[Catinthe]

Hi everyone. I'm nineteen years old and lost my virginity when I was 17 with a boyfriend I loved. However, I had engaged in other sexual activities with various other guys from the age of fourteen.

I've always had a bit of a problem with my sexuality and the more I think about it, the more I worry that it has affected and will continue to affect my sex life in the future. I have known how to masturbate for a long time, and I started occasionally watching porn and masturbating from my early teens. Reaching orgasm was never a problem for me in this respect so I can rule out that array of problems.

However, when it came to real life sexual encounters with real people, with some guys I simply did not get turned on, wet, or feel any real sexual urge. (I can probably say I simply wasn't comfortable enough with these guys). Then, when it came to my last boyfriend, he would be able to turn me on and I enjoyed sex with him but it was never the same kind of intense arousal I feel when masturbating, neither did I ever orgasm over two years with him. Sometimes I'd get turned on, he'd start touching me or we'd have sex, and mid way into it I would just dry up and it wouldn't be very enjoyable for me at all. I loved him and was sexually attracted to him, so this is a mystery to me.

Another strange thing - I know that I am 100 percent straight and have never had doubts about my sexual orientation. But pretty much as soon as I began having sexual encounters with guys, I found it harder to watch straight porn and preferred lesbian porn. It almost feels like I'm scared to attach emotion to sex OR that I'm somehow ashamed of my sexuality, but I'm really not sure. All I want is to have a normal sex life... Has anyone ever felt this way, or can anyone help me?

PS: this is intensely personal for me, I have NEVER talked to anyone about it.

[rcoreyus]

You may be right that you are uneasy about the emotional attachment that comes with sex, or aren't comfortable relaxing enough with a partner. There is a huge amount of trust involved in sex, and it could be that you have trouble trusting people - or maybe have your boyfriends not really been worthy of that level of trust?

Maybe straight porn reminds you are your issues with intimacy with men? Lesbian porn stays safely in the realm of fantasy so you can enjoy it without feeling stressed? Also, fantasy and real desires are completely different - I think it is not uncommon for people to fantasize about something (say lesbian sex, or bondage), that they have no interest in doing in real life.

Most men your age are not very sexually experienced, or expert, and your partner may not be doing a good job of making you comfortable either.

You are still young, and I think its pretty common for women and men your age to not be comfortable with sex. All I can suggest (and I'm in no way a counselor, so take advice on the internet for what it is worth...), is that you try to relax and limit your sexual activities to things that you are comfortable doing. Do you get uncomfortable with all sexual activities, or maybe only with some particular things?

[Catinthe]

You may be right that you are uneasy about the emotional attachment that comes with sex, or aren't comfortable relaxing enough with a partner. There is a huge amount of trust involved in sex, and it could be that you have trouble trusting people - or maybe have your boyfriends not really been worthy of that level of trust?

Maybe straight porn reminds you are your issues with intimacy with men? Lesbian porn stays safely in the realm of fantasy so you can enjoy it without feeling stressed? Also, fantasy and real desires are completely different - I think it is not uncommon for people to fantasize about something (say lesbian sex, or bondage), that they have no interest in doing in real life.

Most men your age are not very sexually experienced, or expert, and your partner may not be doing a good job of making you comfortable either.

You are still young, and I think its pretty common for women and men your age to not be comfortable with sex. All I can suggest (and I'm in no way a counselor, so take advice on the internet for what it is worth...), is that you try to relax and limit your sexual activities to things that you are comfortable doing. Do you get uncomfortable with all sexual activities, or maybe only with some particular things?

Thanks so much for your reply! Really appreciated. I think you're definitely right about the lesbian porn staying in the realm of fantasy, and I think many of the points you made are valid and probably have an affect on the way I feel. I'm not uncomfortable with having sex or foreplay per se, I enjoy it - for instance I always loved giving my boyfriend oral sex - I think perhaps it just comes down to not being able to fully express myself/let go sexually, combined with lack of experience on the part of the guy. I'm not 100% comfortable with my naked body so that probably comes into play too. I just really want to be able to let go, get aroused and experience the orgasms I know I'm capable of experiencing. Any advice on how to let this happen?

