[Nonni114]

I just been reading through some post and came across one about a husband asking his wife to sleep with other men. I just don't see how that is a loving request. It allows him to imply he can sleep with other women. Why get married? Unless it's just for financial stability. Having sex with your life partner is a way to express love for each other, so I see it as your giving that away when your sleeping with anyone you find attractive. Meaning that your sex dosen't mean anything in the relationship and just when you feel like it. Players club status. Other thing when partners start having feelings for the outsiders then it goes to show you do run the risk of putting the person you married chances of falling out of love or loving this other person more then you. I hear comments as" well as long as your marriage is strong enough" so does that imply my relationship is not as strong because of differences in moral standards? The lines of love and sex get so blurred....is he/ or she thinking of me right now or someone else? is my sex good enough? is this love making? are they love making with the other? Is it just about getting laid? and people just don't care? is the world going into a place were you can have sex with anyone without any repercussions? What if everyone were swingers and bi-sexuals where does a relationship have a place? Maybe I'm just such an insecure person with issues. I just talked with my boyfriend about it. He say's it's about making you partner happy and will do anything and everything to bring them bliss. Well I have said no to some things in our sex life because if I did everything he wanted I would probably walk away from the relationship. So now it's about me feeling insecure about not giving anything and everything "bliss" to my boyfriend. And what the means. My bf hasn't requested a swingers life lol So this topic is opportunity for me see where I'm having problems. This topic isn't to offend anyone.

[DreamP346]

How other people choose to define marriage, love, relationships and how they choose to live their lives has nothing to do with your life. You not choosing that lifestyle does not mean your relationship is not strong. Everybody has preferences and many of them are defined by the culture we live in. There are cultures out there where people of the opposite gender do not touch, not even with a handshake because that is only between married people. For most western cultures, that seems pretty extreme. How does a simple handshake have anything to do with love, marriage, etc. Similarly, people who enjoy swinging look at love, marriage, relationship being defined beyond sexual monogomy. Remember, sex and love are two different things. Its wonderful when put together, but not necessary.

Marriage being defined as sexual monogomy is very much influenced by religion, inheritant, male control of female sexuality, financial security, etc. Thinking that marriage is about love is a very recent concept. Many parts of the world still does not base marriage on love and there are religions and cultures where marrying more than one person is acceptable. You just have to realize that people who live swingers lifestyle do not follow the same values and definitions as you do. There is nothing wrong with enjoying this lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with saying this isn't for you. Just realize that there are more people living this lifestyle than you think.

[Stillness]

Everybody is judgmental about something and sex is one of those things people are universally judgmental about in one way or another. In some cultures it's perfectly acceptable for children to have sex with adults, or for unmarried people to have sex, or for men to beat their disobedient wives. In other cultures those things are viewed as immoral. We're all interconnected. None of our actions occur in a vacuum, so they affect other people to some extent. Morality exists so we don't hurt others and they don't hurt us.

Sex is powerful. It creates bonds, can spread disease, stir up jealousy, bring forth life, destroy relationships as sure as it strengthens them. All of this impacts the community. It's fair to have feelings about it. Where I think it can be negative is if you try to impose your views on other people or are intolerant. Everybody is entitled to an opinion. I agree with yours that swinging is immoral. But I'm not ready to throw someone away if they disagree. And I don't feel the need to force them to see things my way even if what they do is bad for them and me - just like my neighbor that smokes outside my window. I just close the window, complain to my wife, smile at my neighbor, and try not to sweat it too much.

[JonDoe]

Marriage being defined as sexual monogomy is very much influenced by religion, inheritant, male control of female sexuality, financial security, etc.

I agreed with most of what you said with the exception of the above statement, especially the part about "male control of female sexuality". Sexual monogamy in marriage applies equally to both partners regardless of gender.

[danceintx]

I had a girl friend who was married to a guy of like 10+ years. He was the first guy she had ever been with and they had an open relationship, but only one way. He got off to her sleeping with other men, and even liked her to video it or take pictures for him to see later. But he did not sleep with other women and she made it sound like she would not like that very much. I personally think to each his own and whatever works for people, that's their business. I am pretty vanilla and don't like to share personally, but I don't care if other people want to. It does freak me out a little though.

[DreamP346]

I agreed with most of what you said with the exception of the above statement, especially the part about "male control of female sexuality". Sexual monogamy in marriage applies equally to both partners regardless of gender.

There is arguement to the theory that marriage was instituted by men to control women's sexuality and ensure that only their own genes were passed along. For women, its very clear whose child she is carrying. But for men, the only way to know is if a woman is sexually bound only to a single man and prevent her expanding her sexuality beyond that one male partner. Many religions and even our own government laws in the past have punished women harder compared to men for infidelity within a marriage. In the US, until a few decades ago, a husband raping his wife was not recognized as a crime.

[Stillness]

For women, its very clear whose child she is carrying.

Maury Povich would disagree.

[T&M_2]

I just been reading through some post and came across one about a husband asking his wife to sleep with other men. I just don't see how that is a loving request. It allows him to imply he can sleep with other women. Why get married?

Like others have said, each to their own, but what defines a "Loving request" would it not be in the way that the request was made? I have discussed with my wife about her having another guy and it has nothing to do with it giving me permission to sleep with other woman. It was more to do with both of our fantasies and what would make us happy. What has come from these discussions is that we both not sure of how far we would like it to go, so we havent acted on it as yet. I can tell you that it has not put any strain on our relationship, if anything it has made us closer, well that and a couple of other things. One of the main reasons people get married is for love, but there are also marrages of convieniance that have developed into a loving relationship. What about pre arranged marriages some of them last a life time just as the ones for love.

I guess what Im trying to get at is," If you dont ask you will never know"

What is love at the end of the day, a feeling that you have, a chemical reation in your brain. Now we all know that no two people think the same so at the end of the day how one couple see love, might just make another couple ill. I would imaginr that with out tollerance this world we live in would be a dreadful place.

[jns]

Nonni, marriages and relationships can be based on many things. Some people tie love and sex together so that if they have sex, they automatically start down the path to love. And if they love, they need sex to be a part of the relationship. Much of this tying things together seems to be related to brain chemistry.

A different group of people don't tie sex and love together that way. Their brain chemistry is different. Love is a completely separate thing from sex. This group views sex as an enjoyable activity that is more enjoyable with variety.

In the case of the wife having multiple partners with the permission and encouragement of the husband, the husband may not be looking for permission for multiple partners himself. It may be that when the wife comes back from her encounters she is happy and content and maybe even has a glow about her (somewhat how my wife is when she comes back from shopping: I find shopping makes my feet hurt for the most part so she usually goes solo). This makes the husband happy. The relationship between the wife and the husband can be sustained on this positive influence. In a relationship with the roles reversed, the wife can benefit from the husband's encounters in a similar way. Such relationships do not have to interfere with the relationship between the husband and the wife, even the sexual relationship. Obviously, jealousy has to be low. Such a relationship is not for everyone. And yes, there are many cases where the husband encourages his wife's encounters to claim the right to have the same.