[thecatlady]

I'm 24 years old and I'm really a late bloomer since the guy I am currently dating is the first I've ever dated or done anything at all with. Anyways, we had sex for the first time a bit ago and it was really painful for me.

He started out on top and it really hurt but I didn't say anything because I kind of expected it to hurt and didn't want to ruin anything. To his credit, he somehow realized he was hurting me and told me to go on top cause that would hurt less, which it did (but it still hurt). He asked me how it felt and I told him honestly that it just hurt. It wasn't at all like I expected; I had been really excited for it. I thought maybe I was just too nervous, so I tried to relax, but that didn't seem to help with the pain. Eventually, we just kissed and cuddled and neither of us came or got much (sexual) pleasure from it, I don't think.

He also tried fingering me and the direct pressure where he was applying it was so painful that I pulled away from it instantly and I think that kind of hurt him even though I didn't mean to at all. Not that he was doing it hard or anything at all like that, it just hurt for some reason.

Anyways, ever since then, he has never mentioned sex or acted like he was in the mood again. I tried to bring it up with him without seeming like I was accusing him of anything, and he just said something to the effect of neither of us having been in the mood since then. He is still attentive to me, but I feel like he's distancing himself a little bit and he's not as affectionate as he was before. Part of it is my fault since I have kind of avoided talking about it, too.

My question is kind of two-fold here: 1) is it going to be better the next time? like, not as painful? 2) how do I approach this issue?

[Harmony]

This is an extremely common occurrence - first time sex is a learning and exploratory experience (for both of you) and no two people are completely alike - so not only can we not predict exactly what will happen during the sexual experience, we cannot forecast exactly how we will feel and react after.

The pain you felt is very common for girls when they begin experimenting with sex, I think it is to do with first time nerves causing the muscles to tense and contract. This isn't just God gender discriminating either, the same holds true for men, the first time I attempted sex I couldn't maintain an erection, the first time I had sex I lasted about 20 seconds (30 if you include the time 10m seconds before I withdrew from her) and it took me a long time to get over the novelty of having sex before I managed to learn to manage my own excitement and concentrate on giving pleasure back. You may consider yourself a late bloomer, but while I didn't have sex until I was 19 I was well into my mid twenties before I got a proper handle on what I was doing. I did have some very good sex with my first GF but 9 times out of ten she'd blink and miss it.

I'd say one of the most intimate things you can do with a partner is accept their virginity from them (I've given mine but never taken anyone's), and it sounds like your BF did his best but wasn't sure exactly what to do when things went off course - which they inevitably do. He's probably never done anything like this before, and there is often a lot of pressure on men since we feel like we should innately know 'exactly what to do' and we often feel that women expect that from us too.

The truth is many men actually need someone patient and sensitive enough to guide and teach them. We also need to learn to adapt to our different partner's needs and individual preferences. I've been with a fair few women and I can tell you will certainty that what flips Susan's switches wont always flip Sandra's.

My advice would be to bring this out in the open and clear the air with your BF, he probably feels like he let you down a bit and was secretly hoping he's be able to introduce you to sex by rocking your world and showing you what a great lover he is. If you can't talk then go out together for a couple of drinks somewhere quiet and take advantage of the alcohol to lubricate the conversation.

If you're lucky enough to have mutual attraction, compatibility, respect and love for each other then my advice would be to forget sex for now (maybe a week or two), take the pressure off each other (trust me I'm sure you're both blaming yourselves) and just go back to fooling around. I'll bet you'll have had sex within the next month.

[DreamP346]

Answer to first question - don't know. It may hurt, it may not. Each person is different and it may take you several tries before it get the hang of it. On the otherhand, you may have an amazing experience. You don't know until you try.

Second question - it is extremely important to communicate openly about sexual matters. Doesn't matter if its your first time or if you have been married for 40 years. You need to be able to talk about it. Set aside a time to talk. It shouldn't be during intimacy or at a time when the conversation will be followed by intimacy. Explain your needs and try to understand his. Tell him how that even though it was painful, you expected as much because many women do go through with it. But you really want to try again since you know that it can eventually be an amazing experience. However, at the same time, you need your boyfriend to understand that you are a novice at this and it may take several tries before you get the hang of it. And you would like him to be the guy that makes this journey happen. This will boost his ego and make him understand that it is a slow process at the same time.

The other thing to consider is that this may not be a sexual matter at all. People talk a lot about a woman giving a virginity to a man elevating the relationship for her, but we hardly ever discuss what it means to a man to have a woman give him that privelege. Maybe at the time he was really excited about the idea of being your first. But now that it has happened, its taken the relationship to a level he wasn't quite prepared for. Once again, communicate is key here.

[Euphoric]

tcl,

Part of the pain issue could have been caused by improper lubrication. If you aren't aroused AND wet, the friction created by finger or penile penetration is going to cause pain. Sometimes our mind is in the mood, but our body isn't quite as ready as the mind. Try using a lubricant (astroglide, k-y jelly, etc) when you are ready to try again. It may be less painful if he uses a lubed finger to penetrate you first, to help settle the nervous and anxiety. Once things are progressing to a state of arousal, lube up his penis before he attempts to penetrate you.

