[Letsgo1]

Ok so hopefully someone here can help me out. Now I know ultimately I'm going to have to talk to her about this (again) but I'm hoping I can figure something out before I have to do that. So here's my situation.

I'm having a problem with affection from my girlfriend (7 months) and frequency of sexual intercourse. First let me state when we do have sex it is great. I absolutely love her body I love performing oral on her every chance I get. But it seems its way more important to me than her. We see each other pretty much every weekend except the only time we can have sex is when she comes over to my place because she lives with her parents. So I understand sometimes its tough if I stay with her for a weekend. But when I bring it up after not having sex for a week I get "is that all you think about" or something to that effect. It's not at all. But it is important to me. And when having sex with her my main priority is her satisfaction. I get off on that the most.

One important piece of information I can't seem to totally digest is her ex seemed to have a huge problem being affectionate with her. Being sexual with her was almost non existent. Which I found out early in our relationship and I assured her would not be a problem with me. Now over time it seems like she is hanging onto what that might have done to her. She has trouble cuddling with me, being really close, making out. She acknowledged this a few weeks ago that these problems existed and she was going to make more of an effort. Now the other night she brought it up again about how her ex treated her in a drunk tiff we had. I just don't understand how it seems to have creeped into our relationship. The problem she had is now the problem I have with her. I don't get it. I'm not saying sex between us is non existent but sometimes we'll go two weeks without. Which leaves me unsatisfied.

Now some valid complaints she might have are my confidence level. She points out I need more of it. I agree. I'm getting over the whole my penis is too small thing that was beaten into my head from past relationships and media ect. I'm fine with myself and from what I get she is as well. But I'll have to admit its hard to gain more confidence when your parter doesn't jump on your bones or initiate sex often. I'm the initiator and it sucks.

Listen, our relationship is wonderful. I'm dead set on making this woman my wife. We have plenty of fun with each other. We just planned a trip to the carribean. We know we have a future with each other.

With the information I have provided and hopefully I didn't forget anything important. What can I do to maybe spike her interest in upping the amount of sex we have? I don't want this to be a reoccurring topic when we talk so hopefully I can get some insight from a female perspective on what I might be able to do before we have this talk again.

Btw we are in our mid 20's. This woman means a lot to me and I love her deeply. Thanks.

[axise]

I know it might seem weird, especially since you're not engaged yet, but going to a couples counselor might be a good thing to do in this situation. It sounds like she has a lot of anxieties and hang-ups to do with her previous relationship that she hasn't quite been able to let go of, and while talking together about it is always a good idea, you may not be able to work out what to do without some professional advice.

Suggesting you see a counselor together may be a little hard, depending on how much stock your girlfriend takes in the social stigma of counseling (which is a rather sad convention). Just make sure you reiterate it's because you want to make your relationship work, and miss the closeness you could have. Don't mention the sex at first, because she may decide that's the only reason you want to talk to someone, when that's clearly not the case. Make sure she understands that you really do love her, and you want your relationship to be happy, healthy, and affectionate.

[Stillness]

I'm dead set on making this woman my wife.

Plan on dealing with lack of affection for the rest of your life. I hate to sound negative, but me and so many other people overlook this problem early on, buy homes, marry, have children and never overcome this issue. Once in a while there's a breakthrough with women when they hit a sexual peak, so there's that slim possibility in 15-20 years for you that your woman's hormonal change will mean more sexuality instead of less. There are tons of threads from men and women who deal with this. If it was dryness or just lack of libido, you could maybe figure out if it is birth control. But she's unaffectionate and is telling you you want sex too much. That sounds like a difference on a basic level - maybe even philosophical on top of physical. It spells disaster to me.

I dealt with something similar before I married and thought that marriage would fix it. It did not. After almost 13 years of marriage it may be a little better through a lot of communication and patience...very little. I'm making it work because I believe in marriage. Also I love my wife dearly and she is truly a good person and a good wife. Even though I think she could pretty much do without sex, she never rejects me or complains - I think that's pretty cool. Once in a while she'll even come to me because I think she suspects she should. Her attitude makes it a lot easier to deal with the stark difference between her needs and mine. Also when we have it it's pretty great for both of us. But if something were to happen and I were to date again there's is no way I'd marry a woman who didn't believe in having and want to have a highly sexual and affectionate relationship. Some people simply do not. That's fine for them. If two people like that get together it's probably like heaven. I'd rather be single and celibate for life than deal with all the headaches of marriage and not get good lovin'.

