[maryjayne]

This is a post about my boyfriend's lack of libido. We have been together for about 2 years and have lived together for a little over a year. I am 23 and he is 32, age is just a number and nothing more. We talk of marriage, children, buying a house, moving across the country - he is the one, no questions asked, there is just one problem, he has almost no sex drive. Like usual, in the beginning we had sex everyday, several times a day and as time passed things slowed down. It was not until we moved in together after about 10 months where the brakes seriously pumped. Even then, it was still 1-2 times a week and I am perfectly fine with that. Then it turned into once a week and then once every two weeks and was initiated by me more and more and more. The initial instinct of there must be someone else kicked in, we talked he denied it and flat out told me he has a low sex drive. He unfortunately had a very experimental portion of his life with many many drugs when he was my age but has not been a problem in years (ended well before he met me) which I have done some research on and it seems legit. It just seems as more time goes on, the situation gets worse and worse. Before it was lack of sex because he rarely initiated it and I would wait until he would, then it got to a point where I could not wait and I always initiated it. Recently, he has been turning me down when I try and initiate it! In the past 2 months, we have had sex 3 times! (I know compared to some people this is a lot of sex but I do not want to ever get to that point!)The excuses are, I don't feel good, I have to get up early, I am tired, nothing is going on physically or he just acts like he doesn't realize I am trying to start things (sitting on top of him in my panties isn't a clear enough sign?!) I honestly believe that he has a super low sex drive and it is nothing more than that but it just kills my confidence. Over the last year I have come into a role of a beyond stressful job, working 60+ hours a week, having time for nothing and have honestly let myself go. I have gained about 40 pounds and am lucky enough to be tall so it is easier to hide but it kills me to not be able to fit into any of my clothes and being too tired after working 12-13 hours to go to the gym. It is very difficult for me not to assume that his lack of passion in the bedroom is not somehow related to my body changing negatively. Plus it is just something else to make me feel worse about myself. The worst part is that he thinks it is stupid that I relate his low libido with my deterioting confidence, everytime I try to talk to him about it he brushes it off and makes it out to be my problem. He turns it into "sex shouldnt be the only thing that matters in our relationship" and I completely agree, but it is an important part. He is not a very emotional person and I am, so sex is one of the few ways to get that strong emotional connection from him and not having that kills my confidence in our relationship.

As a couple we have gone through our fair share of sh********t and really pushed the boundaries with each other but he is my best friend and the only man for me but I cannot continue to go on feeling so unattractive and insecure of myself and his intimate feelings towards me. I know this is all non sense but sometimes that little voice in the back of my head just takes over and puts everything back at the start where I confront him about it, he tells me over and over that it is not me, he tells me he is tired of the same conversations and that if I am this unhappy I should move on (which really bugs me and makes me feel worse that he would rather me give up than continue to make this work) and then I say I am sorry and he is right, he says he will act more on his urges when he gets them, 3 weeks go by with nothing and it starts over. I do not want to lose him over something so trivial but it impacts me so negatively that I do not know what to do. He does not think it is a big deal and treats it as such, not caring how it makes me feel because in his mind it means nothing. (he is very blunt - one of the many things I love but somewhat hate!!) I know I am not the only person struggling with this but I am in a funk and this is only making it worse. Any advice?

[Element]

It may not just be that he has a low sex drive, he should see a doctor and see if there is anything that can help him. In all honesty, if he isn't willing to do that to help your relationship, to help you, to help himself; then that says more than enough right there. Sex is not all there is to a relationship, but it is a part of it. And the whole relationship must always be worked on; sex included. And even if he is not able to get hard, he can at least assist you in other ways.

My boyfriend is 32 and I am 26, I have a much higher sex drive than him and when he is not in the mood but I am, he assists me. There have been a few times he's woken me up and he was in the mood and ready to go, I didn't turn him away and I assisted him.

Every single relationship needs work, it constantly has to be attended to. If your man is just content with the way things are, doesn't want to change, doesn't want to move forward; then you have a very hard decision to make. But it needs to be made. You are already frustrated with this, with time it will just simmer and get worse. You need answers, not excuses.

[vinnyt]

