[MrGarvin]

I have lots of male friends with wives who have almost no interest in sex. Lots. I wish I were in their position. My wife has a reasonable interest in sex, comparatively, which is to say, a few times a month, but, and here's the rub, she'll frequently just shut down right in the middle of it. (I'd much prefer someone not even starting than rejecting you during it.). For instance, we might seemingly be having a good time and/or she's already 'finished', and then she'll just quit. Upon investigation, she'll just say that she's just not into it today, perhaps had a bit too much wine, or whatever. (Not into it? she was up until she finished.) She's nice enough to say it's OK if I keep going, but why would I want to keep at it with someone so clearly NOT into it? I don't want to force someone into something they're not into... And I don't want her to fake it...if it's not working for her, I'd hope she'd say something so I can satisfy her.

Now before you hurl insults at me about being a self-centered guy or a selfish lover, let me assure you, I'm a very attentive lover. I'm patient, understand that men & women are wired differently, set the mood with a candlelit dinner, wine & music in front of the fire. I'm adventurous, try different positions, oral, manual, you name it to insure she's satisfied. I'm open to suggestion, if there's anything she's looking for.

Sure, like any couple, we have our marital issues. Communication could be better. Get on each others nerves like anyone, etc. I'm not exactly Walt Whitman (sp?) but I'm reasonably complimentary. But one would think that once you've reached the point of 'getting it on', issues about doing the dishes would be out of mind. (...and I'm the one doing the dishes...)

Perhaps I'm not as attractive as I think I am. I'm 45; not a spring chicken, but I'm also very fit; former collegiate athlete who now runs triathlons (& still have my hair. Ha ha) And though I'm no Keanno Reeves, I'm not far off. I'm not 'equipped' to such a degree one would mistake me for a porno-king, but I go to the gym almost every day and see men in the shower and to the best of my knowledge, I'm industry standard or slightly better.

Technique? Well, I've never been to a class or anything, but, as I said, I'm open minded, have a decent amount of experience, am attentive and surely have at least average or better skills. So, what gives?

If you're thinking this is a one-off incident and I'm over-reacting, let me assure you, I could provide a laundry list of similar rejections. From the run of the mill turn-downs to her climbing into bed with the announcement, “I'm not in the mood, by the way” before I've even done anything. Ever played strip poker? I have with my wife (just the two of us). Ever had the person you're playing with just set down the cards (while you're buck naked) so she could start watching TV...and just never get back to the game. Yeah, that's pretty demoralizing. That's happened a few times. I could go on all day with examples.

I've suggested counseling. She's agreeable, “if that's what I want” but doesn't understand why there's any issues as she says she's quite satisfied. In fact, she's rated our sex life as a B+ to an A and was genuinely perplexed when I gave it a D-.

So, I'm stumped. Given the above information, why would someone just quit right in the middle of it. I'm angry and bitter (now), but also open minded. Do I suck in bed? Don't think so, but I'm certainly willing to improve for us if I can. Is she having issues I can help with? Not sure, but am willing to try.

Thoughts?

[jns]

A lot of times women post about men who jump on for a few minutes, finish, roll over and go to sleep. They do not last long enough to get their woman fully aroused so she can have an orgasm. We usually say the guy is self centered and that he needs to spend time giving foreplay to get her at the same level so she can orgasm during sex.

Your case looks like it has the roles reversed. In addition it looks like she is the one in charge as demonstrated by her "get ready-go-stop" actions. With sex down to a few times a month, your desire for it puts you at her mercy. You have the same doubts that the women described above have. Try counseling, it might work.

[Stillness]

Welcome, MrGarvin. I just wanted to be clear, are you saying that after she climaxes she wants to stop?

[MrGarvin]

Welcome, MrGarvin. I just wanted to be clear, are you saying that after she climaxes she wants to stop?

Yes. She doesn't quit immediately after climax, but the clock is always ticking down.
I generally focus on her first, because if I climax first, she's much more likely to quit, even if I suggest continuing until she climaxes.

[Stillness]

Yes. She doesn't quit immediately after climax, but the clock is always ticking down.
I generally focus on her first, because if I climax first, she's much more likely to quit, even if I suggest continuing until she climaxes.

I think you identified the problem when you said you need better communication. I don't think it's your performance or your body that's the issue. I think that some people just have in their minds that certain things are OK and haven't really thought through how it affects others. Also, most men and many women are pretty much done after orgasm. Can you just tell her how it affects you so she can be a little more considerate?

