My husband and I are going through a lot of troubles right now, going to couples and individual counseling, so this question does not come in a vacuum, but in the context of a lot of pain over the years, where he feels I have turned him down for sex constantly and I feel like he has always been disappointed and unimpressed by me (in the bedroom and out). For a long time, I haven't ever desired sex with him, although once we get into it I do enjoy it. I thought I just didn't have a good sex drive, but a few years ago I had an affair, and was constantly excited, thinking about sex and probably would have had sex every day if we could have seen each other that often. As compared to let's say once every 2-3 weeks in the past with my husband. Anyway, the affair is long over and the last year has seen increasing troubles between us and my husband wants, among other things, more sex. I have begun initiating more and trying to ensure we do it at least 2-3 times per week, which is tough when you are going through so many problems, but you know, trying to build intimacy and closeness.
It's hard to articulate exactly what I feel around him wrt sex, but it's something akin to embarrassment and shame. He has in the past said things during or after sex that have been insulting or deriding. Although I have to admit that has only been a handful of times over a decade, it has been very painful and sticks with me. I always feel like I am not doing a good job, and he is trying to mold me to be like someone else. This is particularly hard because I know I am not bad at sex in general and I remember fondly having sex with my affair-partner and, after falling exhausted on the bed, breathing hard, he said, "You're really good at this." My husband would never imagine I'd be capable, I'm sure.
So obviously, that's bad enough, but the thing that's the real sticky issue right now is he wants me to be more submissive because he likes "telling me what to do" and he hopes I would want to do that because it pleases him. I would like to please him, but I've never been submissive, in or out of the bedroom. After reading 50 Shades of Grey together, he wants me to be sort of like that and can't understand why I don't feel comfortable with it. Whereas I just find most of that humiliating (crouching in a corner for hours, having to address Grey as sir, etc) or ridiculous (I am not a 22 year old virgin and he is, unfortunately, not going to reveal a whole new world to me because I've never even kissed a guy). One of the key things is, and I tried to explain this to him to no avail, is that being ordered around sounds to me like someone is annoyed, frustrated and disappointed at me. For instance, for someone at work (I'm a lawyer) to say, "Do this. Bring it to me" would not go over. I'd be like, can I get a please? Someone ordering it short, clipped sentences in a stern voice is what someone does (in my mind) when they have already asked you nicely a couple of times, attempted to make clear what they are asking for and you are still so ****ing incompetent that they are completely out of patience. So being addressed like this in the bedroom obviously has negative connotations for me. It's true I am quite a goody-two shoes, always following rules and direction, so to have ever had someone address me like that is a personal failure that I would obsess over for a long time.
For others that wouldn't tolerate it outside the bedroom, how does it feel differently, or do you disassociate it from that feeling in the bedroom? At this time, he does order me around and I do whatever he says without a word and promptly (and usually I am not facing him, but I don't roll my eyes or anything regardless) but that isn't good enough. He wants to order me around more, whereas so far it has mostly consisted of telling me to turn over or get my vibrator and play with myself. These aren't really "orders" in my mind, even though it does turn me off a bit, the voice he uses to say it. So I know he wants much more serious ordering, although I don't know what it would consist of. And even if I felt neutral and not ashamed and guilty when he used that voice and language, I wouldn't know how to act. Isn't just doing what he "asks" good enough? He won't tell me what he expects, he just wants it to be natural, and the only other time I have seen this type of thing is in pornography which is so fake that I really don't think I can make that my role model.
Initially I worried that he wanted to order me around and make me submissive because he really wanted our roles to be much more traditional, as in the husband has the final say on everything, and the wife is just meant to facilitate his goals and desires in life, etc. But he has explained that it is more about the fact that giving up control to him because I want to please him would make him feel special and turned on. So I get that. But obviously it is a bad situation that one major thing that turns him on and pleases him is something that makes me feel like I am an incompetent piece of ****.
