[sexualunicorn]

My boyfriend is 26 and I'm 21. We've been together for 3 years, and aside from physical intimacy, we're pretty close. We've been through hell and back together (I was hospitalized twice for depression, but now I'm much better), and tell each other everything. Up until now, it's never bothered me if he went to strip clubs, hung out with his other female friends, or even told me that other women were hot (I'd do the same), because I knew he was in to me and wanted me at the end of the day. And besides, we're monogamous, not dead. Once we started having sex (we fooled around almost constantly before that, and he was my first, though I was not his) a year into our relationship, we would have sex about twice a week. Now, I'm lucky if we have sex more than twice a month, and it's been like that for almost a year. At first, he told me that he was getting older, and that's just how his body was responding, but now we haven't had sex in almost a month and a half. I've tried everything over the past year. I used to put a lot of work into trying to initiate sex--putting on lingerie, buying him flowers, making dinner, cleaning his apartment for him, just going for it on the couch when we were watching a movie, you name it. I also read as much as I could online about getting him interested, and paid close attention to the time and circumstances that would be most likely for him to get turned on. Nothing. He would no have sex unless **he** initiated it, and that was not very often. I just gave up trying. I felt so unsexy and unattractive, and I think that this is when I gained the bulk of my extra weight.

And that's not the only thing that's changed. Over the past--oh, half a year?--he's stopped telling me that I was pretty or looked nice or that I was hot. But he had no problem telling me that he didn't like my hair or make up or clothing. When I finally confronted him about it, he admitted that I had gained a lot of weight, and while he still found me attractive, I wasn't as attractive to him as I used to be. He said that we could get a healthy diet together, and we would both benefit from keeping each other accountable to being healthier. So I adopted a very strict raw vegan diet and I began working out for 20-30 minutes 5 days a week. I've dropped almost 10 pounds in 3 weeks, and he tells me that I'm "pretty" and remarks on my progress now, but still no sex. Once we hit the one month-of-no sex mark (and the last time we had sex was the WORST sex I've ever had), I confronted him again, telling him I was concerned for his health, and I wanted to know if I had done something wrong. He said he just had "no sex drive". I asked him if he didn't want to have sex, or if he just didn't want to have sex with me. He said that he just didn't want sex at all. He said that it doesn't feel good anymore, like he's "not supposed to be touched there". I've done a lot of research, and I can't find anything that sounds like this at all. I asked him to go to the doctor, but he said that he felt emasculated and wanted to try and fix things on his own first.

Since that conversation, he made a remark that a girl on TV was "hot". I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't, but that really stung. He hadn't said that about me in ages, and if he's not interested in sex, why is she "hot"? Why does she get to be "hot" while he hardly even sleeps in the same bed as me when I come over?

I was going to ask him if he'd done any research on "fixing his own problem" yet this weekend, but he's really sick and I don't want to bother him. But I don't think it's even crossed his mind because this has been going on for a YEAR and he hasn't done anything. Worse, he didn't even tell me, and this whole time I've been thinking that it's my fault. I haven't had an orgasm in months, even from masturbating because I can't do anything sexual without thinking about how completely repulsive I must be to him. I don't know if he's avoiding the doctor because he feels emasculated, or if it's because he knows that the doctor can't help him because he's simply not attracted to me anymore.

I've read everything I can about low libido, and I feel like I've tried everything. What do I do?

[Element]

Any chance he's stepping out on you?

It sounds like to me that there is no romance between you two. What's keeping you two together? Is it only that you have been together for a year and it's just comfort?

[DreamP346]

This issue has been brought up several times before on this board. Try doing a search and you will find some really good advice. However, it seems like you've already done a lot of research so it may not be new.

[sexualunicorn]

Any chance he's stepping out on you?

It sounds like to me that there is no romance between you two. What's keeping you two together? Is it only that you have been together for a year and it's just comfort?

Element, I don't know. I brought the idea of breaking up to him once, and he seemed pretty upset about it, so I don't know if he's stepping out. I just don't understand. You'd think that if he didn't want me around anymore, he would be all for breaking up, but he doesn't act like he wants to stay together, either. Last night, though, for the record, he said that my breasts looked good in the shirt I was wearing. That's the closest thing to saying I'm sexy that I've gotten in a while, so maybe he's starting to realize the impact that his lack of sex drive is having on me? I don't know...ugh...

[sexualunicorn]

This issue has been brought up several times before on this board. Try doing a search and you will find some really good advice. However, it seems like you've already done a lot of research so it may not be new.

I've done a couple searches of this board, but I've only found a few posts, mostly by men, but maybe I'm not using the right keywords. Thank you, I'll keep trying.

[DreamP346]

Search in both the sex and the Husband sections. There have been many women with this same problem. Partners who lost interest after being together for a while or never had a high sex drive. Its almost every week somebody posts on this topic. That is why people aren't responding as much. The usual questions people will ask you is if your partner in under stress, any issues in his life, watching porn, masturbating, etc. Open communication. Any ED problem. Smoking, drinking, drugs.

Just look at the bottom on this thread and you will see some similar posts. I don't think most people use the term "libido". Most say "My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me" or something like that. Just peruse throught the old threads.

[J303]

I really hear what you're saying. You're frustrated and starting to feel as though you're investing much more into this issue of your relationship than he is.

I'm right there with you - My guy is the same as as yours, and while I'm not quite as young, I do feel a drop in my sexual urges as well. BUT i dont know if this is an age thing - I'm thinking this has to do with a desire, and an emotional intimacy piece. I have started to notice that maybe with age, sex isn't all about hormones its more about wanting to be close to that person.

I've been reading a book that has been helpful "Intimacy and Desire" by David Snartch (spelling) it maybe helpful for you too!

While I appreciate your boyfriend being open abut the weight gain/loss - I also think its unfair for him to put all that type of pressure on your body

[Harmony]

Read the multi-orgasmic couple. It involves the use of very simple techniques in which the man strengthens his PC muscle and postpones ejaculation for days or weeks at a time (by climaxing without ejaculating at the end of intercourse).

This technique will work for any man regardless of how low his libido is; so say he only feels the 'urge' to ejaculate once a week, by the end of the second week he'll have two weeks worth of 'build-up' inside him and want sex much more frequently.

As a man who has done this (longest I 'lasted' was a week) I can say that is it quite a lot of fun too. Once you see HIM squirming, eager to have his orgasm you may well find the tables have been turned!

Older men may need a full panel of male hormone tests, as low testosterone seems to be a more common occurrence, probably due to all the rubbish in our food.

[MoeJr]

Just a thought and I have encountered it on several occasions with others. Some men when they are getiing down on themselves, know they may have some issues, etc. Use this form of action as a control thing. A ego boost knowing you want to have sex so badly. When in fact you do get to that last straw so to speak, they will give in, have sex, make comments, etc. Maybe try dropping the subject all together for some time, see if he responds. Normally this would make him curious as to the change. By all means in no way, shape or form your fault! Instead focus on you. Maybe get a cpl new pieces of clothing,keep up with the fitness thing. Now don't be going and asking him how the new stuff looks on you just wear it, love, and expect no comment. DO IT FOR YOU! Not to get a reaction. My guess is eventually he will start to ask questions, show interest, assume....he's going to lose you! Which will gain his interest once again. Good Luck girl!