[KateyY]

Hey!

I want to ask for some advice on a rather embarassing topic, my mind is all tangled up and I don't know what to do.

I'm quite young, I've had boyfriends in my life before, but now I'm in my first serious relationship and it's working great. I am sometimes a bit conservative in bed, but I'm open-minded and I enjoy pleasing. One of the things that my boyfriends have loved has been ejaculating on my face. I've had and still have mixed emotions about it, but I have given my permission for it before. On the positisive side, I've loved how much it has turned them on and how much they have appreciated it, on the other hand it's incredibly messy and dominating to allow it, and they have enjoyed the power play a bit too much. I haven't really had any bad experiences, my previous boyfriends have treated me nicely, but as I've become more older and more confident, I've felt that being dominated and objectified in that way is not something I really want to have. I think the final straw was when my last boyfriend told me that was honestly turned on by the fact that I alowed him on my face just to please me, when I really didn't want it.

Now, the thing is that my partner has just recently asked me how I feel about facials and if it's somethin that I would want to try, and I just don't know what to do.

I could tell him that I've allowed it before, but I don't want to do it anymore, which would be honest, but really unfair of me, not doing it for him when I have done with boyfriends I cared far less about.

I could just tell him I don't want it, without explaining, but I don't want to keep it from him, and I haven't said no to him before.

I could tell him I don't exactly love it, but I'm willing to try with him, maybe it's not that bad with someone that special.

Or I could tell him that I'm willing to try without telling him I've done it before and just say so, if I really don't want it.

Inside me, I'm not too thrilled about the idea of allowing it again, but at the same time he's amazing with me and I do want to please him, I'm just so confused about how to approach it. What will he think of me if I explain why I feel how I feel?

[JonDoe]

First, I don't think you need to offer unsolicited information about your past relationships. I'm not saying to refuse relevant information or to lie, but you don't need to lead with such detailed information. Many guys will have a difficult time knowing their partner has willingly done things with previous partners, especially with casual sex partners, but not willing to try with them. Some partners may even use this information against you when arguing an unrelated point months or years later. Only you know how loving and caring your partner is, so ultimately this is your decision.

Second, I think you should ask yourself why you feel this is objectifying you in a serious relationship. There is a much higher likelihood that a one night stand or casual sex partner will objectify you for his sexual gratification. Are you assuming he is USING you as an object for his selfish pleasure? Would you feel different if it turned him on to ejaculate on your feet, boobs, back, butt or belly? Do you feel the same about swallowing? The point is that it would be easy to feel objectified by several mainstream sexual acts if you make assumptions.

Does he try to please you in various ways, both emotionally and sexually?

Some women (and men) enjoy being humiliated during sex, including being called names that would make most women (and men) cringe, but obviously that is not something for everyone. If this is something that both partners enjoy, then how can it be viewed as objectifying the other partner? The point is that if he objectifies you in other non-sexual ways, then it is possible that he is objectifying you when he cums on your face, but chances are that he is merely doing something that is a turn-on to him.

I agree 100% that you shouldn't do something that brings you physical or emotional pain, but I don't fully agree with others that say if you don't want to do something, then simply don't do it, ever. As you said "[you] loved how much it has turned them on and how much they have appreciated it". If your partner enjoys and appreciates it, and you love how it turns your partner on, then I recommend including it in your bag of love making tricks. It doesn't have to be every time, unless you both love it, but what is the harm in the occasional unselfish act to please your loving partner?

[KateyY]

Hey!

Thank you for the first part of advice, I'll keep that in mind.

The thing is, that I have felt objectified when allowing facials before, especially with my last boyfriend, and I'm afraid that I may relate to it with my current partner. He has been wonderful with me, and I think if I hadn't done facials before, I would just say yes, but I'm not sure about the current situation, I don't want to have memories of how I've felt before when he does it.

I don't have anything against the act itself, just the first thing that comes to mind is how my previous boyfriends have enjoyed it being mostly for their pleasure, and gotten off even more from the fact that I've done something I didn't much enjoy.

I guess it's just something that I have to sort out in my head, if I think I can forget about the past times, then I just might do it again.

[shoshannah]

I think there's a fine line between doing something you're not crazy about because you know it's exciting or fun for your partner on the one hand, and letting him use you on the other. I think it all depends on its context in the relationship and how strongly you feel about it. The concept seems sort of offensive to me--my boyfriend has never done it or asked to do it, except when he was giving me pearl necklaces and his semen just incidentally sometimes would land on my face or hair--and since we have moved on to intercourse we don't even do that very often anymore. But deliberately wanting to go on my face seems over the line, though that is just me talking. Maybe it would be okay once in a while, but if he wanted to do it every time or something, or showed no concern for your pleasure or your comfort level, that would also be a different story. I think the bottom line is for you to trust your instincts, both about your boyfriend and about what you feel about the facial itself.

I definitely don't think that you owe your current boyfriend anything based on what you may have allowed other boyfriends in the past. What you did with previous guys is none of his business, and he certainly has no claims on you based on what you did with them. For instance, suppose you had allowed a previous boyfriend to do S&M on you and you flat-out hated it and found it painful. Would that mean you would have to allow every future boyfriend to do the same? I don't think so. But if you were reluctant to do it with an earlier boyfriend but then found you liked it when you let him, that is a different story. It comes down once again to trusting your experience and instincts.

I hope this helps.

[Element]

Just don't tell him you've done it before. I don't mean to guide you to lie, but as you are conflicted with feelings about it in the first place; you are not yet ready for this discussion. I don't suggest ever volunteering this information to him.

[nufi]

Allow it or not, just no way speak about you doing it already with others! That is not going to help the situation.

[JonDoe]

I guess it's just something that I have to sort out in my head, if I think I can forget about the past times, then I just might do it again.

Your last statement is the key in that this has more to do with you than him. However, you will never forget the past times, but you can come to terms with the fact that your current boyfriend is not your previous boyfriend. To hold him in the same light because of something someone else did is not fair to the new guy. If intercourse wasn't pleasurable with your previous boyfriend, you won't automatically assume sex with a new boyfriend is going to be lousy too. Mind games are a slippery slope.

You may feel less objectified if you are more in control. So rather than letting him take the lead, the next time you give him a BJ or HJ have him tell you when he is going to cum, and have him cum on your lips while you are holding his penis.

[KateyY]

Hey!

I'm seriosly considering saying yes, at least trying what facals are like with him and see how it goes, but does everybody really think I shouldn't tell him I've allowed it before and how I've felt? I trust him completely and we've talked about a lot, I just think he would understand me better, but then again I'm not sure if I should.

[Lulue]

Just don't tell him you've done it before. I don't mean to guide you to lie, but as you are conflicted with feelings about it in the first place; you are not yet ready for this discussion. I don't suggest ever volunteering this information to him.

I agree with Element, you might as well try it with him without disclousing the fact that you have done it before, and if it happens you don't like it with him, you then tell him you didnt realy like it & stop doing it thereafter! All Im saying is give him a chance considering that he is some1 special to you!!!

[Guest]

Read the following quotes 100 times each, then be 100% honest with yourself give him an honest reply based on how you feel about it.

I've felt that being dominated and objectified in that way is not something I really want to have.

Inside me, I'm not too thrilled about the idea of allowing it again,

Any real man who honestly loves you will understand, say nothing more and continue to enjoy your intimacy in other ways that truly matter to both of you.