[DreamP346]

She is still trying to control the tempo, which kinda makes me laugh when I think about it because she always tried to lead when we would slow dance too. I wonder is this is because she needs to be in control or is it simply that she doesn't slow down and think while she is doing it?

Hmm. Maybe she would like a little powerplay. Have you ever talked to her about it. People who are very authoratative in daily life like being dominated. Or she may be trying to control whatever she can in a world that is beyond her control most of the time. Maybe she would like you to "force" her (all consentual of course) or maybe she would like to play at being a dominatrix. Worth exploring.

[Hugo-B]

She genuinely cares for her friends and will go out of her way for them. In fact, she has admitted several times that she gives more of herself to them then she does to me, and each time said she needs to work on that. She is sensible, but not always logical. However, she generally doesn't worry much. She really doesn't care what other people think. She is care free and fun loving, especially with friends. I never met her mother because she died when my wife was a teenager, but I sense from talking with her father when he was alive that she was a handful too.

Do I ever beg for sex? Not in a pitiful way no. I will try to persuade her, and let her know how much I want to make love to her, but I don't beg out of desperation or throw a tantrum if that is what you mean.

I have never sensed her getting enjoyment from withholding or controlling me with sex. I honestly think that she keeps herself busy checking things off her todo list, and sex just isn't on the list. I've tried to be funny and add it to her list a few times over the years, and she just scratches it out, and makes no comment. I walk the dogs during the week. She walks the dogs twice a day on the weekend, and as much as an hour each time, and then tells me she is too tired or doesnt have the energy for sex. If that isn't the excuse, then it is too early or too late in the day.

I've offered numerous times to take anything off her list, but she says "you are busy too." In fact, I recently told her I was going to take everything off her list for one month so she could relax and have the energy for us to be together as a couple, but she didn't like that idea. Thought it was foolish. She knows me well enough that I would kept my word even if it meant I was grocery shopping at 2am. I can function when I'm exhausted whereas she cannot.

I work 50 or more hours per week; she works part-time outside the house. We have had two ladies clean our house for at least the last 12 years. I generally taxi the kids to/from practice and work, attend parent orientations at school, take the kids to the doctor, dentist and orthodontist. I send her to the spa so she can relax and unwind. She gets her nails and hair done routinely.

One problem as I see it that I fall much lower on her list below religion, kids, dogs, friends, work, volunteering, watching TV and reading. I'm not asking her to put me before God or even the kids at the moment, but I have told her that in a few years the kids will start a life of there own, and if we don't have a strong relationship, we may not be together much longer after that commitment has been filled. She agrees and makes promises to work on us and to change, but even though I try to hold her accountable, she doesn't make good on those promises.

I ask this because I was wondering whether she was kind of repressed by her own sensibility and perhaps even derived some kind of erotic pleasure from a deep rooted sadistic streak. Many people are repressed by their desire to conform, not stand out or look stupid, and to generally do what they think is the right thing, as opposed to what they want to do. And, you never know, being selfish could turn your wife on - you say she gets very wet and has powerful orgasms when you have sex - she's obviously enjoying something.

Occasionally my ex would treat me by giving me loads of oral and then when I was inside her say, "go on, be selfish" and instruct me to cum as quickly as I could. I won't lie, it felt good and I'd be sure to make it up to her. I can remember my first GF would sometimes make me pleasure her with oral or my fingers and then just roll over and go to sleep, leaving me frustrated, it's a power/control thing. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have got us into S&M role playing.

If this is the case, then maybe her religious values have played a part in her repressing sexual desire. Was she religious before you two met, during the time you said she was promiscuous?

[JonDoe]

Hmm. Maybe she would like a little powerplay. Have you ever talked to her about it. People who are very authoratative in daily life like being dominated. Or she may be trying to control whatever she can in a world that is beyond her control most of the time. Maybe she would like you to "force" her (all consentual of course) or maybe she would like to play at being a dominatrix. Worth exploring.

