[PDX_Underhill]

My girlfriend and I share one of those "Once in a lifetime" connections. I normally ridicule cliche's, but we really are incredibly aligned in our world-views, our goals, our parenting styles, our activities and our morals. We accept each other without judgement and both are good at making sacrifices for one another. And 95% of the time we are the model of domestic bliss… everyone works, we cook, help kids with homework have a great network of friends.

Our sex life is unique IMO… we can get into to some really fun stuff: sex outdoors, three-ways, anal, lingerie, restraints…etc… But we also will "make love" in the truest sense and often find ourselves just in missionary, whispering to each other and kissing which ends up being perhaps even hotter sexually than the kink. Also, living in Portland and going out has offered some really amazing, unique and spontaneous evenings. (I seriously ****ing love it here…lol). For the most part we share a really singular relationship.

The problem kicks in however that all the above fun that I mention is connected to a really unpredictable, chaotic libido of the girlfriend. She'll go through spurts where she'll **** my brains out for three days and then will withdraw sexually for 2-3 weeks. During these two-three week periods I try to be the model boyfriend, I write nice notes, buy her a rose here or there, do the dishes, cook, clean and give her "no strings attached" backrubs. But when I try to initiate intimacy I get quickly rejected or asked if we can do it tomorrow. For a while, she would initiate every couple of days or so, but I asked her to stop once she confirmed to me that she was initiating because she could tell I needed it, but her heart wasn't in it.

She is stressed out all the time. But this is how I've always known her and it didn't seem to affect her in the beginning of our relationship. I go out of my way to de-stress her by taking her domestic burdens away, making time and space for her to study/work alone. She has mentioned that her thyroid might be lesser functioning, but again, that was happening since the beginning.

I'm beginning to feel that my own identity as a man who could take it to her twice a day, every day (were she interested) is getting lost. It takes incredible effort on my part to be patient on this issue. I am working so ****ing hard, but am not getting physical affection consistently. Emotionally her and I are really consistent about each other… but it's just not translating into the physical like (I believe) that it should.

At what point am I no longer being the patient, caring, flexible lover and become the doormat? How much should I push her out of her comfort zone? Should I push at all? I'd really love perspective from you all.

[Euphoric]

The tone of your post sounds like you are frustrated. There are a couple of things that stood out. Why are you basing your 'identity as a man' on the amount of sex you have? I think your masculine identity as an understanding partner who shows love and support in the countless ways you describe are by far greater traits to hang your hat on. I don't see where she is using you as a doormat. You admit that she used to initiate sex because she could tell that you wanted it, so that sounds like she was making an effort to please you. She has also admitted that she may have a thyroid issue. If there is the possibility of a medical issue causing her problems, maybe you should encourage her to see a doctor. You sound like an extraordinary individual who is actively engaged in sharing chores, activities, morals, etc. If the bond you share with her is as strong as you say, I think words of encouragement for her health and well being may be appreciated.

As far as pushing her out of her comfort zone - to push someone is to force them against their will and I don't think that would be well received. I do not support any form of force, unless someone needs medical attention and doesn't realize it. She either enjoys or engages in many sexual encounters, so there doesn't seem to be an issue with comfort zone in that aspect.

The two of you seem to connect on many levels and rather than getting frustrated and angry, I think you should talk to her to see if the source of the sexual roller coaster can be found.

Best wishes and good luck.

[PDX_Underhill]

Thank you Euphoric for the thoughtful response. I am indeed frustrated, and my instinct has not been to push, but am beginning to feel a bit exploited. We certainly have talked about it, and I have tried very hard to be patient, but our conversations typically end with her feeling defensive. I think my frustration is rooted in that out of all the issues she deals with in a given day, thinking about me and what's going on with our intimacy drops to the bottom of the list. Compound this by 4-5 days in a row where she doesn't make the time and I begin to get ****ed... especially when I've made it a focus to "create a space" of time and opportunity for us to be together. I feel that I give 100% (and more) every day. And I do that even though I deal with very similar levels of stress and pressure.

The times when she has initiated that I mentioned above are often very reactionary and are treated as a chore, i.e.; "Oh **** I forgot to return the movies to redbox." So perhaps what I'm really responding to is that she doesn't seem to have a lot of time to focus on me. Doesn't make a guy feel the best. Meanwhile, I am spending a lot of time taking on extra duties to lift her burden. So when she does get a break, and only wants to unwind instead of engage with me it can really suck...lol.

So I guess, when I offer that perhaps I should push, I more specifically mean that perhaps it would be appropriate to ask her to make me a part of her unwinding ritual or to try to do more to get in the mood? Isn't it reasonable to expect her to be available some days to return the favor and sacrifice her time for me, even if it's not to have sex but to just be emotionally intimate? The whole situation gives me anxiety in a way I've never before experienced. And it's not how things were in the beginning of our relationship. I take that as a sign that something is wrong somewhere.

