[Ed29]

We've been married 20 years and our sex life is very good. We have sex about 3 to 4 times a week. Used to be a lot more but still good. My wife is very sexy , attractive and open minded about sex acts but I have to introduce them. she is not embarrassed by any thing and willing to do almost everything except she won't dress sexy in bed but that is not a big issue. We are both in good shape and exercise together. She has an orgasm about twice a week at least. OK so much for the back ground. the issue is unless we are actively having sex , she will not talk , read or even think about it and wont' discuss it at all. If I say one thing she doesn't answer and changes the subject. It is really strange coming from a woman who is so sexual in bed. I can't ask her what she likes, what turns her on, what do you want to do sexually , do you have any fantasies, etc. everything we do is something I come up with. We are both near 50 and I'd like to discuss this stuff with her to be able to introduce new things in the bedroom. I'd love for her to take the initiative and have told her this . she says OK I will but it never happens and then can't I bring it up or she changes the subject. I'm at a loss as to what this behavior is and how to get her to openly discuss our sex life. Look I'm a man and I'm having sex so I'm not going to complain. But there is a disconnect here and I'd like to have her take some control over our sex life and be able to at least discuss it.

[JonDoe]

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you. My wife is very similar with regards to talking about sex. If I ask her about fantasies, what turns her on, likes, dislikes, etc she will either change the subject, tell me not to ask questions, or get aggravated. If I tell her what to say to me during sex, she will say it, but she has only recently warmed up to this within the past few months, which may have more to do with reading the 50 Shades trilogy than any coaching I have offered over the years.

I also want my wife to occassionally initiate, but she never does. However, she recently started reading "Becoming Your Spouses Better Half" by Rick Johnson, and is finally starting to get a better idea of what makes me tick. Or so she says. Hopefully, this bring bring about some positive changes in our relationship.

[Ed29]

[QUOTE=JonDoe;330752]Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you. My wife is very similar with regards to talking about sex.

Well , sounds like have the same issue. Hopefully some woman will give their views.

[DreamP346]

I am a sexologist, so I love talking about sex as a topic. Its a lot harder to talk about personal matters of sex though. Maybe try when she is in a good mood, maybe had a glass or two of wine and you are rubbing her back or something like that. Try telling her your fantasies first and then asking her. Or you can get a sex board game that includes sharing of fantasies or commenting on certain behaviors.

[rcoreyus]

Seems pretty common. Even though my wife has over the last year become much more interested and enthusiastic about sex, and open to a quite wide range of activities, she just doesn't want to talk about it. I am happy to try different things and see what she likes, but I worry that I may be missing some things that I would be happy to do if only I knew.

[Benni]

I'm like that -- I don't like to talk out loud about the things you're speaking of BUT if he asks me something or brings up something new, I tell him I'll get back to him very soon about it. Then, when I'm alone, I will take the time to think through the issue/subject matter. Then I write to him explaining my thoughts and ideas and my needs, what I'm willing to do and what I'm not.

I communicate much better with the written word in some instances and he then takes the time to read what I've written. Sometimes a discussion happens then because I've laid out all my cards so to speak. Sometimes we just do the things I've agreed to do without further discussion.

Might not work for everyone but it's worth a try.

[sherrialicia]

Ive opened up A LOT when my husband and I started sexting. He'll usually text me while I'm home and he's at work. It's easier being open when I don't have to speak the dirty things or see his reaction. lol I would ease into it, start by messaging her and asking what's her fantasy.

[Jim60]

Yup - we have a fair sex life, she orgasms mostly and enjoys it, but no interest in sex outside actually doing it. Only time we can talk about it is when we are doing it, even then she'd doesn't really want to as its a distraction from the actual event. Also just doesn't understand the allure of sexy bedroom wear, and that fluffy pyjamas are a bit of a turn off. It's not lack of body confidence, happily wanders around the bedroom naked after weve finished!

[Ed29]

Yup - we have a fair sex life, she orgasms mostly and enjoys it, but no interest in sex outside actually doing it. Only time we can talk about it is when we are doing it, even then she'd doesn't really want to as its a distraction from the actual event. Also just doesn't understand the allure of sexy bedroom wear, and that fluffy pyjamas are a bit of a turn off. It's not lack of body confidence, happily wanders around the bedroom naked after weve finished!

the exact scenario here. Seems like this is fairly more common with women than I thought. I think most women are this way once they are married . Before they are married it's quite different. They don't liketo own up to it on forums like this but a quick survey of men will confirm. It's very much like the joke, Groom when asked why smiling , "I jsut had the best Blow job of my life" his bride when asked why smiling " I just performed the last blow job of my life

[DreamP346]

the exact scenario here. Seems like this is fairly more common with women than I thought. I think most women are this way once they are married . Before they are married it's quite different. They don't liketo own up to it on forums like this but a quick survey of men will confirm. It's very much like the joke, Groom when asked why smiling , "I jsut had the best Blow job of my life" his bride when asked why smiling " I just performed the last blow job of my life

If you want to play on stereotypes then I'm sure it may have something to do with decreased romance, trying, taking care of their appearance, helping around the house, etc from the man's part that may make women inclined to be less receptive to sexual activity after marriage. Its a fact (shown by research, not just one person's biased opinion), men who help around the house get more sex from their partners.

Propogating stereotypes based on gender is not going to help your wife be more receptive to talking about sex. that is the attitude that is sure to shut a women up. As women, we have to battle stereotypes of gender and sexuality everyday. We grow up not learning anything about true sexuality and pleasure, we hear taking control of your sexuality makes you a ****, that women don't really enjoy sex, that all men are after only one thing and that we need to protect ourselves from these sexual maniacs, that you need to be skinny with big breast to be beautiful, etc. We have to overcome all of that, be confident in our sexuality, appreciate our body, learn want true pleasure it about--basically overcome all these barrieres that society surrounds us with. And what do we get in return! A husband complaining that we aren't open to different aspects of sex becasue we are a married woman instead of being understanding, patient and willing to work with us to overcome the social challenges we face everyday in our lives. Maybe that is why your wife doesn't want to talk to you about sex.