[asoundanthesis]

Hello, I'm sexually active and 20 I'm a woman... I've been sexually active for not too long, but have found a partner with whom I feel emotionally comfortable with and physically as well. The thing is, when we have sex, things are pleasurable, and I almost reach orgasm, but never can. It's as if I'm walking up a hill and once I reach the top of it, I get on a treadmil and just cant get to the decline. This goes for both oral sex and vaginally penetrative sex. My partner is great at what he does and cares deeply for me as I do for him, but I'm thinking I must just have some sort of mental block that is keeping me from reaching orgasm? I'm not sure, but I'd like to be able to let my partner get me there. Also, during vaginal sex, I find I don't 'feel him' as much as I'd really like to. Perhaps that's how it's supposed to feel and I've just gotten the idea of sex too much from Hollywood. Yet if it doesn't feel like anything, why do other women seem to enjoy sex more than I do? I've had a few bad sexual experiences that were my first experiences, but I've found a partner now I feel comfortable with and treats me with respect and admiration in all aspects of our relationship. I just wanted to clear that up if that could possibly be a factor? I have pleasured myself during intercourse and have once gotten a result, but other times, I've found my clitoris gets too swollen to actually feel much pleasure from touching it. Is this something to be concerned about? I want to enjoy sex with my boyfriend more. PLEASE don't tell me that I am too young to be sexually active etc. This was my life decision to make and I'm simply looking for advice-- not judgment. Thank you so much!

[LizziB]

You're quite old enough - older than most girls these days! I'm in a similar position to you, I've never come through sex alone, and my bf has never got me there, even though he's tried very hard. I use my hand during sex to orgasm (easiest for me in reverse cowgirl position) and I also have a sensitive clit but find rubbing just above it works. Also we've tried a couple of small vibrators that fit around his penis, which feels good for me, though hasn't got me there, but you could try experimenting with toys. It used to really bother me, and I researched and so many people seem to reckon anyone can orgasm vaginally, but I know my body and have come to accept that I have to work within my limitations. hope you can get there, good luck with it!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi asound,

Can I ask you why your concern so much? I think that, that is important.. Our brains are amazing things, I sense you are either trying to please him and not being able to, or viewing your past feeling as if this is "it" but it's not happening or as you said, viewing Hollywood but I really would like to hear your answer before responding further.

Do you feel any pressure of "having to" with him, is another question.

Bare in mind most of this comes from our brain and whether or not we can feel sensuality within our selves and freedom of being who ever we want to be with our partner because they make us feel that way not just comfort with sex with that person.

[asoundanthesis]

You're quite old enough - older than most girls these days! I'm in a similar position to you, I've never come through sex alone, and my bf has never got me there, even though he's tried very hard. I use my hand during sex to orgasm (easiest for me in reverse cowgirl position) and I also have a sensitive clit but find rubbing just above it works. Also we've tried a couple of small vibrators that fit around his penis, which feels good for me, though hasn't got me there, but you could try experimenting with toys. It used to really bother me, and I researched and so many people seem to reckon anyone can orgasm vaginally, but I know my body and have come to accept that I have to work within my limitations. hope you can get there, good luck with it!

such a let-down isnt it? :/

[asoundanthesis]

Hi asound,

Can I ask you why your concern so much? I think that, that is important.. Our brains are amazing things, I sense you are either trying to please him and not being able to, or viewing your past feeling as if this is "it" but it's not happening or as you said, viewing Hollywood but I really would like to hear your answer before responding further.

Do you feel any pressure of "having to" with him, is another question.

Bare in mind most of this comes from our brain and whether or not we can feel sensuality within our selves and freedom of being who ever we want to be with our partner because they make us feel that way not just comfort with sex with that person.

Before I'd had sex, I had a a few relationships in high school. There was only one person who treated me and my body with respect. The other boys I dated in high school didn't really find a relationship with me interesting as I wasn't putting out or because they thought themselves above me. Until presently, I always thought that those were the types of relationships that I deserved... That I'd done something wrong or I wasn't a good person enough to have someone who wanted to actually treat me like a person with feelings and someone just as equal as every other girl.

When I first started having sex, the person who took my virginity treated me as if I had no importance to him. He wasn't into foreplay so we didn't take part in that even at my request. While we were having sex he actually looked bored and never asked if I was okay and he wasn't exactly small. I spent all of our three sexual encounters laying on my back with my hands over my face and in pain and i felt ashamed of myself as I was pressured into having sex and didn't want anyone to be disappointed. It was really just a miserable experience. I don't regret making that mistake though- I've learned from it and can share my experience with other women before they make the same mistake.

I don't feel that way now. I really have no idea how I found myself the man I'm dating now, but he treats me better than anyone ever has. When we talked about sex, I was dreading it. I honestly thought that sex was just going to be like the other times I'd had it. I decided to try as I didn't feel pressured-- he let it be my decision to try or not. He wasnt as much of a virgin as I was, so he had a better idea of what to do, how to help me, and most importantly, he was patient, kind, and was constantly asking how I was as far as pain and how I was feeling mentally. I learned that sex wasn't something to be scared of, but from that I learned that the guy who took my virginity didn't have any respect for sex and that was what I'd experienced so I somehow adopted the same philosophy-- which was wrong and in the process I disrespected my body and my values. Sex is an activity to be shared between two people who completely consent and want to be together and experience the 'ultimate' form of physical closeness and in turn, emotional connection. I've actually started to enjoy sex with my current boyfriend, but I feel as if I'm not feeling as much as I'd like to when he enters me. I feel friction, but miss the feeling of him, basically. Like I said, I can get close to orgasm with him, but it's almost impossible to let go to experience the orgasm that I know is just waiting for me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Before I'd had sex, I had a a few relationships in high school. There was only one person who treated me and my body with respect. The other boys I dated in high school didn't really find a relationship with me interesting as I wasn't putting out or because they thought themselves above me. Until presently, I always thought that those were the types of relationships that I deserved... That I'd done something wrong or I wasn't a good person enough to have someone who wanted to actually treat me like a person with feelings and someone just as equal as every other girl.