I don't know... still open minded to hearing feedback and being told that I just need to suck it up and deal with how this makes me feel on my own. Or to be patient, and give her time to reset herself sexually. What I want is to feel that our relationship in the long run will be balanced. But right now it's hard to be cynical.

Grateful again for the feedback... :-)

[Euphoric]

It is more than reasonable to expect your partner to make some time for you. It's ironic, my Hubby works third, we have two mid teenage boys and making time can be a bit of a challenge (more for him than me, LOL). You seem so thoughtful. Most people I know want to have emotional intimacy. I feel like you do, in that when one partner takes on more of the household duties to free up their partner, it should be acknowledged. How long have you been in this relationship?

Try not to get too discouraged. Our hormones can go a little haywire sometimes. Just a funny side note - Hubby works with all men and they are notorius for asking every day if he 'got some'. He normally says no because he doesn't feel it is any of their business. I asked him - Do you think these guys really believe that you live like a monk? He told me a couple of days ago that he finally told them he was the one that could keep up because I am in overdrive. So of course now when he goes to work tired, they are ribbing him about his activities.

We are all different, but if you used to be jumping each other in the bushes, and when going down the road, I'm wondering if there is something medically going on??

How long have you been in this relationship and how long ago did things change?

[PDX_Underhill]

We have known each other for 10 months, and have been living together for four months. We made the decision to move in so quickly because I began to literally spend, at most, one day a week at my own place. Was a rather obvious and organic choice. The pressure however of all that change plus a lawsuit I'm currently navigating that is threating my net income have at certain timepoints really caused her to shut down. She has recovered from those shutdowns, but along the way the our intimacy has evolved from "destressing" 4-5 times a week, doing it in the middle of the night, etc... to the current situation. There are times currently when for 2-3 days she'll squeeze me for every drop, but shortly thereafter I will spend 2-3 weeks wondering where the ********** at that attention went.

The medical hypothesis is very valid, however it's been looked into somewhat. I'm not sure if hypothyroidism would cause "fits and spurts." But I know that she has some already documented thyroid issues. She asked her physician regarding hypothyroid and sex (who is a 1st class doctor and a woman) and the email she got back didn't support the idea that what she was experiencing fit that hypothesis.

For now I'll stick with the "woman are mercurial" hypothesis (no offense...lol) until some more time has gone by or until somebody comes up with a better explanation...hehe.

PS... there is no better feeling as a man then being outpaced frequencywise by a woman. It's makes getting together so intense! I bet your hubby deep down is a good place. Hopefully you two are aligned enough that you don't feel shorted though.

[Little]

If she's on any medications, including hormonal BC, they might be zapping out her sex drive. This is such a problem with birth control pills that people make jokes saying that's the REAL way the pills prevent pregnancy.

If she's not on BC, it's likely that her monthly cycle and its natural hormone changes are actually HELPING you get sex. Many women experience surges of desire around ovulation. It could be that the "surge of desire" around ovulation is the only thing breaking through her stress enough to make her want sex, and once she breaks through, she returns to her normal libido ... until the hormones wear off.

In that case, you'd want to treat the stress directly (not that you wouldn't want to otherwise ) What do you consider "taking on extra duties?" You mention cooking, cleaning, doing dishes - do you normally not pick up your share of these tasks? Does she usually get to them before you? Do you think she feels an obligation to do those tasks and maybe feels bad when you do them instead?
What about that lawsuit - without giving details, what does it have to do with her stress? And the "shutdowns," does she call them that? What are they like? Do they have any roots in previous relationships, or maybe her childhood?

It alarms me that you consider yourself a "doormat" or "exploited" because your girlfriend isn't giving you sex at the pace and enthusiasm that you'd like, especially when she's trying to meet your needs even when her level of desire doesn't match yours. Maybe I'm reading you wrong, I don't know.
But in the same breath, I'll say it's not unreasonable to ask for your partner to spend one-on-one emotionally intimate time with you. You might ask her for 30 minutes technology-free daily. Maybe you could shut off your phones, turn off TV and computers, and spend the last half hour before bed. Doing basic things like making eye contact and yes, those massages you mentioned (massage releases oxytocin - a bonding chemical. The same chemical released by orgasm and breastfeeding.)

Lastly, you don't mention what the sex is like, other than kinky - does she reach orgasm? Is it easy for her? Does she show any sign of discomfort with sexual activity - either the vanilla, emotional sex you have, or the kinkier stuff?

Don't answer anything you're uncomfortable answering. Most of my questions are for you more than me.

[PDX_Underhill]

In that case, you'd want to treat the stress directly (not that you wouldn't want to otherwise ) What do you consider "taking on extra duties?" You mention cooking, cleaning, doing dishes - do you normally not pick up your share of these tasks? Does she usually get to them before you? Do you think she feels an obligation to do those tasks and maybe feels bad when you do them instead? What about that lawsuit - without giving details, what does it have to do with her stress? And the "shutdowns," does she call them that? What are they like? Do they have any roots in previous relationships, or maybe her childhood?

