[Ladystark]

Let me start by saying I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, a form of it called Purely Obsessional.

Now, I'm a straight woman, in the past I figured I was bi-sexual and was perfectly only with this because I had a "girl crush" on an old friend of mine. I even did something I know a few people try in their life-time and that was experiment with her, it was nothing more then kissing, and breast groping and grinding and such. Nothing below the waist and we hardly ever not naked, hell our shirts weren't even off. I've also had a thing for watching lesbian porn but then I read this is normal for a lot of women who are straight.

This experience was my first sexual experience and I did it for a year with her until we stopped being friends during a fight. I've had some same-sex fantasies. But besides this girl I never really thought of doing anything with a woman and could perfectly judge a woman by her looks and such and always just say "I wish I was a pretty as she was"

I have a boyfriend, but we haven't had sex yet. We've kissed, groped and pleasured each other without having full sex yet.

My OCD does effect me and make me wonder if the things I've done and what not make me gay when in the past I've always only had crushes on guys since I was young, I pictured myself with a man, when I dress up I do it for male attention, I get shy around men. I wondered in the past even with my boyfriend what it would be like to be with another man when he was nice to me.

When I picture marriage I picture it with a man. I can fantanize about sex but that's it anything else with a woman no but it wracks my brain and hurts and confuses me.

The last years of my life, I've been attracted to mainly men, medium built, long haired or curly, I love beards on men like the one my boyfriend has. How could this make me gay?

I'm scared of what I will think during sex because I have a problem feeling pleasure through penetration. Also I don't find penises attractive.

When I fantasize it's more about what can be done to me, I can't picture ever going down on a woman. On a man I've pictured going down on and can enjoy having straight fantasies as well.

If it weren't for my OCD I wouldn't worry about this but I do and it doesn't leave my mind. It even brings up the times I was uncomfortable with my boyfriend although these were all in public places like a park and us laying on a blanket and he rolled ontop just to kiss me I felt uncomfortable because I dont like people looking.

What is normal and what isn't...

I try reading stories about lesbians and if they always knew and some say they didnt unlike gay men ugh!

[Ladystark]

Also another thing when I was a child. I remembered having a shower with another girl my mother babysat. It was just to spare time along, and I told her "It's okay for girls to kiss because we're all family all humans are" and this confuses me about my sexuality as well. Even though I know alot of straight women who give their friends simple kisses

[DreamP346]

First of all, there is no requirement to define yourself. Sexuality is fluid and can change with time and circumstances. A person may have zero attraction, desire or fantasy of the opposite sex, but may fall in love with that one special person who is the same gender. Its a fact that there are more older women who spend their earlier lives in heterosexual relationships, but get into same gender relationships when they are older. It can be that they are just more comfortable with their sexuality, they don't feel like they have to live up to a social norm, develop attractions that they did not previously have, etc.

But I understand the desire to define oneself, especially if you are trying to discover your own attractions. So let me put it in term of social scientists. Kinsey came up with a great scale from 0 to 6. 6 is that you are strictly only attracted to people of your own gender. 0 is the other send of the spectrum. In reality, most people fall somewhere in between 0 and 6. For example, I identify as 1 because all my desires and fantasies are about men. I am not attracted to women at all. However, I am not opposed to being with a woman and would be quite open to experimenting. Earlier in my youth I was strictly 0. Maybe as I get older, that will change.

So stop trying to define lesbianism or heterosexuality. Think in terms of attraction and desire. Remember, there is a lot of factors that influence our attractions. The desire to be married with a family is heavily influenced by the environment we grow up in that present it as the norm. Also, there is nothing wrong with experimenting and exploring. You don't have to define yourself and choose a flag to wave your sexuality. Just go with the flow and be open to different things. As long as it feels comfortable and you are not forcing it, don't over analyze things.