I will be more than happy to explore this more. Obviously, consensual, but doubtful she would talk about it. I jokingly sent her a few texts the other day saying that I was going to have to spank her when she got home. She texted me back simply saying "goofball" and "funny". When I texted her back saying "I didn't hear any objections, thus I will assume you are eager" there was no further response. This could mean she thought the joke was played out, or a non-response could mean just the opposite, or she simply got a few texts from her girl-friends and didn't see my last text. Nothing more happened from there.

A few weeks ago, I gave her a full body massage, and well before I could finish she opened her legs and positioned her body to give me full access to give her a happy ending. I continued to massage her until I had tended to every inch of her body before slowly working towards what she so desired. What followed was incredible for her, and I enjoyed it very much too. Afterwards, she said "I could be your sex slave" with a laugh, but kinda played it off when I seemed eager to discuss it later. She is reading the "50 Shades" trilogy, so perhaps she is willing to experiment, or perhaps she simply went there in her mind while I pleasured her.

The dominatrix idea is interesting, not sure how I'd feel about it, but would be willing to find out. However, that would mean she would have to take full control. Why would someone act the exact opposite of what they desire? I know for certain that she wouldn't be into the humiliating side of it though and neither would I.

[JonDoe]

I ask this because I was wondering whether she was kind of repressed by her own sensibility and perhaps even derived some kind of erotic pleasure from a deep rooted sadistic streak. Many people are repressed by their desire to conform, not stand out or look stupid, and to generally do what they think is the right thing, as opposed to what they want to do. And, you never know, being selfish could turn your wife on - you say she gets very wet and has powerful orgasms when you have sex - she's obviously enjoying something.

Occasionally my ex would treat me by giving me loads of oral and then when I was inside her say, "go on, be selfish" and instruct me to cum as quickly as I could. I won't lie, it felt good and I'd be sure to make it up to her. I can remember my first GF would sometimes make me pleasure her with oral or my fingers and then just roll over and go to sleep, leaving me frustrated, it's a power/control thing. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have got us into S&M role playing.

If this is the case, then maybe her religious values have played a part in her repressing sexual desire. Was she religious before you two met, during the time you said she was promiscuous?

I honestly don't think that she derives any pleasure from withholding sex, but perhaps I am more naive then I realize. She may very well want me to be more dominate in the bedroom, perhaps forceful even

She gets incredibly wet and turned on from me giving her oral and simulating her clitoris, nipples, vagina and anus all at the same time. Interestingly, all of which she wasn't opened to for the first half of our marriage.

It is interesting that you mention about "not standing out and looking stupid. She likes to be a little different, not wildly, but a little, just enough to feel unique. She does seem to be nervous about looking or sounding stupid from time to time. I noticed that sometimes when she speaks, she has one hand slightly covering her mouth. Once or twice, I asked her afterwards when we were alone if she was nervous about something, but she didn't realize she was doing it. I haven't noticed lately, but then again I probably haven't been as observant lately. She has commentd a few times years ago that she thought I was making fun of her or that I think she is stupid, which I naturally tried to assure her was definitely not the case. Thinking way back to our early marriage before kids, after I asked why she didn't give me oral, she said she hadn't really done it much much and probably need practice. Naturally, I was eager to guide her and let her practice on me whenever and whereever she pleased, but that never really happened. Wow, can't believe I forgot about that until reading your post and reflecting.

She had a religious upbringing, but not overly religious or controlling or anything. Then she stayed away from the church for many years, until about 12 years ago. She say she puts God first, which I am OK with as long as we have a healthy and happy marriage. I believe her mother may have made her think sex was dirty. Her mother was dying of cancer when she was in her early teens and would tell her that boys just want to get in your pants and that sort of thing.

