[unabatedshagie]

Apologies for the long post but here goes.

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 11 years, in all that time I've never known her to masturbate. She also doesn't have very much of a sex drive. I'm always the one who has to initiate sex and make all the moves in the bedroom. When we have sex she seems to enjoy it. I've never had her complain about anything I do and she's always very satisfied afterwards. Up until the last few years she wouldn't even entertain the notion of me using sex toys on her or have me perform oral sex on her.

I was her second boyfriend, she was my first and we have two children under 5. I understand having children can affect women sexually but these issues were around before the children.

I'd say I have a higher than average sex drive and would like to be quite adventurous in bed which isn't helping. In all this time I haven't pressured her into doing anything she doesn't want to do but as you can imagine it's starting to get a little frustrating.

In the time we've been together I've tried to talk to her about it a few times but she always gets very shy and clams up which makes talking about it quite hard.


I'm not actually sure why I'm writing this or what I hope for this to achieve. Maybe I just need to get it off my chest and get some other perspectives on my issue.

[Euphoric]

Why is she so shy? Does she come from a religious background? She has probably been conditioned (by religion or family) that masterbation is wrong or dirty. That is not a barrier that is easily overcome.

You say up until a few years ago she wouldn't entertain the idea of sex toys. I assume that she allows that into the mix of sexual ventures nows. Do she now allow you to perform oral? If the answer to those two questions are yes, then I would say she is making an effort to overcome her sexual inhibitions. It takes a long time for some people to become comfortable stepping out of their comfort zone (or lifetime of conditioning zone).

How far have you managed to get when you attempt to have these discussions before she clams up??

[unabatedshagie]

She's not religious in the slightest and in general day to day life she's not particularly shy, she just seems to have problems with sex.

She allows toys up to a point, only little vibrators and nothing internal (which I can completely understand) and only when she wants (which is completely up to her, can't expect to use toys every time). She lets me perform oral any time I want.

I understand that it can take some time for people to become comfortable with things. If it's only been a few years I'd understand but it's the sheer length of time that's starting to confuse me.

As for talking, that's a complicated subject. We generally don't get very far. This is probably my fault as much as hers as I'm struggling to get my head round why she's unwilling to try things since I'm so unadventurous so I tend to get a little frustrated.

She doesn't seem to be able to give me any answers as to why she's unwilling to do things.

[DreamP346]

Having an open discussion with your partner is an absolute to negotiate sexual needs and to ensure both parties are satisfied and nobody is feeling pressured to do something they really don't want. Your first task is to try to get her to talk to you. You know your partner best so use whatever communication strategy that works best. It will probably help if you explain to her how important open communication is in a relationship and although you understand talking about sex is not easy, you would like to work on having open communication about every aspect of your life together and that includes sex. Explain to her how that will help build your relationship. Basically, the first steps of the talk about sex will not even be about sex but the importance to have the conversation.

Once she agrees to that, start talking about very basic stuff. Maybe something not as inimidating. Don't ask open ended questions (because somebody who is not comfortable talking will not say anything) and don't ask questions that rate your/her performance. So don't ask whether she is sexually satisfied because she will say "yes". Don't just ask whether the way you give her oral is good, because the short answer will be "yes". Ask more like, "I would really like it if we watched some porn together. Nothing too outrageous. There is actually something called female friendly porn. Would you be open to that?" Also ask thing like if that makes her uncomfortable. If you watch the porn, ask her throughout what her feelings are, don't just assume it is turning her on. The next day you can talk about the experience and both of you liked/didn't like and if it would be fun to do again.

This is a graduate process. The converstation I describe above won't happen in a single sitting. Basically you are breaking down years of behavior so don't expect it to go away in one day.

Good luck

[rcoreyus]

People have a wide range of sex drives and it sounds like hers is much lower than yours, and it may be something that can't be changed. This can be a source of a lot of stress in a relationship