[Harmony]

The other thing to consider is that this may not be a sexual matter at all. People talk a lot about a woman giving a virginity to a man elevating the relationship for her, but we hardly ever discuss what it means to a man to have a woman give him that privelege. Maybe at the time he was really excited about the idea of being your first. But now that it has happened, its taken the relationship to a level he wasn't quite prepared for. Once again, communicate is key here.

Very true.

All of the men I've spoken to (including me) viewed their own virginity as something that needs to be gotten rid of as soon as possible, something to be embarrassed of and something which, if you still have it, means you've failed to relieve yourself of it. I knew that these feelings and this view was irrational and not the case yet I FELT this way despite that. I can remember feeling a lot of peer pressure in my late teens before I started having sex.

For a man losing your virginity is petty simple, mechanical and (at least for me) was very quick. For most men/boys I'd say losing your virginity is as mixture of conquest, relief and juvenile sexual relief (since I was at my sexual peak when I lost my virginity, 19, and most boys peak sexually around their teens when they start having sex).

I've never heard a man admit to, get upset, or even express remorse because he thought he'd lost/given his virginity to the wrong woman. I probably 'gave' mine to the wrong woman, or at least not the ideal woman, but the sexual pleasure I derived, the relief of sexual frustration, and from peer pressure I simultaneously enjoyed meant I'd never even considered that until right now.
It's not fun being a socially inept (with women), immature teenager with a fully developed libido and no way to exercise it.

I think the younger and less experienced a man is, the more he expects women to view their virginity the way he does, and this is the problem. I think most men know more gentleness and caution is required, but it appears from some of the reports here men have little idea what to do when things aren't straightforward and a bump in the road is encountered.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the first time to be special, and I hope the OP's is. But first attempts, those leading up to the first time, are usually reflect the reality of life, where, despite the best of intentions things rarely go precisely to plan first time, and things aren't anything like they are in the movies.

To summarize I'd say a man's view towards taking a girl's virginity will of course, depend on the man. Men who respect women (and people in general) will likely be more sensitive and compassionate towards someone who is less considerate and respectful of others. While some men are more sensitive than others I'd say that the fact that sex is invasive for women is also what makes it a bigger deal, compounded with the risks of pregnancy etc.

As a man I'd aver that a woman losing her virginity is usually a bigger deal than a man losing his virginity for the reasons set out above. These also dovetail with the points I made above about men feeling that women expect them automatically to know what to do (plus the pressure we put on ourselves), and I suspect that this has a lot to do with it. No man wants to feel he has 'failed' to satisfy his partner, or that he cannot.

I can remember reading Element's account of losing her virginity which she kindly shared and it sounded like her partner dealt with everything particularly well, and I can remember commenting that I don't have any of the relevant knowledge he did.

Society is also to blame since there is pretty much zero detailed knowledge out there for young men and women about losing their virginity. when I was a teenager there wasn't any internet! I just gleaned what I could from books and magazines.

[Element]

I was 24 when I gave away my virginity. For the first half a dozen or so times, whenever he entered me, and at the end exited me; it hurt and I would flinch. Even with knowing it was coming, I just couldn't seem to brace enough for it. I think giving your body time to heal from it's first excursion would help to cease the pain. Also eventually you'll loosen up enough that you shouldn't be experiencing any pain. Like I said, it took me a little more than half a dozen times until I was all right and there was no pain whatsoever.

As for approaching this; well, with satisfying yourself do you encounter any pain?
If not, I'd say you two need to sit down and you need to explain to him what happens to the female body the first time around and with patience, gentleness and time; you'll be just fine.

Just remember; none of this is your fault. And you shouldn't feel bad about it. And he shouldn't be making you feel bad about it.

[jns]

Lubrication is one of the keys. Being willing to use extra lubricant to minimize pain and discomfort as much as possible shows maturity on the part of the guy.

I think many guys don't take enough care on using fingers to excite a woman. It may be because they don't realize how rough their fingers are and how tender the ladies are. This is one thing that experience, instruction and learning can make a big difference on.

[thecatlady]

Thanks for everyone who responded. Our relationship is somewhat complicated by the fact that it's long distance and we can't see each other as often as we'd like, but I think we are both at a good point right now. He actually did use his fingers first for a little bit, but that actually was way too rough, too. He was pressing directly on my clit and his fingers weren't lubricated and he just went right to the clit first, which I do not do when I pleasure myself. In fact, a lot of times, I don't even need to touch it directly at all. I just kind of rub on the skin over top of it, and that is enough for me. I should've told him that, I know, but I guess I figured it was all nerves or something like that. I did tell him at one point to move lower, but it wasn't because I get more pleasure from there -- it was because it was hurting too much when his fingers were on my clit :P.

Honestly, the kissing and cuddling that happened after turned me on more than anything and I think if we had done that first, I might've been more prepared for the sex itself. It wasn't a bad experience at all, though; I had a really good time. I think next time, we'll use some lube, though. Should help!

[a_dub]

It your BF's first time having sex also? If not, he's probably experienced this before in other girls.