[Ahryin]

ok I only have a few moments and I am not trying to be the straight forward heartless woman...but I have to. You are rewarding selfish behavior. You have conversations, nothing changes you go back to the loving doting husband and move on. Everything seems to be coming from you but not once have I read something that she really attempted to change. I believe she really needs to see a therapist because something is going on in her mind. If I had a husband that was willing to do half the things you are I would be blessed! Most women would be blessed because the way i'm reading it they just don't make them like you anymore...lol You are straight out of a 50's magazine..in a good way that is. Some women just don't know what they have until they are gone...though...she may just not be happy with herself, if its something that has to do with her..you CANNOT fix it...I understand you love her I understand you want no one but her...but
SHE is the ONLY one who can fix this. Granted venting on here may help you cope but it's not a fix. Please take her to see a sex therapist..put your foot down and demand something for once..something that can help both of you. She obviously doesn't care to much about your happiness while you are caring way to much for her. Maybe instead of trying to please her you should just please yourself go for the gusto "no orgasm for her" a couple times...STOP going above and beyond..do the bare necessites around the house and why do you have a maid??? Listen I am a single mother of two I own a radio show, I co host another radio show I work at a financial firm as a fraud analyst and my two daughters are blessed and loved..I clean my own house I cook their meals do their hair do ALL the shopping and still please the person I am intimate with ...no it's not easy but I would LOVE help...yet even when i'm tired I'm down for the get down! LOL once again i'm not a nice person some time. I would send my kids away for the weekend and play NOTHING but porno on each and every TV..different kind of porno I would walk around the house naked take her car keys hide ALL HER SHOES and her CELL PHONE then not touch her..wouldn't speak to her...and tell her you want me to talk to you...**************** me then I will speak to you ..lol then again i'm not nice

[Hugo-B]

^^^What an outspoken and confident woman!

[Hugo-B]

Hmm. Maybe she would like a little powerplay. Have you ever talked to her about it. People who are very authoratative in daily life like being dominated. Or she may be trying to control whatever she can in a world that is beyond her control most of the time. Maybe she would like you to "force" her (all consentual of course) or maybe she would like to play at being a dominatrix. Worth exploring.

I agree with this, my money is on there being a repressed 'sexual firecracker' of a woman buried in there somewhere...

[JonDoe]

Let me start by saying I genuniely appreciate the feedback, comments and advice. Just expressing myself on this forum is therapy in and of itself, but having others take the time to read my ramblings and offer thoughtful comments is a real gift.

The boys were out for the night and my wife went to happy hour with some close girl friends at a friends house. When she came home I had music playing, had a cold glass of wine waiting, light a dozen candles in the bedroom. We sat, she talked about her day, let her unwind. Then she said "It looks like you have something planned. What surprises do you have in store tonight." I walked over, stood behind her at the kitchen counter, rubbed her shoulders, and then leaned in close and whispered the following in her ear "You were texting while driving again, I should spank you." (side note, she was using hands free, so no laws were broken and no lives in danger.) We had fun with it for a moment or two, then I asked if she would like to be spanked and she said "I think I could enjoy a few good whacks on the ***!" Then she said to give her a few minutes to get into something sexy.

My heart is pounding, my mind is racing. Is this really happening? Have I missed all the clues for so long? Is the book opening her mind to new possibilities? OK, get ahold of yourself. Calm and in control. Then I go into the bedroom, she looks hot! Tiny black and white lacy thong, matching bra, heels and a smile. OH YEAH!!! Sproing!!!

Without saying a word, I place a chair next to the bed and started to bend her over my lap. Then she asks "What are you doing?" in a puzzled tone, and I tell her that I'm going to spank her and then make love to her. She said "What? Your definitely not going to spank me. Where did you come up with that crazy idea?" Was she testing my resolve? I didn't think so. I reminded her what we talked about in the kitchen, the fact that she was so turned on by the book, etc. "No, I don't want to be spanked. Are you reading the book?" as if it was an invasion of privacy. I told her I wasn't reading the book, she told me a little about it, and I read about the book online.

