[lovexlaugh]

Okay, so I'm new here, but I'd love some feedback on what others think. I have been dating my partner for almost 2 years. I really care about him, and he's crazy about me. But he can't satisfy in regards to sex. Everything I do turns him on, even when I dont mean to. I can smile at him, and he'll get an instant erection. But I just cant get in the mood. When we first started dating, he would just lie there and I would do everything - use my hand, give him a blowjob, then get on top for sex. He loved it, but I wasnt getting ANYTHING in return- he'd just lay there and enjoy it. Finally I talked to him about it, and he was so sweet about it, asked for suggestions and promised to try new things. He tried using his fingers on me, and when I didn't like that, he tried to lick me. I really hated it. He also gets on top, and no matter what he does, I just cant get in the mood. He'll be trying his best and doing all new stuff but I'll just be lying there trying to force myself to stay interested and stop thinking about what I want for dinner or new ideas for my uni essay. I usually end up having an orgasm - at the very last second my body decides to catch up, but apart from the actual act of the orgasm, I have zero interest in anything leading up to that point.I have no idea what to do about it. I get turned on when he's not around, from books (50 Shades of Grey, mmm) and pictures etc, but he can't do it himself. I feel bad because he's really trying but I'm also getting really frustrated! Is it him/me/a combination? My ex boyfriend (who I lost my virginity to) could turn me on, but as soon as we had sex, he would be incredibly mean and rough with me and I would end up in tears every time. I have a feeling this is why my body doesnt want to get turned on, but its just so frustrating, because my current partner is gentle, sweet and very trustworthy, and I hate the thought of my previous experiences should get in the way of us.

[Guest]

Definitely sounds like your past is interfering with your present and future.

I would suggest that you meet with a professional and one that specializes in sexual behaviors.

There are several very good books about sex and how to improve it or enhance it that one or both of you could read but it doesn't sound like you are even close to that point yet.

Some other thoughts...

Do you find your partner to be attractive? Are you attracted to him? What is it about him that "attracted" you to him in the first place? Where did that go or what happened to it?

There are some men who have no idea what to do when it comes to physical intmiacy with their partner.

I would make an appointment to talk with a professional about it.

[Harmony]

"...Could turn me on, but as soon as we had sex, he would be incredibly mean and rough with me and I would end up in tears every time. I have a feeling this is why my body doesnt want to get turned on..."

Your ex is a complete POS. This wasn't rough sex, it was abuse, and he is particularly culpable for taking advantage of your naivety, inexperience and associated insecurity.

It is common for unpleasant sexual experiences such as these to result in sexual problems, especially re sexual arousal. It sounds like your difficulties becoming aroused are a symptom of the unpleasant sexual experiences your ex imposed upon you.

Since you can become aroused alone, be reassured in the fact that there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with you.

I know this is a poor analogy, but imagine your mind is a computer (one of those slick, state of the art Macbooks of course) that operates your body. When you have healthy sex (which I promise you will be having soon) and when your partner operates the relevant computer program (the 'sex program') your mind tells your body to become sexually aroused (so you self lubricate and derive sexual pleasure from being touched/licked etc). It seems like your ex has corrupted the program with a virus, so the right messages are not reaching the right places. As the Seeker_Advice says, you need to see a sex therapist, they will help eradicate the virus so the 'sex program' works properly again and in harmony (see what I did there?) with your body.

Good luck xxx

[claragriffin77]

seek professional advice, you have to learn how to handle the trauma of being abused, i'm just happy to hear that you have move on and found another guy but you have a serious problem at hand so you better get some help

[lovexlaugh]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have spoke to my boyfriend about it and he was very supportive and wants to help me. I really hope I can sort it out, because I do find him very attractive, and our relationship is great in all other ways!

[Euphoric]

You have taken a huge step forward. Being able to have open and honest discussions with your SO is extremely important. Sounds like you've got a guy who actually cares about you and your well-being.

Best Wishes.

[DreamP346]

Just a thought and I could be completely off, have your considered the fact that you like S&M. You are turned on by a partner who is rough with you and 50 Shade of Grey. Have you tried some bondage or dominance/submissive play with your current partner? Give it a shot. See if that turns you on.

[jns]

Maybe your current partner isn't dominant enough to get you turned on. You did say he would just lay there while you did the initiating. Maybe the play sp346 suggested would work. Is he up to doing that?

[Jaya]

I agree with JNS. It sounds like because you had a really bad experience with your last partner, in order to avoid that pain at any cost you have gone in the complete opposite direction and chosen the 'safe' choice (your current partner opposite of your last partner). You may need to find someone who has more dominance and desire to satisfy you. The thing is, not all dominant men are abusive...I think maybe you need to get out there and find yourself a dominant safe man. Yes it is going to mean taking some risks emotionally...but we all need some calculated risks so we can grow.

[mcajimat]

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