[__s4mmy]

Ok, so I'll give you the lowdown on our relationship first and then the issues were having.
I have been with my husband for a total of 5 years, 1.5 years married. For the most part we have had an excellent sex life that has been pretty adventurous. (i.e. dressing up, blind folding, hand cuffs, sex toys, sex outside, public sex, lap dances, strip teases etc)

However, in the last two years I personally have noticed a major, major decline in our sex and it is most DEFINITELY not on my part. Everytime I try have sex with him he always makes an excuse, I'm tired, don't feel good etc. He has not once come on to me and tried to have sex with me. We have sex about 1-2 a month and only after I beg for hours, or have been reduced to tears the day before. I am so sexually frustrated and when we do have sex its always quick (15 minutes or so).

I started to feeling like something was wrong but never had proof. Then one day we were hanging out on the couch and I couldn't find my phone and wanted to google something. He tossed his phone at me and when I went on his browser it was already up on a site called suicide girls (its a soft porn site where the girls and pierced and tattooed.. which we both have and both like about each other) I got pretty ****ed off because the night before had been one of those where I had literally begged him for sex and he had been watching hockey on his phone before bed.. So either he went on it after I had gone to sleep or before I got up in the morning..

Ok, so we had a pretty big fight about it and he said he didn't have an account with the site he only read the public "interviews" on the site with musician. So being a good wife I said ok fine. I believe you. So I tried to let it go but my intuition told me there was more going on here. I did some things that I'm not very proud of but I felt like I deserved the truth and needed to know what the hell was going on. First, I made a twitter account and found he was following multiple porn stars all of which have links to video clips and nude photos on their page.. wasn't too impressed so I asked him about it.. his excuse this time was "they post random sex facts and really stupid comments, its entertaining" ok right.. do I really look that stupid? So I asked him if he was maybe masturbating and thats why we were having as much sex.. he swore no, he hasn't masturbated in "years".. so I let it go and said fine... but I still had that nagging feeling.

Then I went on his computer not intentionally trying to snoop just wanted to go on the internet. I was feeling a little narcissistic and decided I wanted to take pictures of myself on webcam.. lol.. so I went into his webcam photos and he had a crap load of pictures of himself masturbating.. like wtf right? So I sent the pictures to his phone and told him to stop lying about everything and tell me the truth.. when he got home that night he said he was sorry he was horny when I wasn't around and needed to relieve himself, and that he took pictures because he's "self conscious" of his size. Ok I guess I can appreciate that, so I asked him once again if he did or did not have a membership to that site.. he swore ON MY LIFE he didn't.. ok cool, gonna believe that right? But STILL I had that feeling, something is amiss.

So I was bad and starting snooping his phone every night when he went to sleep and finally one night in the middle of the night.. he got an email "so and so from suicide girls has sent you a private message". I was too angry to investigate before waking him up and flipping out. He admit to having been talking to other women on there but not in a manner that would bother me- but refused to let me see the message or his profile including any pictures/videos he posted of himself (you're allowed to post whatever you want NOT impressed with this at all). I felt so hurt and angry and cheated. I told him I was going to leave him. He started crying (for the first time ever in our relationship). He begged me not to leave. It made me feel really guilty, no matter how disgust and angry I felt with him. I told him I was willing to work things out with him but he had to delete the account and I wanted to see him do it, so he did. I just still have that feeling like he's hiding more.. is my imagination getting the better of me at this point? How do I know he wasn't meeting this women to have sex with them? I work long long hours and one weekend day.. there is time for him to do that. Or is he maybe masturbating too much to want to have sex with me? I don't know anymore, its making me feel like crap about myself, and I actually feel like I'm losing my mind over this.. am I doing something wrong? PLEASE help, I want to work things out with my husband so badly and want to restore our sex life. (Sorry for the long post just felt like everything needed to be out there to get the advice I need)

[rcoreyus]

OK, I have no objections to porn or masturbation as long as it is not interfering with someone's sex life. In this case though it IS. He is using porn instead of being intimate with you, and I think that is a very serious problem. Exactly what he was doing online (or even in the real world) with those women doesn't matter so much to me - the fact that he was in any way being sexual with them is a problem. His being sexual with them while ignoring your needs is a really big problem.

There is a good chance that he never met any of the women in person, and spam messages often have the form or "girl's name" saw your profile and wants to talk to you. Again though even if he hasn't done anything physical that doesn't make it OK.

It sounds like you had an exciting adventurous sex life - something many men only dream of having. What does he think he was missing?

I think you should center your discussions on why he is ignoring your sexually. No particular reason to press questions on what else he was doing since you don't know for sure. What you do know for sure is that he is ignoring you, and that is a big enough problem in itself.