Time for plan B. So I say "OK, then perhaps you want to be in control tonight. Show me what you plan to do with me." She mentions that she thought I was going to give her a massage, but I tell her that is on the menu for Sunday. She gives me a puzzled look, then reaches for the lube, but I guide her to go down on me first. As I do, she resists and rolls her eyes, like "I'm not giving you a BJ." then she tells me I'm expecting too much from her. Within seconds, she is agitated, arguing, etc. She clearly had her mind set on getting a back rub, another powerful orgasm, not on pleasuring me first.

The discussion went south from there. She said she was bending over backwards trying to make a change and that is not good enough for me. She was cursing and yelling, down right mad, which then turned to tears and back again. WTF? Who flipped the switch?

Turns out that when she said she wanted us to go to the adult toy store some day, and I surprised her a few days later with the vibrator, she somehow thought that was all about me. Not to use on me, but that would bring me pleasure. As if she was going out of her way to please me, and I had not been the one to listen to her and take the initiative. She even asked me to get the vibrator then next time we had sex. Wow! I'm more confused now then ever.

So I asked her if it was possible that she had some aversion to BJs. She barked back saying "No, I don't have an aversion to, BJs, hand jobs or dildos." Dildos? Who said anything about dildos? She was referring to the vibrator. This is clearly not a good time to educate her on the difference. Then I asked her why I'm not the lucky recipient of such a wonderful gift from my lover? More anger and emotion, but no answer.

Strangely enough, the more calm I stayed, the angrier she seemed to get. But when I barked back at her and said "I'm not going to allow you to talk to me like that" or "I'm not going to be standing here in a year having a similar discussion", the less angry she became; however

Well, tonight backfired and set us back quite a bit. This women, this relationship is a tough nut to crack. Do I have the mental fortitude to pick up the pieces and

[Hugo-B]

Ahhh man, when I was reading the first couple of paragraphs I was hoping that post was going to be a 'Fifty shades of Jon Doe' LOL.

Oh well, lets break this mo' fo' down...

You did good up to the lacy thing bit, she obviously wanted something!

Jon, no offense, I think you need to/work on with a view to improve two things here:

1) STAND UP to your wife, Women cannot respect men who do not stand up to them and say 'NO'. She needs to understand that 'no', means 'NO'. Being a ***** does not get you *****, no offense. You two sound a little old fashioned (which is GOOD) so be sure to assume the archetypical role of the man, at least when it comes to sex and wear the trousers, at least when it comes to the bedroom and arguments like this. I think she's testing you...

2) You sound a lot like me when I was younger - you're too much of a nice guy for your own good. I can promise you that the situation you're currently in with your wife will not be improved by simply being nice to her, and patiently waiting for her to change of her own accord. I still maintain there is one seriously kinky woman locked up in there someone, so lets try and bust her out.
It took me a long time to work this out, and even longer before I got it right, but one thing I can tell you is that when it comes to anything BDSM related the person in the lead needs to be 100% confident - emotions are infectious - and no one follows a leader who is unsure of themselves. Women can smell two things a mile off - and both send them running for the hills - FEAR and DESPERATION. Lose any traces of them both, now.
Now I don't blame you for not being confident here - you were in unchartered-territory and had no idea how she would react - not to mention you were worried about her thinking you were going to 'force her' if you didn't stop, I don't think you should have been though - don't get me wrong - no means no, and stop means stop, but this is kinky sex with your wife we're talking about, and she said neither.

Armed with what little information I have I think she would have let you spank her, if she wanted you to stop she would have simply said: STOP. A meek "what are you doing?" means 'ruin me, but I want to play sweet and innocent like I have no idea what's happening so I don't feel ****ty now or after'. The point of this is to take control from them so they don't have to feel emotionally responsible or accountable for what happened. Women love to feel like things 'just happened'.

