[physicsnerd]

I've only had one sexual partner. I'm in a long-term monogamous relationship and, emotionally, I'm very happy with this relationship.

I like this man, I love this man, we can cuddle and kiss and, whatever else, in an evening, or we can just as easily visit all night. He tells me all the time that one of his favorite aspects of our relationship is the pillow talk.

We both take an interest in tantra and, we've tried a little BDSM (very light) but, I'd say we both have one shortcoming in sex: we are both so analytical that, it's just something we do kind of mechanically. It's a task that's to an end. Neither he nor I are video-gamers but, I'd almost liken our usual sexual activity to playing a video game. There's this constant need to keep doing something, usually the same mechanical pattern, just to accomplish what we think is expected.

Because he is my only sexual partner, I feel like I'm kind of limited to taking cues from him. I can't "show" him any tricks because, I've really only got what he knows how to go along with.

When we do tantra, he follows the books like an instruction manual and, I think it is still a valuable pursuit for us but, I feel like doing tantra so mechanically is almost counter-productive.

So, to give you some background about myself, I'm not really a selfish person but, I have some eccentricities. I exhibit some obsessive compulsive behaviors with cleanliness. And, when I'm trying to engage in an intimate activity with him, it's like, I'm so afraid that I have to keep him interested that, I'm more focused on what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing rather than enjoying or, just feeling, his touch.

All of this has kind of culminated in a few negative responses, on my part, towards intimacy. 1.) I lose my interest in intimacy very quickly. 2.) He can't bring me to orgasm. And, now, it's like he's given up trying. 3.) I can start to get agitated by him very quickly and frequently.

I'm good at holding my temper but, sometimes when he's trying to kiss me, in foreplay, it just aggravates me. And, then, further contact furthers my aggravation.

I'd say it's bringing my sex drive down. I don't like sexual activity when I'm not aroused and, when I start getting agitated it hinders my ability to become aroused. And, getting aroused is a painfully time-consuming process for me.

Currently, I'm not on birth-control so, right now, we don't engage in vaginal/penile intercourse. He's always been very understanding about my personal comfort levels and wants when it comes to sexual activity. And, he was, for a while, very committed to the tantra but, I feel like there's some underlying resentment because I don't feel sexually satisfied. However, I guess I'm not entirely certain that feeling dissatisfied is the only underlying cause of the feelings of aggravation.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Thanks for your time.

[Sunlight72]

Since you ask for thoughts, I'll share mine.

Either I am very confused about what the heck your relationship is about due to the way you have written your post, or you are very confused about what you want and how to get closer to it.

You practice tantra but do not have sex (intercourse)? What does that mean?

Yes, from what you have written, I can't imagine a way to be sexual without it being mechanical.

Why are you so focused on tantra? What do you hope to gain by studying tantra (and I can't really guess what in the world you two are doing that takes so much effort, study, and can be done so wrong by your boyfriend .and .still .not .include .sex ??? Huh??).

Maybe you could explain that all a little more.

Another thought - as I understand it tantra is an advanced sexual practice, and what you both need to do is Stop trying to study / practice advanced anything and just enjoy each other - LightHeartedly

My suggestion - If you have to have a goal, make it your new goal to relax and have fun. Not even considering anything sexual, but don't stop it if it becomes sexual. Be silly. Stop analyzing, just be goofy or do things for no particular reason.

My other suggestion to you in particular - Holy ****! Stop expecting your boyfriend to read your mind and do circus acrobatics (or what ever it is you're lacking) in the sexual field, and then not have sex! Yeesh! Either decide you'll have sex when it spontaneously happens, or take a (temporary or what ever) vow of celibacy which also means everyone's clothes (tops and bottoms) stay on.

Don't do everything that leads to sex and then artificially stop short of sex. Either just be honest and don't start down the foreplay/intimacy route to sex at all, or find a way to be comfortable and light hearted about having sex and have it when it comes up.

You two have made sex such a hugely, impossibly big deal with so many rules and goals that when ever you start enjoying sexual closeness all the fun evaporates and everything gets serious.

Sex should (usually) be fun! Fun! Laugh! Smile Fun

Just my thoughts...

[physicsnerd]

Sunlight72, thank you for your reply.

Well, maybe I should have emphasized that tantra is something we do but, it's not the only thing we do. Tantra came up as an intimate practice at one point and, we both tried to learn more about it then, we decided it was something we wanted to explore. Not all of our sexual encounters are tantric and, I would go so far as to say only very few of them are. But, tantra is not all about sex. Yes, the focus is primarily sex however, a lot of it includes the intimacy that usually leads to or follows sex but, it doesn't always have to include intercourse.

We have had sex. It's not like we haven't had a full intercourse sexual relationship. It's just, right now I have stopped taking birth control so, we pursue alternate sexual activities. And, truthfully, we haven't used tantra since I've been off birth control. I'd say our activities now are equally a part of the "sexual" aspect of our relationship, even though they don't include vaginal intercourse.

