimpressive" or that he is disappointed with me, and that is certainly a question I think people would disagree on. Some might say the things he has said were thoughtless but I shouldn't have taken it so seriously, some might agree that they could be really hurtful, and still others might ignore it completely.

My comments have nothing to do with the Dom/Sub questions, but I thought it might be helpful to add some insight regarding communication.

In general, Scientists and Engineers are critical thinkers who look for and deal with existing problems and/or anticipate future problems, then try to solve those problems. Because of this, people in different careers or walks of life may find comments from Scientists and Engineers to be negative or overly critical, when that may not have been their true intention. Go out to dinner with an Engineer and ask him or her to comment on the meal, and you may get a response such: "The steak was good, but the potatoes were over-cooked." Or you may only hear about the overcooked potatoes because he assumed you already knew the steak was good. The Engineer provided objective feedback that included the good and bad, but some may hear mostly the negative, and who could blame them really? Even more so when the comments are more personal in nature, especially regarding sex, which is one of the toughest things for many people to discuss.

In my opinion, based on only 2 posts so take with a grain of salt, communication is a primary issue here. After your husband makes a particular comment that you object to, have you tried reiterating it back to him in your own words as you heard it? Such as "What I heard you say was [FILL IN THE BLANKS]. Did I get that right?" This way it doesn't sound to him as if you are twisting his words or making accusations that in his mind are false. All you are saying is that you want to make sure you understood what he meant, which is difficult to get upset with. Obviously, communication is a two way street, so he needs to use similar skills too, as well as realize how his comments are perceived and make changes accordingly.

You admitted to having an affair and are feeling under appreciated, thus your marriage isn't exactly on solid ground. Therefore, my recommendation would be focus on communication, respect and trust first, with the help of a really good marriage counselor, then work on improving intimacy and "vanilla" sex before trying to introduce the Dom/Sub role playing.

[Hugo-B]

^^^Good post Jon

I don't know any scientists but I've met plenty of engineers who all had pretty limited social skills. One was quite likable but was no communication expert. I'm not psychologically suited to my job because it doesn't involve interacting with people, whereas my first job out of school was customer service which I enjoyed although the money was ********. I find it really interesting how different personality types are and are not suited to particular lines of work.

There is a great quote by a famous British Judge called Lord Denning, which I love, and is fitting here since the OP is a Lawyer and her husband a scientist:

"Words are the Lawyers tools of trade... it is your words that count most... The reason words are so important is because words are the vehicle of thought... There is no other means available... Sometimes you may fail - without your fault - to make yourself clear ... a word can mean one thing to one person and another thing to another... The English language is not an instrument of mathematical precision..."