[freehugs1985]

Hi, I have been married for about a year and a half now. We were together for about five years before we got married. In the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of sex, but that fizzled within 6 months. I have always felt like I have a higher sex drive than him as I would want it more than he would, but out of pride I felt uncomfortable or un lady like to make the moves on him. I stayed with him for other reasons, he is VERY sweet, intelligent, giving (in his own way), and affectionate (always touching me, massaging me, telling me he loves me, cuddling, etc.). He just never really seems to desire me sexually, when he does want sex it is usually in the morning on a weekend when he wakes up with a boner. When that happens (maybe twice a month), it really doesn't last very long, so I just kinda feel used and unsatisfied. I hardly ever orgasm, how can I if the sex lasts a few minutes and no foreplay? Once in a while he will go down on me (once a month if I am lucky), and that is the only time it is great for me. I have stopped giving him oral even though he loves it because I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like I am going crazy, I think about my sex life all the time, I even fantasize about other men. I don't want to brag but I do want to give full information - I am an attractive young woman (27) - which makes cheating a temptation which I have to push aside, as I do get a lot of attention from men.

Now, you must wonder why I married him, I love him, he is a great man (besides this problem) and I know there aren't many of them out there. I have talked to him hundreds of times about this issue and how it bothers me so much, and he has promised to "work on it if I work on it too". I ask him if he is attracted to me and he says "Of course, you are silly, I wouldn't be with you unless I am". He tells me that his high stress job (lawyer) leaves no room for desire or sex when all he wants to do when he comes home is unwind. He says that weekends are the only time he can even think about initiating sex, which doesn't happen every weekend. He says that sex isn't the most important thing (true, but it is important). He also tells me that my attitude toward him makes him not want to be intimate with me (my attitude due to this sexual frustration - I admit it's effecting the way I treat him). However, if my attitude is so bad, how can he cuddle with me and tell me how much he loves me but not show it sexually?? I don't get it. He says the solution is for me to be "warmer" and "sweeter" toward him, and that if I want it more I should initiate because he is too stressed and tired all the time. The problem is that I am so resentful at this point, that I don't want to initiate and I admit I am mean to him sometimes. I admit, I can initiate more and that is something I should try to do without feeling uncomfortable but am I being too proud if I want my husband to "want" me??

I am so sad, I keep myself up at night dwelling and crying over this. I just want to feel sexy and wanted by my husband and not have to be the aggressor and push him to have sex with me if he isn't interested. I think about divorcing him, and the thought of divorcing such a sweet man over sex makes me feel so guilty, so horrible. I don't know what to do...my deepest worry is that this gets worse after we have children. I don't want to cheat, so please don't suggest this. I don't want him to take some drug for this that can cause all other kids of issues. What can I do? Please, any advice is welcomed.

Some more info: He just quit smoking pot ( I finally gave him an ultimatum because I feel this makes him lazy). He had a history of watching lots of porn (although not since I have known him). The relationship he was in before me was all about sex, she apparently gave him blow jobs all the time...I don't want to have to do that for my husband to want me sexually. Am I being difficult?

[J!nX]

Hey there,
I'm going to start by analyzing a few key things that you said in your post that I have comments on.

In your first paragraph you mentioned the prospect of cheating, something which you claimed was a temptation which you "push aside". I'd like to note here that if cheating is a temptation for you then your sex life isn't the only problem. Cheating is never an answer if the solution doesn't involve causing unnecessary pain to the other party. Moving on.

In your first paragraph you mention your sex life fizzling within the first six months, an issue you should have been open enough with your partner to discuss then. You continue on to say that "out of pride I felt uncomfortable or un lady like to make the moves on him", an issue that is fundamentally flawed in how you approached it. But we'll get back to that idea in a second.

You say "Once in a while he will go down on me (once a month if I am lucky), and that is the only time it is great for me" yet you also explain that you "have stopped giving him oral even though he loves it because I don't feel like it anymore." To receive you have to be willing to give, and this is a fundamental note that we'll also approach shortly.

In your second paragraph you say A. "he also tells me that my attitude toward him makes him not want to be intimate with me (my attitude due to this sexual frustration - I admit it's effecting the way I treat him)" and B. "however, if my attitude is so bad, how can he cuddle with me and tell me how much he loves me but not show it sexually??" Now A is a perfectly understandable explanation. I understand your confusion in part B, but you're misunderstanding his issues with the situation. You are putting your sexual relationship on the same level as your emotional relationship, as where he is feeling the degradation of your emotional relationship and attempting to secure that one before moving forward with your sexual relationship. I'm not saying you're wrong, or even that he's right, I'm simply saying that your confusion about why he is able to separate the two is because he's trying to solve the foundation problem while you're trying to solve the problem on the 6th floor. You make one side of the structure heavier due to the problems in your sex life but he's trying to balance out the base instead of trying to remove the excess weight you're adding.

You continue on to say A "He says the solution is... that if I want it more I should initiate." B"The problem is that I am so resentful at this point, that I don't want to initiate and I admit I am mean to him sometimes." C"I admit, I can initiate more and that is something I should try to do without feeling uncomfortable but am I being too proud if I want my husband to "want" me??"