Use the search feature on this site. There are literally thousands of posts about this issue. I really hope you think carefully about it. Also, if I was dating, what I'd do is ask what the expectations were for sex and affection. You can't foresee everything, but if a person tells you what they want and shows you who they are, believe them. I wouldn't tell you to leave her, but I will say there is absolutely no shame in breaking up over sex. It's a big deal and can mean great pleasure and joy or great frustration and a sense of being trapped. It could be better to cut losses early.

[Letsgo1]

*Stillness

I've thought about to myself before posting that what you had to say was a possibility. I think I'm caught somewhere in the middle. When we do have sex it isn't boring at all. She's down for anything and often we do a lot of kinky things. So I don't think I'm dealing with someone who doesn't want to be bothered with sex. I also remember her testosterone was high (so was her sex drive a tad bit) at one point and it was giving her bad acne. Now that's gone and shes on birth control I'm wondering if that might be affecting her a little bit. I mean it's just this one thing. She's smart, funny, a pleasure to be with, she has a good heart extremely beautiful but you know it's just this one thing. I'm pretty confident I can turn this thing around. I appreciate the comments so far hopefully I can get a few more then decide how I want to go about this.

[DreamP346]

Hormonal birth control is a huge culprite in many low libido cases. That may be why she doesn't want to be affectionate either, because she assumes it will serve as a green light to you about sex. Remember, desire and arousal are 2 different things. A woman may not desire sex, but once aroused, she can enjoy it. Vic versa, a woman may desire sex, but have problems getting physiciall aroused (lubrication, etc). See if your girlfriend can come off the birth control. Use condoms for the time being and see how that goes.

[Element]

She may need a different type of birth control. Or maybe even switching to take hormones. It's common in women to have to take hormones to help balance things out for them, my own mother does. Every individual has a certain level of hormones they need, the problem is finding a doctor who will look at you, and not just try to throw you in the box and say "well other people take it". If she's willing to go through it all, I suggest her seeing a doctor and reviewing her hormone levels and seeing if she needs any pills to help her body out.

[rcoreyus]

don't commit to a permanent relationship until you get this settled. Living with someone with a badly mismatched sex drive is really miserable. It becomes toxic to the relationship. I was in this situation for 25 years always hoping that things would get better - and constantly angry and frustrated. My wife constantly feeling pressured for sex and unloved. For reasons I still don't understand the situation suddenly improved and are lives are great now - but that was after 25 years. For many couples it never gets better.

[Stillness]

My wife constantly feeling pressured for sex and unloved.

Yes. My wife once told me that she wanted to die to release me from our marriage. She's not the dramatic type, she's not unstable, and it wasn't said in the heat of the moment. The problem, she said, was that she's not suicidal. It's sort of funny as I write it, but it was not a joke. It hurt me badly to hear that. She was feeling as trapped as I was. This issue can take you to some really dark places once you're locked into marriage.

There's a tendency on the part of the one with the greater need to think that love is enough or that you don't abandon someone you care about over something physical. What's ignored is the misery you'll cause them.

Hopefully both of our women catch whatever rcoreyus' caught, Letsgo1.

[Letsgo1]

Well I brought it up this morning over the phone. Blah. Didn't go well. Basically she said it was easier during the summer because she wasn't working. She's really busy now with work. It doesn't help she lives 50 miles away. So there's some distance. I'm trying to find a second job just to keep busy. Maybe that will help get my mind off of this. I mentioned how when she brings up that "it's all I care about" that it hurts my feelings because its not true. It's very hard for a man in his 20s that works out to have a low libido. Well if its the time of year for us that makes it more difficult then I don't know what to do. Part of me says that I should just man up and deal with it and try and keep my mind as busy as possible so I don't think about it. The other part says its not fair we've slipped into having sex only 2 to maybe 3 times a month. I know it's going to slightly affect my overall attitude. Having this convo this morning really took the drive out of me for the day.

[jns]

Work things out about sex and comments about it before taking the next step in the relationship.