Because I do want him to be pleased and happy, I am looking for perspectives on how this can be a good thing and how I can eliminate my negative reaction to that kind of language and tone, at least in the bedroom. I know there are probably some people that naturally enjoy this kind of thing, and haven't ever felt like I do (or maybe not so extreme but at least a little discombobulated), but are there any women that did find this grating or a turn off at first, but have come around to it? What changed it for you?
It's hard to articulate exactly what I feel around him wrt sex, but it's something akin to embarrassment and shame. He has in the past said things during or after sex that have been insulting or deriding. Although I have to admit that has only been a handful of times over a decade, it has been very painful and sticks with me. I always feel like I am not doing a good job, and he is trying to mold me to be like someone else. This is particularly hard because I know I am not bad at sex in general and I remember fondly having sex with my affair-partner and, after falling exhausted on the bed, breathing hard, he said, "You're really good at this." My husband would never imagine I'd be capable, I'm sure.
So obviously, that's bad enough, but the thing that's the real sticky issue right now is he wants me to be more submissive because he likes "telling me what to do" and he hopes I would want to do that because it pleases him. I would like to please him, but I've never been submissive, in or out of the bedroom. After reading 50 Shades of Grey together, he wants me to be sort of like that and can't understand why I don't feel comfortable with it. Whereas I just find most of that humiliating (crouching in a corner for hours, having to address Grey as sir, etc) or ridiculous (I am not a 22 year old virgin and he is, unfortunately, not going to reveal a whole new world to me because I've never even kissed a guy). One of the key things is, and I tried to explain this to him to no avail, is that being ordered around sounds to me like someone is annoyed, frustrated and disappointed at me. For instance, for someone at work (I'm a lawyer) to say, "Do this. Bring it to me" would not go over. I'd be like, can I get a please? Someone ordering it short, clipped sentences in a stern voice is what someone does (in my mind) when they have already asked you nicely a couple of times, attempted to make clear what they are asking for and you are still so ****ing incompetent that they are completely out of patience. So being addressed like this in the bedroom obviously has negative connotations for me. It's true I am quite a goody-two shoes, always following rules and direction, so to have ever had someone address me like that is a personal failure that I would obsess over for a long time.
For others that wouldn't tolerate it outside the bedroom, how does it feel differently, or do you disassociate it from that feeling in the bedroom? At this time, he does order me around and I do whatever he says without a word and promptly (and usually I am not facing him, but I don't roll my eyes or anything regardless) but that isn't good enough. He wants to order me around more, whereas so far it has mostly consisted of telling me to turn over or get my vibrator and play with myself. These aren't really "orders" in my mind, even though it does turn me off a bit, the voice he uses to say it. So I know he wants much more serious ordering, although I don't know what it would consist of. And even if I felt neutral and not ashamed and guilty when he used that voice and language, I wouldn't know how to act. Isn't just doing what he "asks" good enough? He won't tell me what he expects, he just wants it to be natural, and the only other time I have seen this type of thing is in pornography which is so fake that I really don't think I can make that my role model.
Initially I worried that he wanted to order me around and make me submissive because he really wanted our roles to be much more traditional, as in the husband has the final say on everything, and the wife is just meant to facilitate his goals and desires in life, etc. But he has explained that it is more about the fact that giving up control to him because I want to please him would make him feel special and turned on. So I get that. But obviously it is a bad situation that one major thing that turns him on and pleases him is something that makes me feel like I am an incompetent piece of ****.
Because I do want him to be pleased and happy, I am looking for perspectives on how this can be a good thing and how I can eliminate my negative reaction to that kind of language and tone, at least in the bedroom. I know there are probably some people that naturally enjoy this kind of thing, and haven't ever felt like I do (or maybe not so extreme but at least a little discombobulated), but are there any women that did find this grating or a turn off at first, but have come around to it? What changed it for you?
Get The Newsletter
Comment