[stressedoutdude]

I have been married to my wife now for 8 years. Two kids,,,,,5 y/o girl and 4 y/o boy. We both are in shape, financially set, and have great jobs. Since day one my wife has been uncomfortable with sex. It doesn't hurt but she is just uncomfortable, shy, or embarrassed. I can have all the sex with her that I want but she essentially a 'dead fish' as she just lays there. This is pushing me away an alarming rate. She thinks that just about anything with sex with us is uncomfortable and embarrassing. However, she has told me that she wishes she could feel the way that other women feel on TV and stuff during sex scenes. She just doesn't know how to do it or where to start.

She is 34 and I am 31. We have been to several counselors before but they clearly were too critical of her and probably made things worse.

I am respectful towards her. I clean the house and fix everything. I am a GREAT father. I cook fantastic meals every day. I do the grocery shopping. I organize the finances. I surprise her with nice things sometimes and make sure to occasionally have a nice date night without the kids. NOTHING helps.

Please help!!!

[DreamP346]

[QUOTE=stressedoutdude;330648] We have been to several counselors before but they clearly were too critical of her and probably made things worse.QUOTE]

Have you been to a sex therapist? The usual therapist, even a couples counselor don't really have the skills to manage sexual issues. Also, therapy takes time - a loooong time. My sex therapy professor takes 4 sessions just to assess a couple. Only after that does she start developing a treatment plan.

There are so many issues that could be going on. The first thing to do is go to a physician who specializes in sexual health and get a complete check-up to make sure there isn't anything physicial wrong. I am guessing previous therapists have already tackled this, but is there a history of sexual abuse? Does she come from a strict religious background that has negative attitudes to sex? Does she have negative attitudes to sex, like its dirty, women's shouldn't enjoy it, etc?

[stressedoutdude]

No, we have not been to a sex therapist. I cannot find one. We live in the Oklahoma City area and the only one I see listed is for a man. Trust me, the therapist needs to be a woman. There is a small history of physical abuse and that has been tackled and I honestly don't think that is the issue. She is definitely not religious at all. She does think that women should enjoy sex but she does think that thinks like masturbation and porn are dirty. She has made attempts to 'let herself go' during sex and it was great but she has only done that 4 or 5 times in 8 years and she said it made her feel uncomfortable.

I do think we should see a sex therapist but I cannot find one.

[DreamP346]

Try the AASECT website. That is the professional association for certified sex therapists. There are 2 women therapists in Oklahoma city.

From the little you have told us, it really does sound like a mental block, not a physical one. That is something a therapist can help with. But remember, they can only help if she truly wants to change. Also, it is a combined process. Even though it may be something your wife is suffering with, the therapy will involve both of you and there will be goals, homework and changes for both of you to undergo.

[Lady Syrinx]

Is she religious? Do you know anything about her family's attitude toward sex? I think these are contributing factors to a lot of mental blocks.

[jns]

I typed [sex therapist Oklahoma City] in Google and got 9 hits on female sex therapists at psychologytoday, all with educational qualifications.

What does your wife do for your family that she can take pride in? Does she take the lead on raising the children? Is she the main breadwinner?