I wish things changed as each era changes but I think it gets worse, or maybe the same, cave men days comes to mind you know? When we are teenagers, we feel exactly that why don't they want me? Treat me right? Because, unfortunately boys are boys, their aim and goal is to score and if not, they will make you feel bad, you aren't good enough it's called ego. Yet fortunately you had one guy that showed you different. But, you need to understand how the mind of a boy thinks, he is 4 years your junior mentally, to start with and he is still a boy, has no idea yet about relationships and what constitutes it. If you can understand that, you can let go of what didn't happen and why and be proud of yourself.

and how I was feeling mentally

.

What a beautiful guy, what he knows is what I said. He is well aware that you are hurt and feel hurt and knows that intimacy and letting go comes with letting go of the past only then can you trust the person you are with and allow yourself to be sensual and know your body, and say pftttt and just be.

I learned that sex wasn't something to be scared of, but from that I learned that the guy who took my virginity didn't have any respect for sex and that was what I'd experienced so I somehow adopted the same philosophy-- which was wrong and in the process I disrespected my body and my values. Sex is an activity to be shared between two people who completely consent and want to be together and experience the 'ultimate' form of physical closeness and in turn, emotional connection. I've actually started to enjoy sex with my current boyfriend, but I feel as if I'm not feeling as much as I'd like to when he enters me. I feel friction, but miss the feeling of him, basically. Like I said, I can get close to orgasm with him, but it's almost impossible to let go to experience the orgasm that I know is just waiting for me
When I first started having sex, the person who took my virginity treated me as if I had no importance to him. He wasn't into foreplay so we didn't take part in that even at my request. While we were having sex he actually looked bored and never asked if I was okay and he wasn't exactly small. I spent all of our three sexual encounters laying on my back with my hands over my face and in pain and i felt ashamed of myself as I was pressured into having sex and didn't want anyone to be disappointed. It was really just a miserable experience. I don't regret making that mistake though- I've learned from it and can share my experience with other women before they make the same mistake.

You didn't dis-respect your body, rather you got mad and decided to allow yourself to lose your virginity, in hope that solved the problem with boys... We all have done it, well at least alot of us. And, you continued to do so in hope to find someone that actually loved you, shared the emotions, desires and love. But they took.

Please don't even feel bad you are right in the way in which you see sex.

You are right in the way in which you have accepted your experiences.

And, you are right, you have someone you can share your inhibitions with and that is the word. He appears to me to care, know you are hurt mentally of the past.

My advice to you and anyone reading.

Given I am older than any of you and have been there

IS to let go of the past and go "shirt, I was young I was working it out" to "I am now all woman and will feel OK with sharing, giving being intimate and allowing this partner to see me, who I am now, not what I am afraid of the past over, as it is past.

You deserve to mentally move on now , yes, we learn.

We are all woman at some stage, congratulations you are almost there trust him and let go of the past..

Then it won't hurt as you are trying too hard but without the beauty of today's feelings but yesterdays thoughts.

(hugs)

CW

[asoundanthesis]

Thank you! very very much!

[Element]

My man is my first and only love and sexual partner, and it took me a while to let loose and let my body enjoy sex. It's a new experience, something that hasn't been done before, it's not mastered on the first round. There is so much out there that can be explored; and that's a part of the fun. Each sexual encounter is something new, whether it's going slow, more foreplay, toys, new positions; sex can be an adventure. And when it's shared with someone who respects you, has ethics, cares for you and looks out for you; it's meaningful, there's depth to it. I feel connected to my man, I feel our love; even when it's more carnal than love making. It's a special right that we only have with each other.

With time you'll learn to get your mind to shut up, and listen to your body. Sometimes one position will get you going, and switching to another position will help you finish. Sometimes rough and fast hits the spot. Then there's time that slow and sensual will do it for you.

[Lady Syrinx]

My man is my first and only love and sexual partner, and it took me a while to let loose and let my body enjoy sex. It's a new experience, something that hasn't been done before, it's not mastered on the first round. There is so much out there that can be explored; and that's a part of the fun. Each sexual encounter is something new, whether it's going slow, more foreplay, toys, new positions; sex can be an adventure. And when it's shared with someone who respects you, has ethics, cares for you and looks out for you; it's meaningful, there's depth to it. I feel connected to my man, I feel our love; even when it's more carnal than love making. It's a special right that we only have with each other.

With time you'll learn to get your mind to shut up, and listen to your body. Sometimes one position will get you going, and switching to another position will help you finish. Sometimes rough and fast hits the spot. Then there's time that slow and sensual will do it for you.

Element, I agree with your comments about love and respect.

My man and I met in high school but he was completely unlike most of the guys who went school with me. We were set up o n a blind date by friends he went to school with my friend's boyfriend. I was the proverbial Catholic school girl dating a public school guy. He was the first guy my age I met who wasn't completely sex obsessed.

The timing of our first time was based on my clock not his. He never tried to pressure me into it like guys often do. In fact we were together 14 months before our first time.

Everyone I knew who'd had sex told me about the bleeding and pain, so I'd prepared for the worst. Surprise!! I turned out to be the other side of the coin, no pain, no bleeding. I guess I was just lucky. We were both virgins so I thought there'd be some pain due to his inexperience.