[__s4mmy]

Rcoreyus:
Thanks for the advice. Porn was a non issue before but since our sex life has turn to complete s$&t I think that is why I am getting so worked up over it. It's not so much that hes watching it, it's that he's completely ignoring me to watch it.

I have tried asking him before what is missing and his response is nothing I'm just tired. So I told him if he was too tired to have sex I can understand that, I have felt that way before. I offer to give him oral instead and he said "ok" but has never once intiated it and when I've tried it's the same excuses.

I have tried not going for it at all and we didn't have sex for a month. I hate masturbating myself its soo boring, and I can get myself off so quick and easy that its not satisfying what so ever.

I want to point out that we are young I am 21 and he is 24. We have both also had other sexual partners prior to our relationship so it's not like I'm the only person he's slept with. I don't feel like I am unattractive I am 5'9" and a size 6 so I can't see it being an issue of being turned off by my physical appearance.

Should I try asking him again what's missing? I told him I was open to try anything we haven't tried yet and retrying anal which I didn't really like the other times we've tried, I just feel like I'm willing to do anything and even that's not enough.

[Caussie]

s4mmy, I have no direct answers to the problem, but from my point of view I would like nothing more than for my wife to be as open and willing as you are. For me personally, I could masturbate that day and still be ready for the real deal. To put the shoe on the other foot, why don't you try to ignore the fact that you want sex with him. Take matters into your own hands to relieve the tension and wait for him to ask the question why. Once he feels like he is not in control of the situation his attitude may change considerably, if not then the source of the problem may come to a head. I have been married 15 years and can tell you from experience that relationships and sex have there ups and downs. Its something you have to constantly work on and adapt along the journey. In my opinion, the porn he is looking at is not such a big deal, it doesn't matter where your appetite comes from as long as you eat at home! If he has been with these women then I think you have a problem and I would kick him to the curb.

[__s4mmy]

Caussie: thanks for the input you have some very valid points. Maybe I will again try to ignore my urges and basically just see how long it goes on for. It just sucks to feel like I'm doing everything I can think of and it's not good enough.

If that doesn't work though realistically what would my next step be? Leaving him? I don't know how far that w

(And trust me if I find out that he has sleep with anyone else I will be out of here so fast, f$&k that!)

[__s4mmy]

That would get me. Then I would definitely not be having ANY. Sorry post went screwy!

[Guest]

hi _s4mmy

some men like 'dirty talking' ,, u must be aware of FB fake accounts, dirty talking with random girls

he will change coz thats so boring after sometime

afterall masturbation is noway near real penetrative sex,

but i shud tell even if he does that he shud satisfy ur needs

[dyunysus]

Hi_s4mmy! I must say i sympathize with you. As a man who has been on the other side of this line, let me tell you this. My wife had no interest in sex for a long time (about 2 yrs) we were lucky to have sex once a month. I felt so cheated because we were both only 26 at the time if memory serves me. If you want him back it is not an easy fix. The number one thing is he needs to be open and honest with you about what turns him on and what you may be doing that turns him off. Sorry to put it that way, but if he was a very sexual person before and he is not initiating now, something changed.

For me and my wife it was easier, we had kids so she thought of herself as a mother and didn't think of herself as an attractive women anymore. This was likely because she gained so much weight. However if you are a size 6 i can't see that being a problem for you. Maybe he thinks he can't satisfy you. (It happens!)

His preferences in women may have changed as well. As a younger man i was more attracted to thin women, now i prefer a women with a few extra pounds. Bottom line is he needs to stop being evasive and just tell you what is bothering him and why he does not feel like having sex with you. Maybe he has a fantasy he is scared to tell you about. I can tell you if i was him i would have no problem what so ever. My wife may be bigger now, but i still find her very attractive. Yet i would still like here to initiate more,LOL!

Good luck and i hope it works out for you.

[__s4mmy]

Thanks for the advice guys!

Don't worry I don't take offense to "what may be turning him off" I understand that completely!

Do you have advice as to how I can get him to open up to me more about why he doesn't want sex, what may be bothering him etc? Can he really be THAT tired?

[MDM]

my advice is set and deeply talk about sex and what turns on both of you. I am a husband and believe that he really loves you so much and did that for fantasy,which for some reasons he may felt shy to tell you about. For me I only enjoy watching porn if my wife is with me and does too. We watch maybe once a year only. Sometimes I had to create an email and send her spam porn clips or story to get her turned on. If I felt she wants sex after the email (she never intiate sex, but I could hardly tell), It would be the best sex that night after the email.

I enjoy seeing her so hot and turned on, without that I will have sex with very less joy.

Finally, I think he realy loves you and we all do mistakes ,but still truly love each other. And such issues should make relations stronger and more transparent if well handled.

Thank you,
MDM