A. His solution if for you to take control, yours is what exactly? To get angry and upset? Have you tried his solution yet, since I assume you're here because you are lacking one of your own?
B. You resent him for something that you learned about early on in your relationship, something which doesn't effect his love and feelings towards you, and something that you won't try using the only solution that the two of you have come up with?
C. You are assuming that your husband's lack of sexual drive is related to his attraction to you, something which is both unfair and rude to do. You mention feeling uncomfortable, which again, is a fundamental element that is flawed, but we're gonna wait a little bit longer before approaching that issue just yet.

Your final bit of information is troubling as well.
"Some more info: He just quit smoking pot ( I finally gave him an ultimatum because I feel this makes him lazy). He had a history of watching lots of porn (although not since I have known him). The relationship he was in before me was all about sex, she apparently gave him blow jobs all the time...I don't want to have to do that for my husband to want me sexually. Am I being difficult?"
The marijuana is an issue that I'm not willing to discuss here, although I don't think that him maintaining a high stress job and showing you affection would qualify him as lazy, but regardless that is a different issue. If it came before you, 6.5 years ago to be exact, it isn't relevant and has no need to be discussed. And his previous relationship, again 6.5 years ago, is of no factor here, although your distaste (pun not intended) for giving oral sex is. Are you being difficult? Yes, extremely, unfairly, and most of all painfully difficult.


Now to finally address those issues which I kept mentioning I eventually would. Your sexual courage.

You have grown up in an environment that has allowed you to think of yourself sexually as somehow impure. This is the basic flaw that you continuously ignore. I could write you a nice paper on female sexual liberation, or human sexual liberation for that matter, but neither you nor I actually care enough to sit here for that. So we'll keep it simple.

You want sex? Take sex. Done.

That is it. Simple. Your excuses, your embarrassment, your apprehension are all unfounded and plainly stupid. Your own husband has told you to initiate and yet you're sitting here having to read it from a complete stranger. You know nothing about me, yet I know more than I deserve to know about you. I'm a 21 year old male. I ended up on your post through a google search gone wrong and my thumb hit the wrong button on my phone, yet I took the time to make an account because I see a need in your words.

You want him to give you oral sex? Give him oral sex. Give it to him again. Ask him to give it to you. Give it to him again. Ask him again. If he's not willing to give you oral sex after you give it to him, sit on his face while you give it to him. It's honestly not that complicated. If you don't feel courageous enough to outright tell him or to initiate physically, send him a text or write him a note telling him to remove his clothes and lie naked on the bed. YOU have to be willing to write a note to save your marriage.

Sex? Begin him with oral sex once you've established a mutual system, allow him to reciprocate the act, then move into sex. It's honestly not that complicated and it's frustrating to have to type this rather than simply telling you in person. GRAB HIS ****. He wants you to initiate and the only thing holding you back is some fear of seeming unladylike? There isn't a **** thing ladylike about child birth, yet a decent chunk of women manage that too. Periods are unladylike, and that is a pretty frequent event. Having diarrhea is kind of unladylike, but I'm sure you've accepted that as a part of life, right?


You came here with the title "Sexually Starved", yet you ignore the fact that you are sexually starving yourself. You have to learn to take some responsibility for your sexual pleasure. You need to learn how to A. sexually please yourself without a partner, B. sexually please yourself with a partner, and C. sexually please your partner. But not trying and then asking an online forum "am I being difficult?" is simply frustrating.

Sorry if this wasn't the reply you were looking for, but it's the advice I know how to give. You can't go through life expecting happiness, you have to be willing to make it, take it, and embrace it.

Good Luck.

J!nX

[freehugs1985]

Reply to jinx

Hi Jinx,

First of all, I would like to thank you for taking the time to reply to a perfect stranger's frustrating post.

I couldn't help but laugh at myself when I read some of the things you had to say (mainly because I realize that I am being silly and immature about this whole situation). I know it sounds pathetic to post my issues on a forum for total strangers to read, but at the same time I am too embarrassed to talk about this to my friends...

I totally agree with the points you have made, and your blunt honesty is appreciated. I don't know why I have been so stubborn and unfair to myself, just because I want my husband to be the way I want him to be. I usually have good common sense when it comes to other people's issues, but when it comes to this I think I just couldn't see clearly. As lame as it sounds, you have helped open my eyes to what a brat I am being, and how I am the one hurting myself (and my husband).

I am going to take your advice and suck it up (literally haha), and just let my inhibitions go for the sake of my sex life and well being.

Thank you.

You are pretty wise for a 21 year old.

[Alexandra]

Jinx had some wonderful points, and I'd like to add a couple myself.

From what I read, I seem to gather that some of this is due to the fact that you feel things have changed. Once upon a time, your husband was all over you and giving you all the sexual attention you wanted. Now? The game has changed, and it has left you feeling unwanted. You've become bitter and resentful, and it's affected many aspects of your relationship, causing a huge rift between you two.

Once bitterness takes hold in a relationship, it's like the beginnings of a brick wall. Both sides get shut out. He's told you what he wants and needs, but you're hesitant. All this makes sense, and there is no judgment coming from my post when I say this:

COMPROMISE!

There's no way to fix this when you're in a deadlock. He wants to feel like you're emotionally closer? Snuggle up to him. Talk about your feelings. Ask him about his. And then? Yes, I'm sorry, but you may have to initiate for a little while. Show care and love, and try to combat the bitterness with communication. And for Fate's sake, he's your husband! This is the one man with whom you are permitted to tear off his clothes and ravage him. It's not unladylike; it's wifely!

Keep us updated.