[Jim60]

Its a fact (shown by research, not just one person's biased opinion), men who help around the house get more sex from their partners.

Not sure anyone was complaining about lack of sex, but it's good to know I can stop buying all that jewelry and just put in a bit more time with the hoover! (joking)

Seriously, I'm sure my wife doesn't have all those hangups, she's a confident straightforward woman. Just some (not all I'm sure) men and women look at things differently. I'm sure I could force the issue, but there's little point as if we don't both enjoy the talk or sexy underwear or whatever it is, neither of us does.


Was the research published?

[Ed29]

sometimes the facts support a stereo type.that is all I was saying.all stereo types have some basis in truth. that goes for the male and female side. you mentioned in your post being patient and understanding.the basis of my original post was although being patient and understanding, she does not want or can't or has no desire to work with me. Just for your info, I clean some, cook EVERY night, and I'm 5'11" 185 LBS , lift weight 3 days a week and cardio 3 days a week among other qualities a woman would love about a husband. please reread the original post and reply without the one sided attack.

[DreamP346]

sometimes the facts support a stereo type.that is all I was saying.all stereo types have some basis in truth. that goes for the male and female side. you mentioned in your post being patient and understanding.the basis of my original post was although being patient and understanding, she does not want or can't or has no desire to work with me. Just for your info, I clean some, cook EVERY night, and I'm 5'11" 185 LBS , lift weight 3 days a week and cardio 3 days a week among other qualities a woman would love about a husband. please reread the original post and reply without the one sided attack.

You made a generic stereotyped statement about married women. It wasn't targetted to me or your wife. I made a generic stereotyped comment about men and husbands. It appears you may have taken it personally although I did not say that was specifically about you. As you can see, making stereotyped comments can be hurtful, and offensive even though you may have said it as a jest. As a woman and as a wife, I take offense when I hear men make comments such as the one you made. And even though it was a joke, making such comments, especially on a women's forum implies you have a certain attitude regarding women, marriage and sex. That may or may not be true, but that is the perception you are giving. If your belief is that married women don't really engage in much sex (or variety of sex) after marriage, maybe that is the attitude you are giving off. I know I wouldn't want to talk to a man with such narrow views.

Yes, some facts do support stereotypes, but not all. Stereotypes that married women don't want sex or give blow jobs is the type of attitude I mentioned that women are constantly fighting against. If a woman grows up hearing that you don't have to have sex after marriage, married women don't want sex or variety, etc don't you think that will impact her beliefs about sex? Yes, there are plenty of women who don't want to have sex after marriage and there are plenty of women who want more/variety after marriage. In the same way, there are plenty of men who decrease their sex drives after marriage. its not a gender thing. If you read through the posts here, you will find plenty of women complaining about lack of their husband's sex drive, of men who don't want to try different things with them, etc.

By stereotyping women and their sexuality, (1) you will not get good response from a women's forum and (2) you will never find a solution for the issue you are seeking help from.

[DreamP346]

Its a fact (shown by research, not just one person's biased opinion), men who help around the house get more sex from their partners.

Not sure anyone was complaining about lack of sex, but it's good to know I can stop buying all that jewelry and just put in a bit more time with the hoover! (joking)

Seriously, I'm sure my wife doesn't have all those hangups, she's a confident straightforward woman. Just some (not all I'm sure) men and women look at things differently. I'm sure I could force the issue, but there's little point as if we don't both enjoy the talk or sexy underwear or whatever it is, neither of us does.


Was the research published?

I will have to get back to you with the citation for that research.

Not all women have these hangups, but the reality is that they battle it everyday. Regardless of how confident you are about your body, you have to deal with seeing images of photoshopped models every day. Its just a battle that we women have to fight with ourselves and most societies don't help us. Most women who don't wear lingurie is because they are very self contious of their bodies. The women may have a model like body, but she may think her butt is too big and not want to bring attention to it. Many women don't want to have sex with the lights on or reverse cowgirl for the same reason. You may not realize it because their women are very confident and don't seem to have issues with their weight, they are not constantly talking about their weight, etc. But it is happening all the time.

Try talking to your wife, explaining how sexy it makes her, etc. Just like any other aspect of marriage, its about compromise and often a partner will be willing to meet you half way if its something the other person really wants. Just saying wear it will probably get you nowhere. Also, you may have to compromise on they type of lingurie. You may want the crochless stuff and she may be willing to go with a dainty Victoria Secret negligee.