It alarms me that you consider yourself a "doormat" or "exploited" because your girlfriend isn't giving you sex at the pace and enthusiasm that you'd like, especially when she's trying to meet your needs even when her level of desire doesn't match yours. Maybe I'm reading you wrong, I don't know.

Don't answer anything you're uncomfortable answering. Most of my questions are for you more than me.

Hi Little. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and to pose thought provoking questions. I suppose that I can't blame you for assuming that as a man my version of "taking on extra duties" would mean in essence any doing housework at all. lol. While a cliche' there aren't a lot of men who help disabuse woman of that notion. My version is that I relieve her of ALL domestic duties so that she can study and get enough sleep, i.e.; dishes, laundry, cooking, run the kiddo to and from school, tutor her daughter with her homework and help the girlfriend with editing papers and other sundy homework. We also make time for the GF to still get recreation that's focuses on her such as her cycling races, time at the mall, nights out with the girls etc.. It's no exageration for me to say that I'm throwing my entire back into it...lol.

I don't mind supporting her so that she can focus on school and have a balanced life as long as I feel remembered at the end of the day. So the connection to "doormat" or "exploited" isn't sex per se, but more that making time, and focusing some energy to be intimate are not prioritized over a period of consecutive of days. Yes... sex is a part of intimacy for men. But no one is saying that anyone "owes" anyone sex.

As I mentioned, I have asked her to NOT initiate sex that she isn't actually interested in having. While it shows how sweet she can be, in those moments she views it as a "chore" or a "checklist" that simply needs to be marked off. As a man and partner who choses to be only with her and devote everything I have to her, the thought of having cheap sex just to get off feels very degrading. When I look into her eyes in those moments I know that she's not really there... and to me that feels very wrong.

I'm submitting that sex/intimacy are by definition a mutual endeavor. And if one half of that intimacy is consistently is missing than I think it's more than reasonable for the other to be frustrated.

Regarding stress... I will simply submit that every stressor she experiences, I have experienced in spades. My lawsuit threatens to reduce my net income for up to three years. And this of course threatens our household and the fun experiences we can engage in. But I'm the one actually fighting it, writing affidavits and having to sit through court. So I suppose a part of me thinks that if I can endure all that and still be even keeled, why can't she.

What would is reasonable for me to expect? Am I really that far off? Will all the woman on this board tell me that I'm hitting that "you just need to suck it up" because all relationships are like this? I genuinely want to hear feedback, and appreciate very much what you've already offered.

God forbid... is giving less the answer? I swear if you all go for the nice guys finish last bit I'll lose my mind... lol. ;-)

Thanks.

[PDX_Underhill]

PS...I do love this woman... God do I ever. It's not my first long term relationship and this one is so, so intense. I very much want to make her my partner for the rest of my life. We are so very much aligned with but this one exception. Any help you offer will be well received.

[Little]

I don't feel like she is taking advantage of you due to any perceived personality trait or female aversion to male "niceness," or that you are necessarily asking for anything too extreme at the same time. I don't think that either me or Eurphoric have asked you to suck it up (at least not long-term.) And certainly, not all relationships will have an unfair imbalance of sexual desire.

With the understanding that you're helping your girlfriend get through school, your diction is less strange to me. You mentioned in your first post that everybody works, but I assume there's some kind of disparity of income. I also assume that this will be a temporary situation. School shouldn't last forever! Do you think her stress will go down when she doesn't have to go to school anymore? How far in the future is that?

I feel like you're overthinking the whole "offering sex she doesn't want to be having" thing. If partners went around declining every offer of a sexual act that didn't overtly benefit the giver, there would be a global shortage of BJs and face-giving Any reason to have sex that's good enough for your girlfriend (if she's being honest with herself) should be good enough for you, especially when you feel like you're not getting enough. It's almost like you're telling her you know her emotions better than she does.

[Euphoric]

PDX,

Little asked a key question that I haven't seen in your response, and I agree with her. Don't answer anything that you are uncomfortable with. Does she orgasm or is there a sense of pressure from you or herself to do so?

To me, sex is great and achieving that level of satisfaction (and release) is one of the best feelings in the world. But, when there is pressure, ex: I feel like I'm being timed for it to happen, I can almost guarentee you it WON'T happen. (The timing issue is because of our crazy schedule and working it in - sometimes without a lot of time to spare) If I put pressure on myself, concentrating too hard trying to will an orgasm because I need the release, it might not happen.

For the record, no, I don't feel short changed because I look at the big picture. He works hard, cheats sleep when there are things that need to get done, is an excellent father, etc. You get the picture. If he has stretch himself too far and can't take care of my needs at a given moment, I don't get upset or frustrate with him. I'm gonna just put it out there, if I 'need' it that bad, I can take matters into my own hands. In a way, it makes me appreciate the time we do have more.

If she is willing, and you turn it down because you can tell she doesn't want it, you are cheating yourself. There is give and take in every relationship. I have not always wanted it went he did, but because I love him, I did. I'm sure he feels the same at times right now. Compromise!