Also, no one here is going to insult you or belittle you. Pleasurable sex is important. Some people have a natural chemistry in the bedroom, but even they need to communicate. Your wife's confusion reminds me of this one time I kinda blew up over something I was holding in that was frustrating me. I don't even remember exactly what it was, but what I do remember is my wife's words, "I thought everything was fine." She sounded so pitiful that it just melted away my anger. That's when I really learned that people can't read minds and even saying something once or twice is sometimes not enough to adjust tendencies that someone has spent a lifetime developing. I realized too that I had done her a disservice. It's not just about you. Your wife deserves to know how you feel.

[Lady Syrinx]

Communicat is key. I've learned that firsthand over the last year or so. My husband and I went thru a really bad period. For various reasons we stopped being a couple. I had very limited to no nterest on sex. Well, we had a long talk early last year. We're communicating like we did when we were dating. We met 20 years ago this month. And ever since both of us are amazed at at the stark change in the quality of our sex life.

[MAC1]

Tell her how it makes you feel when she quits during sex. Maybe if she understood how important it is to you, she'd make more effort to please you after she's had her O.

It could be she just doesn't enjoy sex much at all and even though she is able to cum.

[JonDoe]

You are definitely not alone. My wife doesn't like kissing or caressing. She either isn't in the mood, which is most of the time, or wants to get right to business. For many years, she wouldn't let me perform oral, but since then she gets frustrated if I start with passionate kissing anywhere else on her body, including her mouth. If I kiss her for more than a few brief moments, she makes a comment that kills the mood for me. After she has an orgasm, she is very aroused and wants me inside her, but as you said the clock is ticking, which can really ruin it for me. When we have time to spend together, and she is in the mood (2-3 times per month nowadays, which is 10 times more then the past few years) she has no problem with me giving her oral for 30 minutes or more, slowly teasing her into a frenzy, then I'm expected to be erect and ready for intercourse without any foreplay for me, and her mental egg timer is set for ten minutes, maybe less. If I'm not erect, she might give a few quick tugs, and then she gives up. She will even leave the room, go downstairs leaving me lying there naked to complete the task at hand. As a result, over the course of our marriage I have gone through spells where I cum too quickly for my preference or not at all.

As others have said communication is key, which I agree if she is willing to discuss it like a loving partner who genuinely cares that your intimacy needs are satisfied.

[CheekyNess]

Okay, I've read your post, and am going to reply without ready any of the other replies, so maybe this is going to be info that has already been given to you.

Things that could be wrong:

1. She's not as happy as she says about yours and her sex life. Really, how do you go about telling a person that the quality of sex is just really not up to snuff? Trust me, I'm there with my husband, and while I drop little hints about our differing styles, etc., I can't bring myself to say, "honey, you're awful in bed, and I have no desire to sleep with you"

2. Maybe she's overworked at work. Work stress is mostly just that, work stress. You deal with it during the day, and leave it at the office before going home. But, maybe she has more on her plate than she really can handle. Does she have the type of job that can't be left at work (teacher, for example)?

3. Maybe she's overworked at home. A lot of women I know (myself included) think it's sexy when a man helps out around the house. Do you just jump into a chore without being asked, or does she usually have to hound you to help out? This is a big thing for me, as I got married not because I loved hubs more than anything and couldn't live without him; I got married to make life easier. Has it gotten easier? No, it's gotten harder because I have to hound and hound to get him to help. That takes a toll on our sex life as well, because after working all day, and all evening, then going to bed later than I (we) should be, I have no energy for sex. Perhaps your wife's energy levels aren't at all what they appear to be?

Other than that, I'm really not sure. I'm sorry if this sounded a bit harsh, but I just wanted to give you the perspective from someone who is in much the same boat as you and your wife!

Take care, cheers, and much luck to you! :-)

[effy2014]

Most women shut down sexually because the relationship isn't right. It usually has nothing to do with how you age, what great techniques you use or how many triathlons you can complete. Great sex is part of a great relationship -- one in which both partners want to please the other as much as they want to please themselves.

It seems from your explanation that the giving part has ceased -- at least on her part. I am sure she can identify ways that you could be more giving (usually for woman it's outside of the bedroom). The question is why has it stopped? That requires communication and honesty. Therapy can really help if both parties are willing to change for the benefit of the relationship.