I didn't mean to imply that he was doing it so wrong. I was trying to characterize our approach to sex. We both are so mechanical that we could write a textbook on our sexual encounters because we do it all point by point. We were looking for things to try so, with the book from which he was reading, he had suggestions to follow and he took no liberties with them because of the order in which they were presented in the book. He read it like a manual. He is mechanical. I am mechanical.

But, I guess, perhaps, I shouldn't have included so much background information.

I guess what I had hoped to more effectively get at was the following:

I am happy in every aspect of my relationship except the sexual aspect.
I am not satisfied in the sexual aspect and I'm frustrated from being dissatisfied.
The conclusion I keep coming to is that we both are too mechanical in our sexual approach.
We talk about what we want and what we like and don't like, sexually speaking, to the point that it is exhausting, however:
we try to implement changes that would accommodate likes and dislikes but, we do so very mechanically.

So, here recently, I've found that my attention span when it comes to sex is very short and, I am very quick to become agitated by his attempts at intimacy. I don't take it out on him, it's not something that creates confrontation, it just kills my desire to have sex, or do things of a sexual nature and, it inhibits my ability to become aroused.

[physicsnerd]

Perhaps mentioning that I've only had one sexual partner would lead people to believe that I'm considerably younger than what I am? My boyfriend and I are both college graduate students.

[jns]

With foreplay, it is often one person giving and the other receiving. If foreplay is done right, the roles are reversed every so often so each person gets their share. The person who is giving is supposed to be a sensitive and good giver. The person receiving should be a grateful receiver. They should try to get into what they are given. None of this precludes taking proper instruction from the other if something can be done better. Try to become better at receiving.

Mechanical in characteristic would probably lead him to believe that rubbing this or licking that x number of times should have result y. Things don't work that way. A better approach is to have foreplay when you are both in a dreamy state. Then he loses track of numbers and continues until you respond. At the same time, he shouldn't be doing stuff too hard, because that is not what dreaming is about.

[physicsnerd]

Wow! Thank you, jns.

That's a very helpful suggestion. I mean, maybe it should have been more obvious but, at least, the way you put it, that makes a lot of sense.

Thank you, again.

[JanieMarie]

The fact that you've tried Tantra and a little BDSM is a very good sign that you two have the ability to adapt and experiment (as a good scientist does) to find out what will eventually work for you.

I would say the first thing to do would be to take some time to figure out your own body, sexuality, turn-ons and fantasies. Figure out how to bring yourself to orgasm (if you haven't already). Invest in some high quality toys, some erotic fiction, perhaps some erotic movies from the female-friendly section. After all, he'll never know how to please you if you don't know yourself and are unable to guide him.

At some point you can start bringing this new knowledge into the bedroom. I would suggest mutual masturbation to start with. Turn the lights down, lay or sit near each other so you are touching a little, conjure up that hot mental fantasy you read about... but then bring yourselves to orgasm instead of trying to bring each other there. As you get more comfortable you can start showing him how to work the Hitachi or how to stroke you the way you like it. Don't have him touch you until you've gotten yourself warmed up first or you'll just anxious again. (See Viktor Frankl's work with women who can't orgasm.)

It will take a long time and a lot of practice but you'll eventually figure out what makes the other tick.

[ItsASecret]

I am very analytical, very mechanical, very scientific about things and sometimes I have a hard time shutting that part of me off because that is just who I am in my thinking and daily life. However I have noticed it does not mix well with sex. I end up analyzing a situation when I should not, kinda like well that touch did not result in am immediate response so move onto the next thing rather than trying it longer or I know I will not like that position because x,y,z and that will result in pain and hence I will not entertain the idea of it. This might sound odd but what I try to do during sex is to adopt an "artsy" side in order to have that scientist in me shut off lol. I do not mean to offend anyone by saying artsy but what I mean is the letting things happen as they may, allow the emotions to occur, laugh and giggle without thinking about the response that should happen in such a mechanical way I guess you can say. Being so analytical we sometimes lack that artsy free spirit type side to us and it is that side which is needed in sex.

[LilahX]

For something out of left field, if you find you get p'd off with attempts at foreplayand worry yr both becoming mechanical why not do away with foreplay for once and at a time when you yourself are in the mood just push him down on the bed, or sofa or floor, undo his pants and seduce him with yr mouth then have yr wicked way with him. Sometimes just pure animal lust can be so much fun and snuggling afterwards gives you the intimacy as well. Just a thought.

[DreamP346]

I have an analytical mind as well and I use it to get me off. I know the biology of each sexual response and I sometimes image all of these event happening and contribute to them happening. I can image the blood flowing to my organs, plotting where I am on the orgasm chart, etc. It actually often helps me focus on my own pleasure then all the other stuff that is going on.

And there are other times a drink helps stop all rational thinking