[chelpsyc13]

Hi all, I'm new here, just joined today. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 months. He's more experienced than me. Let me give some background on myself.


I was abused as a child. During that time, I got addicted to porn. I still look at it every now and then, but I feel like I don't need it anymore.
I keep reading in articles that if I don't know what I want or what I like, then my partner won't be able to figure it out. And that's just really discouraging me... I finally found my G-spot a few times while masturbating last year, but I've never orgasmed from it...I've gotten close maybe 2 or 3 times.

Now, my boyfriend and I started having sex 2 weeks ago, and he was my first. I have no regrets, I'm glad I gave it to him and no one else. I love him, even though it's only been 4 months...we fell in love with each other rather quickly last year. The problem is, though, that even though sex is enjoyable for me because I love him and I love the intimacy we share together, it's not exactly pleasurable. Last night, we tried different positions to find my spot, but we just couldn't. Then afterward, his mood seemed to really drop 'cause he's frustrated. He said that he doesn't know what I like and that he's frustrated 'cause it doesn't seem like I enjoy sex. I told him, and have told him before more than once, that I do enjoy sex with him and that I don't need an orgasm to enjoy sex. I told him that it will just take time for us to figure out what works for both of us. I mean I've only been active for 2 weeks, I'm not gonna have this all figured out that soon. I've read that it could take years, it takes practice.

I told him that I need more foreplay...literally every single time we've had sex, it's a quickie. There's no foreplay. I know that I need plenty of foreplay so that I'll become fully aroused, otherwise I won't feel anything when we look for my G-spot, 'cause it's supposed to swell up and get bigger when I'm fully aroused. But he said that a lot of foreplay is a turn-off for him. So I'm stuck here. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to ask for oral. He just wants intercourse and goes right for it. Just seems like the sex is more about him than me, but I've never been a good communicator; I'm not good at initiating anything sexual.

I'm trying to be patient about it, but I don't know how to "let go" during sex or be vocal or any of that. I told him I'll try to be more vocal during sex, but I just don't know how.
I also know that if I (and he) could just not focus on me orgasming and just focus on enjoy sex and enjoying each other, it'd be easier to end up orgasming. The more I think about orgasming, the harder it is to do it.

And he said last night that he thinks my previous porn addictions could be why I'm having a hard time orgasming I just feel like this is all my fault. All of this is what I was afraid of.
Should I tell him that he made me feel bad? I trust him and love him more than anything, but I don't know how to say that without him taking it personally.


Ugh I just don't know what to do. I want us to have a great sex life, but I don't know how.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

I think you should tell him how you feel and also explain to him foreplay is very important before sex for a woman and it is not fair that he does not think that it's important because it really is!
And not every woman can orgasm during sex and you need to keep trying without him pressuring you...

[chelpsyc13]

I think you should tell him how you feel and also explain to him foreplay is very important before sex for a woman and it is not fair that he does not think that it's important because it really is!
And not every woman can orgasm during sex and you need to keep trying without him pressuring you...

Well he told me last night that he's not pressuring me, but I think he's doing it without realizing it. Every time I see him frustrated, I feel pressured 'cause I feel bad. I feel like I'm letting him down.

And he knows foreplay is important for me as a woman 'cause I told him, but it makes him get turned off if there's much of it...so that's how I'm stuck.

I thought of suggesting just spending some nights enjoying each other's bodies and making out and touching, all that. Without the expectation of sex. I know we don't have to have sex every time we see each other. But as a guy, I know it'd be hard (maybe impossible) for him to do all of that with me and not expect sex from it, 'cause that's how guys are wired.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

Well it sounds like he knows there should be foreplay and he kind of seems like a selfish lover if he is just thinking of his self "because he gets turned off"so what if he gets turned off then he can do something for you like orally to make you happy not just himself and all guys want there girl to orgasm during so yes he may not know it but he is pressuring you..

[DreamP346]

There is definitely communication issues. You really need to be able to talk to your partner about your sexual needs. Doesn't matter how experienced he is, he will need some direction from you.

Next, you have only been having sex for 2 week! You are expecting too much too soon. Part of the excitement of a relationship is exploring each other and discovering your own and your partner's sexual pleasure. If you have amazing sex right away, what's there to look forward to.

Finally, your partner sounds like a selfish lover. How can he ignore foreplay when you clearly as for it. You guys can have sessions that is focused on your pleasure, or you can get him off first and then he focuses on your pleasure or you can enjoy not intercourse sexual pleasure. You don't need an erect penis to have good sex.

[chelpsyc13]

Yeah he said last night that he's willing to add in more foreplay, I just feel a little discouraged since more foreplay is a turn-off for him. And yeah I know I expected too much too soon, but what else would I expect when I grew up addicted to porn?

[rcoreyus]

I'm sorry about your abuse, and that of course might effect all sorts of things about intimacy for you. In this case though the issues you have could easily happen to someone who hasn't been abused. If I understand: When you have sex its always quick. He wants you to orgasm but looses his erection if you spend too long on foreplay. You enjoy sex even if you don't have an orgasm, but he feels inadequate - and I assume you would prefer to have one.

Many women can't orgasm just from quick sex. Its not all that unusual for men to not be able to maintain their erection for a long time.

So, one thing to try is to sort of take turns. Sometimes have sex the way he enjoys, no pressure on him, you don what he likes and he doesn't feel he needs to do things for you. Then other times its your turn. He spends lots of time and does what you want. If he looses his erection then he pleases you in other ways - mouth, fingers, or toys if you like. There are lots of things he can do for you that don't require an erection.

Over time you will discover what each other likes, and these one-direction sessions may well become much more mutual.

[time2discover]

Please don't feel inadequate after 2weeks! I met my husband at 16 and truly figured myself out
at 40. Today, with forums and open discussions we can help discover ourselves alot faster(good thing),
but still it's a learning process in the bedroom. Discovering each other a little at a time should be the
best part and not a final exam where you worry about your score.
I agree with rcoreyus, take turns and turn this into a game. The end result will come when you least
expect it and aren't actually looking for it. Enjoy yourselves!

[chelpsyc13]

Thanks y'all. How can I boost his ego, though? He feels just as inadequate as I do 'cause he can't get me to orgasm yet...and he has 12 more years of experience than I do. I'm not great at dirty talk (makes me really uncomfortable too), so that's out. What can I do to help him feel better and less discouraged?

[time2discover]

Believe me the worst thing you can do is act a certain way because it is what you think
you should do. I'm not very expressive myself and could never speak dirty or make loud
noises. It just didn't feel natural. I have opened up verbally but within how I feel not as
is expected of me. We can't all be the same. Be yourself and let him know that it's not
your lack of pleasure, just that you express it differently. For me it's more body language.
If he at least knows that, he won't be expecting something else. You will have to try
different ways until you figure him out too. I find with me, teasing him sexually and making
him linger a little(for fun) sort of makes him forget the rest and concentrate more on getting
me to give in. As a game of course, and he becomes the chaser which excites him. You'll
have to try different things and that will be part of the pleasure. They won't always work,
but then you move on to the next adventure with him.