[littlekitkat]

I'm in my first (real) relationship, and it's been wonderful. We talk a lot, share a lot of the same interests and he really understands me. Recently, we've been discussing sex and when it would be a good time to take that step. I did tell him I'm a virgin and that didn't change anything except that he wanted to make sure I was okay when we did take that step. I do have some questions like: Is feeling a little anxious normal? What will I expect? What steps should I take to make myself a little more comfortable? Any tips? (He's the more experienced partner in this and it does intimidate me a bit, even though he doesn't care that I don't have any experience.

Thanks in advance.

[Element]

I never viewed sex, or a first time, as something unimportant or something to "just get over with". It can be "eh", a regret, or absolutely wonderful. The most important factor is to have very strong feelings for one another, possibly love one another, and know there is a future between you two. Communication is the utmost important factor. To know whom he has been with, if there is any question of being "clean", then ask him to get tested. There are a lot of STD's out there and people aren't forth coming of it and the "signs" with many aren't always visible.

You two will need to talk about how you two would proceed with it, what he has learned from being with other people. This is really important so you two will be on the same page about how the night will go. And you will know what kind of a man he is, where his experience is, and how he thinks of your well being as well as your pleasure. It's a good way to know if he's a selfish lover.

For a woman, you have to take into consideration if your hymen is in tact. Some women bleed (I did, more than I thought I would as well) and some women don't. There is no way, (as far as I know) to know which type of woman you are. The best advice I can give you right before he penetrates is to be relaxed, don't tense the muscles. This goes for after he breaks your hymen as well. For me, it hurt, very much so. But my man knew what he was doing and after he broke my hymen, he didn't move, at all. He let me get past the pain, get accustomed and once I was ready to proceed, I told him so and then he started moving again. He knew what he was doing, he knew how to look out for my well being and he told me all of this before we had sex. He thought of how to take care of me and he followed through with it, that says a lot about him right there.

If he's a good, thoughtful man, then his experience will help you two. But knowing about his sexual past will help you know if his experience is even helpful to you two. I strongly suggest you two keep talking about things, in details, and make decisions from there.

[Sunlight72]

I'll be interested to see what other people write.

[jns]

Element has given you a good answer. Set up things so you are relaxed. Control the mood with music, scents, lighting, playing a movie you like, etc. Make sure he will be gentle. Mentally surrender to the idea of doing this.

[littlekitkat]

Thank you Element. (and everyone!) I really appreciate the advice. I'd like to add that we've already discussed pregnancy and STD's. (In a non sexy setting...in other words, this wasn't while we were in the mood or anything) I told him he's to ALWAYS use protection or nothing was happening. He said he wouldn't have it any other way. He's also been tested (earlier this summer, when things were already starting to move toward that level. Got a full blood work up) and he's fine. Got a full physical as well. I just started birth control.

One night, a couple of months ago, we were messing around. We stopped at his suggestion, right before things got a little too intense. He told me he didn't think we were ready for sex yet, that it was too early and I was too anxious. I'll admit, at first I was a little hurt. But then I realized he was already looking out for my well being. Even while clothes were on he was asking me if I was okay and each step he took he would always make sure I was comfortable. I have cerbeal palsy (mild, but my muscles are always tight) and a rod in my back from scoliosis, so added care is needed. He doesn't know too much about my condition (doesn't say anything about it unless it's to make sure I'm okay), but I remember he was already making sure I was physically comfortable and got a BUNCH of pillows for me. Mind you, I didn't request any of this. So...so far so good? I think so anyway. We've continued talking about that next step since then and we'll continue to do so.

[DreamP346]

The most important factor is to have very strong feelings for one another, possibly love one another, and know there is a future between you two.

This something I disagree with and most like most people will also disagree with me. I don't believe the first time HAS to be with somebody you love or have strong feelings for. What I think is more important is you understand exactly what you are getting into. Many people think sex will take them to the next level in their emotional relationship, bring them closer, prevent the partner from leaving, prove their love, etc. That is not always the case and you need to understand that this is just something else that you will be able to share and enjoy in a relationship.

It may be mind blowing, or it may be weird and uncomfortable. You don't know until you try. But remember, there is nothing wrong with it being weird and feeling clumsy. For most of us, that is what the first time was like. Just be able to laugh it of and try again. Its the experience of trying together something new that is what makes it special.

If you don't love this person or are not looking to be spending the rest of your life with this person, that is fine as well. Just be clear on your feelings with yourself. Don't expect the sex to fill in missing parts in a relationship. Don't think that having sex will bring more commitment in the relationship.

Hope that helps.

[Element]

I was raised to view sex as nothing to just jump into. The facts are, you are revealing all of yourself to this person; you are naked, touching, kissing, you are showing them another side to yourself. You're trusting them to not hurt you, but to give you pleasure, an enjoyable experience, a memory to look upon with a smile. Having feelings for one another makes it all the more special, it's easier to give yourself to someone that you know, trust, respect. Knowing that you have feelings for one another and you know the person; so you know you won't be another notch on their bed post.

[littlekitkat]

This is an interesting discussion, and you've both brought up valid points. I shouldn't look for sex to validate a relationship ever, (and I'm definitely not). Some do view sex as something that can be just fun (and that's fine, to each their own). However, I do lean toward Element's point of view. For me, I'd be comfortable having sex with someone I care about and trust. I don't expect sex to fill in the missing parts of a relationship, but rather, it's another moment in our relationship.

I think that's why I've been so careful at jumping the gun and he's been pretty patient and understanding about it all.