[Sharpie]

Hi there,

I'm 20 years old and in a relationship with my 22 year old boyfriend. He's the second man I've dated and the first I've ever been sexual or just generally affectionate with. We've been dating for about 11 months now and while everything outside of sexual intimacy has been going fantastically, we're having issues in the bedroom. The problem is, is I can't seem to get comfortable being sexual and in turn thats both not allowing me to achieve orgasm or come close to it and its wearing us both down. He wants me to initiate sex more and be dirtier (I don't blame him, I wish I was that way too). He also wishes that I could orgasm. I haven't been able to come close any time he's tried to please me or whenever we've had sex. It does feel good and all and I enjoy it regardless, but its taking a toll on our relationship.

I'm wanting to figure out how I can become more of a sexual person, how I can become bold enough to initiate or say dirty things out of the blue or grab him (hes requested that I try to do all of those things more, but I always just psyche myself out by telling myself he's probably busy or not in the mood or just not knowing what to do after I attempt something). I just want to be able to become comfortable being open sexually like that. I don't come from a background where all things sexual were shunned, but I've never been a sexual person and I've never been like, I've never had a desire to want to be attractive or sexy or anything like that. I feel uncomfortable being called 'beautiful' or 'cute' or 'sexy' or anything that comments on how I look.

I feel like I've really missed the boat in anything relating to sex. Like, I should have figured all of this stuff out years ago. I feel like a failure because I can't just become comfortable enough with my own sexuality to start stuff, like I shouldn't have even begun a relationship with him because all I'm doing is not meeting his needs. Before meeting him, I always thought I would die a virgin, and I was perfectly comfortable with that thought.

The other part of it all is that I can't orgasm. At all. I can't find what turns me on enough or just in general and what feels good enough to make me finish. I wish he didn't care about making me finish because while it does feel great, whenever he's tried to please me, all I can think is that its not going to work and that I just wished he would focus on what feels good to him.

Its not that I don't enjoy the sex or anything, its just, its not as enjoyable once the thought of "I'm letting him down" pops into my mind. And its not that I'm not attracted to him. I am very much so.

Basically, I just want to know how to become comfortable being sexual and to become more, I wouldn't say dominate, but just issue out some sort of desire. And I want to know how to actually be able to orgasm for once. I feel terrible not being able to give either of those things to him, like he would be much happier elsewhere. A part of me feels like it'll never be solved and like sex will always be an issue between us. I'm desperate to figure this stuff out.

And if you need more information just say so. Thank you.

[Sharpie]

Can't seem to find and edit button, but I felt the need to add on that one thought that's come into my mind about not being comfortable or being able to orgasm is that I feel guilty being selfish or letting him know what I would like, because I feel like he might want to do something different or that it would be a wasted effort since there wouldn't be an 'end' to it. I feel like the sex should be all about him and his pleasure, doing what he would like. I feel guilty being on the receiving end, like I don't deserve the pleasure or having him focus on me.

[jns]

What are you doing to find what turns you on? What is he doing to turn you on? Are you masturbating or is he masturbating you? Is he giving you oral sex? Describe what he does and what you do. Just starting out, there is much you don't know about your own body. There is much he doesn't know, either. He will be able to have his fun much easier if he knows you had some fun, too.

[Sharpie]

I have and been able to orgasm while masturbating, using my hand, showerhead and toys, but whenever I masturbate with him, or he masturbates me, I just can't get close to climaxing. We've tried oral, fingering, being rough, biting, spanking and while it does feel good I don't ever feel like I'm going to climax, or even like I can completely let loose and get really into it.
I think the main problem is is that I don't know how to become more comfortable during sex. It feels good, but I can't let go of inhibitions and 'let' it be fun for me too. I still feel nervous and shake a bit whenever the focus is on me during sex or whenever I attempt to initiate. I really just want to be comfortable enough to where its natural to be sexual.

[jns]

I think you are on the right track with the additional information. Biting, spanking, oral, etc. are not how you orgasm by yourself.

Something that may work. Teach him what he has to do, by having him go through the same motions, with the same softness and pressure. Maybe latex or nitrile gloves and lube would work if his fingers are too rough. Then work on getting yourself in the mood and relaxing. Work on the music. Maybe have movies that you find sexually exciting playing. Have scents you like in the room. Then close your eyes and pretend you are alone and masturbating. I would think talking at this time would break the fantasy. Maybe guide his hand, but make believe his hand is yours. Lose yourself in building up the excitement. After you orgasm a number of times this way, you should be comfortable enough to let him in your fantasy as himself.

Then start working on oral.

[Sharpie]

I'll definitely be bringing that idea up with him. I know whenever he's tried things for me, it felt like I had to orgasm soon before frustration or boredom kicked in. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to give that a try, though I don't think he'll be wanting me to not think about him during it all.

[jns]

I think he'll be so happy and excited to take you through to orgasm, he won't let it worry him. For a guy who wants to give his SO the same feelings during orgasm that he feels during his own orgasm, giving her an orgasm is a big ego boost. As for you, thinking about him being there may be one of the things giving you a mental block. Of course, later when you are comfortable with him seeing to your pleasure, absolutely think of him.

[Sharpie]

Thank you for all the advice! I'm eager to give it a try. Certainly sounds that after doing that for a while sex will seem a lot less intimidating and I'll become more comfortable.

[Element]

I had much the same problem. My guy is the first and only I've ever been sexual with and being comfortable enough with myself, and in front of him took a bit of time. Explaining to him how it was difficult for me, what I was feeling; uncomfortable, nervous, exposed, unsure; this all let him understand that it was something that would take time for me to come around, so he knew it wasn't a "him" problem.

I found that laying in bed with him, both of us nude (this helped with the feeling uncomfortable and exposed; we're both naked so we're on even levels), and starting off slow helped to calm my nerves. We would kiss, I would guide his hand on how I liked to be touched. Then he got the idea of what I liked, and knew the parts of me to explore that would turn me on. I also found that kissing him and keeping my eyes closed help me to let go, so my mind doesn't go anywhere, I'm not looking at anything that would take my train of thought. The thing about women and orgasms is that if we think on it; it ain't gunna happen. So turning off your head and just feeling is a hard thing to conquer, at least for me it was.

[Sharpie]

It's always comforting to hear from someone else who had the same problem. I don't think we've ever been naked together out side of sexual situations and showers (where we mostly would just focus on getting washed up and not the fact that someone else was there), and after sex, the clothes always went back on almost immediately. It does sound like it'd help to at least first get comfortable being naked and slowing down what we do. He's experienced and has had multiple sexual partners while he's been my only partner. Thinking about it, aside from the first couple of times we had sex, any other time was really rushed with very little to no foreplay or anything before or afterwards. It sounds more appealing to go slow when I think about it and start small instead of feeling like I have to jump right into the actual penetration. I'll suggest trying to go slower and start at just being naked together.

It's a shame that orgasms seem to be more mental than anything. I know I ruin the mood for myself once the pressure of having to have one enters my mind, and it seems so hard to keep that thought out.