[TXguy]

Get over it dude.

I'm working on it! Thanks for the well wishes!

[Stillness]

There is an idea propagated these days that we MUST share ALL of our feelings with our loved ones, even if those "feelings" are extremely hurtful. I disagree. I think it's selfish to spill all of our personal dirty laundry out on someone, just so that we can feel better about it all.

I think as grown adults, we need to sometimes keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

I agree.

I do understand your situation better now. I guess you're finding out the meaning of "for worse". One of the cool things about this site is that you'll find men and women in all sorts of troubling situations - many of them dealing with too little or no sex in their marriages. It doesn't make your situation better, but just knowing you're not alone can help. Check out the search option. There are countless pages devoted to this subject. And keep up the good work.

Also, there's no need to apologize. I didn't take offense.

[rcoreyus]

I have thought about this a lot. My wife and I are still fairly young and healthy, but for both our sets of parents one decayed long before the other.

If I were the one who was failing I would want my wife to find someone else to be intimate with, to enjoy life with. I would not want her to waste years of her life sitting by my bedside while I slowly decayed - no reason to destroy 2 lives rather than one. I really mean this, but I can think of no way to bring it up with her without making it sound as if I am trying to get the same concession from her. (which of course would like but can't ask for). I only hope that I have enough warning of my decline to kill myself before my wife is forced into this situation.

You have my absolute sympathy - this is a terrible situation, I do not have the words to express how awful I know this is.

Now, almost everyone is going to flame me for this, but I'll say it anyway: I think it is OK for you to cheat and spend time with other women. It does not harm your wife if she never knows, and it prevents you from wasting so much of your life. If your wife really loved you she would want you to be happy, not stuck watching her fade. If people find out they will call you a monster, but for what its worth, I believe that it is an acceptable thing to do.

For anyone who thinks I'm being horrible - would you want the person you love to spend years miserable as they care for you? Doesn't love mean that their happiness is more important than yours?

[BabyGirl]

TX Guy,

I think your Deeper Love, is already there for your wife. But as some have said, you also have to take care of yourself. Or you may end up resenting your wife, even as you Love her .

Are you missing the Intimacy with her ? Can you still cuddle and hug and hold her ? Is there any way she can, Hand Stroke you for release ?

And yes it Sucks, Big Time. And as it was said, there are so many posts here about people having able Bodies and the sex is not forthcoming. Too Busy, Too Tired, bored in the Relationship. loss of libido. They complain and many rightly so, but most end up Cheating or Breaking up.

You are staying in this for the Long Haul. That is Highly Commendable.You seem to highly regard her feelings and have no wish to hurt her . But I think that you are a Man, who needs the Sexual Closeness, if not release, at the same time as keeping the love for your wife.

I'd wager, you are torturing yourself over the thoughts of wanting that release. Would it be cheating, would it be unfaithful, are you being Selfish ? That is why, I believe ( now ) that you came here.

I am a rare one, where I think Porn, for Married/ Serious couples is something to be Shared when both enjoy it, TOGETHER, Not one Whacking off or using Toys to please themselves , when the other is not Giving , for whatever reason. If it is used as a Replacement when the other is capable.
But can you use Porn ? Would it help with the release , would the wife mind that ?

I also agree, that if you kept it Private, no " Relationship " No Emotional Involvement , Just plain SEX, with a Woman, Lady of Evening, Not a married one or a Friend or Co~worker, every once in awhile, May help you from Resenting the situation your in and even stabilize the marriage, the determination to not leave or abandon her, but to take care of her and yourself at the same time.

You are in a Difficult Situation. We are here to try and help.
Sorry again , that I ranted at you .

[TXguy]

Thank you for the thoughts.

To clarify, my wife isn't invalid. She goes grocery shopping, picks the kids up from school, and does have some happier times that she feels SOME better (though that is relative).

Of course, she would "service" me any time I wanted - hand job or otherwise.

But I know she doesn't feel good the vast majority of the time, and I don't know that she will ever be back to normal - we have been in this situation for 2 years now and it's just become a part of our lives. I've frankly lost interest in sexual intimacy with her. I don't want her "servicing" me when I know she isn't into it - that takes all of the fun out of it.

What happens is that in a caregiver role, that romantic attraction - "electricity" for lack of a better word, goes away, because that person is now somewhat under your watch, your care. You almost become a parent.

"Kids...keep things picked up because mommy doesn't feel good..." "How you feeling right now honey?" (I ask this like multiple times a day). Today I was eating by myself quickly at a fast food restaurant and I asked her to come by and sit with me a few minutes, which she did. But within 10-15 minutes, she had to go home because she was nauseous. We can't go out to eat any more because it's an ordeal with her vomiting, etc. We just eat at home and I clean the dishes so that she can go rest and try not to vomit.

It's really hard to be intimate with someone - sexually, emotionally, etc. - when you spend most of your time simply looking after them.

I won't seek sex outside of our marriage - there is more to life than sex and I'm a big boy. We each have our crosses to bear and this is one of mine. At least I'm not the one sick all of the time, and since I am the sole provider for the family that's a huge blessing. At least I have the financial wherewithall for my wife to stay at home comfortably.

She definitely has been declining over the last several months - weaker and weaker. The doctors say there is hope that she will recover and we are working very hard on it.

[Euphoric]

You are one of few who take their vows seriously. For that, you are to be commended. If I understand you correctly, though you love and care about your wife, you aren't necessary attracted to her for several reasons. You commented that she looks and feels like crap, and that frankly you find it gross. It's hard to feel sexually attracted to a person that you view as sickly and distressed.

We would like to think with all the medical technology available today, doctors could find the cause and ultimately a cure. Unfortunately, doctors are human and don't have the super powers that we hope for sometimes. Hang on to your faith because maybe, somewhere in the near future, you will be fortunate and run across a doctor who can give you answers and provide medical assistance that will cure your wife.

It sounds like you are frustrated because although she is sick, but able to do "some" things, your sexual attraction toward her is gone

[Stillness]

You're good people, TXguy. I admire your attitude and composure (including on this thread). It seems you feel that "faithful" doesn't really mean anything if it's only in the good times. It's something I struggle with myself, although my situation is nowhere near as rough as yours. I'm in my 13th year of marriage and have never been satisfied sexually with my wife. I'm pretty determined to stick it out no matter what, though. I flip flop between holding out hope and being resigned to my fate. I think that I've sort of settled somewhere in between.

[Guest]

Having read your thread and many of the reply posts, about the only thing left I wouldn't do If I were you is A) give up on finding out what is causing the medical concerns for your spouse, and B) not stop trying until you do.

Having never been in your shoes I can honestly say that I have no idea what it must be like but with the relatively recent advances in the medical science areas, I am amazed that they (the entire medical community) haven't figured it out yet. They will...so keep looking, searching, asking and bugging them until they do.