[rcoreyus]

I hope others will weigh in on this.
"not comfortable with your naked body" can mean different things, I'm not sure which you are intending: You don't think you are attractive enough? You are just "shy" about someone seeing / touching you? You are not comfortable being naked in general? You are worried about your partner's reaction to your nakendess? You aren't comfortable asking your partner for what you want?

If it is the last, at least be aware the most men are very happy to have their partners tell them what they want. Men are not born knowing what women enjoy - and different women like different things. If you don't tell them, it can take a lot of trial and error to find out. Any man who is to insecure to have a woman tell him what she likes isn't someone you want as a partner anyway.

I think that sex means different things to different people. Some are happy for just the physical sensation, to others the emotional bonding is very important. If the emotional connection is important to you, then it absolutely needs to be with the right person, with someone where you already have a deep emotional attachment. Nothing wrong with either: its fine to have sex just for the physical pleasure, and its fine to want it to be part of a real attachment (or sometimes one sometimes the other), but I think it is important to understand what really matters to you.

[Catinthe]

I hope others will weigh in on this.
"not comfortable with your naked body" can mean different things, I'm not sure which you are intending: You don't think you are attractive enough? You are just "shy" about someone seeing / touching you? You are not comfortable being naked in general? You are worried about your partner's reaction to your nakendess? You aren't comfortable asking your partner for what you want?

If it is the last, at least be aware the most men are very happy to have their partners tell them what they want. Men are not born knowing what women enjoy - and different women like different things. If you don't tell them, it can take a lot of trial and error to find out. Any man who is to insecure to have a woman tell him what she likes isn't someone you want as a partner anyway.

I think that sex means different things to different people. Some are happy for just the physical sensation, to others the emotional bonding is very important. If the emotional connection is important to you, then it absolutely needs to be with the right person, with someone where you already have a deep emotional attachment. Nothing wrong with either: its fine to have sex just for the physical pleasure, and its fine to want it to be part of a real attachment (or sometimes one sometimes the other), but I think it is important to understand what really matters to you.

Not comfortable being naked in general. Not super confident about my body.. But somehow I don't think it plays a huge part in everything else I've described.

Thanks for your thoughts. Would be great if others could contribute.

[shoshannah]

Can't really add much to rcoreyus--romance/sex with a partner is more complex than when you're solo. You have to "sync" with him and have good chemistry, and there's that subtle fear of unplanned pregnancy or what he will think of your naked body or your sexual skill. It's the flip side of the lesbian porn in that no relationship is really safe--you have to make yourself vulnerable physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

I think that as women we often buy into the sex object ideal of our culture and that it is all about looks. I'm not as comfortable as I would like being naked with my fiance either, although rationally I know that it's in my head and that he finds me attractive.

My guess is that with the right guy a comfortable sex life will be easier for you, if not immediately, then in time. But I would hope that it would be at least a little easier at first and that that would be a sign for you you to stay with the relationship and work on it and let it grow.

[Catinthe]

Can't really add much to rcoreyus--romance/sex with a partner is more complex than when you're solo. You have to "sync" with him and have good chemistry, and there's that subtle fear of unplanned pregnancy or what he will think of your naked body or your sexual skill. It's the flip side of the lesbian porn in that no relationship is really safe--you have to make yourself vulnerable physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

I think that as women we often buy into the sex object ideal of our culture and that it is all about looks. I'm not as comfortable as I would like being naked with my fiance either, although rationally I know that it's in my head and that he finds me attractive.

My guess is that with the right guy a comfortable sex life will be easier for you, if not immediately, then in time. But I would hope that it would be at least a little easier at first and that that would be a sign for you you to stay with the relationship and work on it and let it grow.

Yeah, you're definitely right. I suppose with time, perhaps with my next partner, I'll be more comfortable and let myself go...