[Lady Syrinx]

the exact scenario here. Seems like this is fairly more common with women than I thought. I think most women are this way once they are married . Before they are married it's quite different. They don't liketo own up to it on forums like this but a quick survey of men will confirm. It's very much like the joke, Groom when asked why smiling , "I jsut had the best Blow job of my life" his bride when asked why smiling " I just performed the last blow job of my life

That's a very sexist point of view. There are many things that can effect the libido. It's an easy out to say that married women simply don't "like" sex. Some women feel that way no doubt

I've told this story in other threads but it bears repeating here.

I had no libido for much of my 9 year marriage due to medication. Once I went off the offending meds my libido returned. When I went back on anti-depressants, I literally cried to my psychiatrist about not wanting to lose my libido again. Long story my psychiatrist put me on two anti-depressants that had limited or no sexual side effects. And now things are back on track.

My point... to the outside world I would've looked like the.stereotypical wife in that joke. But that was not the reality.

[ffp20]

I am a sexologist, so I love talking about sex as a topic. Its a lot harder to talk about personal matters of sex though. Maybe try when she is in a good mood, maybe had a glass or two of wine and you are rubbing her back or something like that. Try telling her your fantasies first and then asking her. Or you can get a sex board game that includes sharing of fantasies or commenting on certain behaviors.

With all due respect you you and your profession, your suggestion makes it sound good. However, you're assuming the fellows wife is open to the discussion already. In my instance the mere mention of ANYTHING sexual results in silence, stoneface appearance, avoidance and disgust. I tried your suggestions, but to someone who simply will not engage in any communication or suggestion of something sexual, it wont work and only adds to my frustration. One time for instance i sent a few loving emails explaining my frustration and concern about the marriage, she wrote back saying she wont want to have sex with me if i kept it up. She has some serious insecurities or demons. I'm close to saying things have to be dealt with or its over. We've been married almost 25 years and theres always been some issues with intimacy. I suspect there could be some abuse issues when she was young but she denies it and got really defensive upon a subtle few words about it. Its not supposed to be this way.

[DreamP346]

Was the research published?

Sorry it took a while to get you this answer, but here is an exerp from an article:

The 2008 report commissioned by US Council of Contemporary Families still applies in 2012: "When men do more of the housework, women's perceptions of fairness and marital satisfaction rise.” In addition, Psychologists Claire Rabin and Pepper Schwartz say "there's a direct correlation between men doing more housework and the frequency of sex, and wives reported greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who participated in housework."

Andrea Lyons, Chief Passion Curator of BringBackDesire.com states, “For some women it may be the way the muscles bulge while their man is moving a mop/vacuum/iron or the lack of a shirt and low hanging jeans while their partners are doing their chores. For the rest of us - it’s because the chore assistance leaves us giddy with relief, freeing up all sorts of energy for other activities. Throw in some childcare and who knows what will happen!”

Other studies report being the sole person in a marriage to clean the toilet and scrub the floors is definitely not an aphrodisiac. In fact, men who claim to support feminist ideas only do an average of four minutes more housework each day than traditional men with openly "macho" belief systems. The message sent to the woman when a man does so little around the house is a lack of respect for her. When the woman feels more respected in the relationship, she in turn gives more to her mate and the relationship prospers. The result is a more successful, happier marriage.

[DreamP346]

With all due respect you you and your profession, your suggestion makes it sound good. However, you're assuming the fellows wife is open to the discussion already. In my instance the mere mention of ANYTHING sexual results in silence, stoneface appearance, avoidance and disgust. I tried your suggestions, but to someone who simply will not engage in any communication or suggestion of something sexual, it wont work and only adds to my frustration. One time for instance i sent a few loving emails explaining my frustration and concern about the marriage, she wrote back saying she wont want to have sex with me if i kept it up. She has some serious insecurities or demons. I'm close to saying things have to be dealt with or its over. We've been married almost 25 years and theres always been some issues with intimacy. I suspect there could be some abuse issues when she was young but she denies it and got really defensive upon a subtle few words about it. Its not supposed to be this way.

ffp, I am sorry to hear about your situation. On a virtual annonymous forum with limited information, we can only provide limited suggestions. These are not professional advise. If you are seeking professional advise, which I recommend you do, your wife needs to see a sex therapist. It sounds like there are underlying issues that even you are not aware of. It would be beyond a virtual forum's ability to diagnose her and provide recommendations.