I would recommend waiting for the next opportunity and building up to it more slowly, maybe just start by pinning her down on the bed and kissing her then gauge her response and go from there. I think in the instance above you could have had a big fight and hot make up sex, I think she'd have liked that.

I have to go to the gym now but my advice for next time is at LEAST stand up for yourself. If she wont do what you want then tell her firmly she's sleeping on the sofa. I think she'd like some healthy jealously and fire from you. Make her feel like a teenager who's arguing with her first jealous and fiery BF, give her a good loud argument, let her get emotive, stand up to her, stir up those emotions, and then bingo! Drag her into your cave, neanderthal style for steamy make up sex, and don't stop until she taps out!

[JonDoe]

Ahhh man, when I was reading the first couple of paragraphs I was hoping that post was going to be a 'Fifty shades of Jon Doe' LOL.

Yeah, I intentionally wrote the post that way, as it played out. I was convinced last night was going to be great, one way or another too, with or without the spanking.

1) STAND UP to your wife, Women cannot respect men who do not stand up to them and say 'NO'. She needs to understand that 'no', means 'NO'. Being a ************************************************** ****************************** does not get you ************************************************** ******************************, no offense. You two sound a little old fashioned (which is GOOD) so be sure to assume the archetypical role of the man, at least when it comes to sex and wear the trousers, at least when it comes to the bedroom and arguments like this. I think she's testing you...

I don't think she is testing me. She has a warped view of our relationship. She believes that she is bending over backwards (her words) for me right now, and it's never enough for me. Again, she thought the vibrator was all about me, the pleasure I should get from using it on her. Sure, I can get pleasure from almost anything if it turns her on and gives her pleasure. And that is one of my biggest issues with her, she doesn't concern herself with my pleasure. Penis in vagina once a month should be good enough for me.

I stand up to her all the time, which turns into an argument, which turns into her crying and us not talking much for a few days. Never any make-up sex though. I find it best to steer clear of the potential for confrontation when reasonablly possible, which makes for a less stressful life. Not by giving her everything she wants, by simply avoiding certain situations. She is headstrong in general and self-centered in our relationship. Her brother is just like her when it comes to being selfish, it's all about him. She knows this about herself and admits it, and -- hear comes the broken record -- says she is working on it.

I think actions speak louder then words, so these things that I mention that I am doing is because I am working on changing too. Years went by where we didn't even exchange gifts on birthdays and holidays. I'd always get her a card, but not always a gift, and she did the same. Last year for XMAS she bought me a $8 acrylic salt and pepper shaker combo. Seriously, that was it. Whereas I made an real effort, even took the boys shopping for mom too, which should be how it always is, but it hasn't been that way for us for quite sometime. I spoke to her about it before the holiday season, said that we need to at least take the boys shopping for mom and dad. I held up my end of the agreement, which made me feel good, and I stick by that decision regardless of what she did or didn't do. And I'll do it again this year for my boys, they need to see how a man treats a women, and vice versa.

2) You sound a lot like me when I was younger - you're too much of a nice guy for your own good. I can promise you that the situation you're currently in with your wife will not be improved by simply being nice to her, and patiently waiting for her to change of her own accord. I still maintain there is one seriously kinky woman locked up in there someone, so lets try and bust her out.
It took me a long time to work this out, and even longer before I got it right, but one thing I can tell you is that when it comes to anything BDSM related the person in the lead needs to be 100% confident - emotions are infectious - and no one follows a leader who is unsure of themselves. Women can smell two things a mile off - and both send them running for the hills - FEAR and DESPERATION. Lose any traces of them both, now.

Yeah, I agree that I am too much of a nice guy for my own good. I also agree the situation will not be improved if I patiently wait for her to change, and I made it crystal clear to her that I am not waiting around another year for things to change. We either move forward together or apart, which is it? She choose to move forward together, which is my first choice as well. Again, actions speak louder than words, either put up or shut up and stand aside.

I'm working on me as much as I am working on us. I need this, I want this and I am going for it, and no one is going to stand in my way!