This is a post about my boyfriend's lack of libido. We have been together for about 2 years and have lived together for a little over a year. I am 23 and he is 32, age is just a number and nothing more. We talk of marriage, children, buying a house, moving across the country - he is the one, no questions asked, there is just one problem, he has almost no sex drive. Like usual, in the beginning we had sex everyday, several times a day and as time passed things slowed down. It was not until we moved in together after about 10 months where the brakes seriously pumped. Even then, it was still 1-2 times a week and I am perfectly fine with that. Then it turned into once a week and then once every two weeks and was initiated by me more and more and more. The initial instinct of there must be someone else kicked in, we talked he denied it and flat out told me he has a low sex drive. He unfortunately had a very experimental portion of his life with many many drugs when he was my age but has not been a problem in years (ended well before he met me) which I have done some research on and it seems legit. It just seems as more time goes on, the situation gets worse and worse. Before it was lack of sex because he rarely initiated it and I would wait until he would, then it got to a point where I could not wait and I always initiated it. Recently, he has been turning me down when I try and initiate it! In the past 2 months, we have had sex 3 times! (I know compared to some people this is a lot of sex but I do not want to ever get to that point!)The excuses are, I don't feel good, I have to get up early, I am tired, nothing is going on physically or he just acts like he doesn't realize I am trying to start things (sitting on top of him in my panties isn't a clear enough sign?!) I honestly believe that he has a super low sex drive and it is nothing more than that but it just kills my confidence. Over the last year I have come into a role of a beyond stressful job, working 60+ hours a week, having time for nothing and have honestly let myself go. I have gained about 40 pounds and am lucky enough to be tall so it is easier to hide but it kills me to not be able to fit into any of my clothes and being too tired after working 12-13 hours to go to the gym. It is very difficult for me not to assume that his lack of passion in the bedroom is not somehow related to my body changing negatively. Plus it is just something else to make me feel worse about myself. The worst part is that he thinks it is stupid that I relate his low libido with my deterioting confidence, everytime I try to talk to him about it he brushes it off and makes it out to be my problem. He turns it into "sex shouldnt be the only thing that matters in our relationship" and I completely agree, but it is an important part. He is not a very emotional person and I am, so sex is one of the few ways to get that strong emotional connection from him and not having that kills my confidence in our relationship.

As a couple we have gone through our fair share of sh****************t and really pushed the boundaries with each other but he is my best friend and the only man for me but I cannot continue to go on feeling so unattractive and insecure of myself and his intimate feelings towards me. I know this is all non sense but sometimes that little voice in the back of my head just takes over and puts everything back at the start where I confront him about it, he tells me over and over that it is not me, he tells me he is tired of the same conversations and that if I am this unhappy I should move on (which really bugs me and makes me feel worse that he would rather me give up than continue to make this work) and then I say I am sorry and he is right, he says he will act more on his urges when he gets them, 3 weeks go by with nothing and it starts over. I do not want to lose him over something so trivial but it impacts me so negatively that I do not know what to do. He does not think it is a big deal and treats it as such, not caring how it makes me feel because in his mind it means nothing. (he is very blunt - one of the many things I love but somewhat hate!!) I know I am not the only person struggling with this but I am in a funk and this is only making it worse. Any advice?

Hi there,
Here is a man's perspective. You might have few issues to deal with but as a man I can tell you its not a science why a man doesnt want to have sex.
His low sex drive could be due to very low testosterone levels.Otherwise any guy will initiate no matter how much weight you have gained. If he is secure enough he will get blood work and if so, get on HRT. That will change his life for good.
Do you honestly think you are his type? Does he make comments about movie stars or women he sees that he thinks they are hot, who happen to look completely the opposite of you? If so then I dont think you can do much about it.
Would you say sexually you completely fulfilled his sex fantasies? Is there anything he wanted you wouldnt do? Have you talked about it, are you sexually compatible?
The fact he would so easily say if you are not happy you should move on is not a good sign, hopefully is due to his insecurity from inability to get aroused enough to have sex. Have you made comments about his performance or size? if yes, nothing will change, any man knows where he stands when it comes to size and if he is on the small side then the insecurity will kill his drive.
If none of the above apply then maybe the weight you gained could be a big problem for him but he is trying to be politically correct. Lose the weight dont look for excuses not to go to the gym. Start eating right cut out all sugar, that alone will help you.
And last but not least, you are only 23 why waste your life in a relationships with serious issue which most of the time dont improve.

[rcoreyus]

You will find a lot of similar stories here, with the genders in either direction. It seems that different people can have very different sex drives and it is a serious problem when they are in a relationship. Many times it never improves. One bit of hope here is that he did have a much higher sex drive earlier, something has changed. He says he has a low sex drive, does he know why he was interested in sex much more often early in the relationship? See if you can get an honest answer - you REALLY want the truth, not what he wants you to hear. Early was he having sex more often just to please you, or did he really want it that much?

It is very unlikely that it is anything about your.

FWIW, I was in a relationship, than marriage where my wife's interest in sex gradually decreased (over 25 years!) from a few times a week, to once every few months. I was a really horrible strain on us. Then recently it suddenly changed and now we have a very active sex life - no idea why (she has not explanation, and since things are good now, I don't want to push it). So it can get better, but 25 years is a long time to wait.

[Stillness]

I'm in a similar situation to what rcoreyus' was. Like his, mine has also improved, though not as much as his and not nearly as much as I want. It's been a very difficult thing to deal with. We just recently had a breakthrough. Not because of her sex drive, but because we are both working hard at it. Because of my feelings for her and my beliefs about marriage, I'll continue to try to make it work. But, if I had known that marriage with her would be like this, I would not have done it.

I'd say that you should strongly consider your own advice to yourself and your boyfriend's:

I cannot continue to go on feeling so unattractive and insecure of myself and his intimate feelings towards me...he tells me he is tired of the same conversations and that if I am this unhappy I should move on

I'd also consider the strain you feel and imagine it for the next 40 or 50 years. You say that it bugs you that he feels this way, but in my opinion you should count it as a blessing that he's told you what he is before you go any further. You're still young and don't yet have the legal, familial, and financial ties you've been discussing. You already know what kind of life you'll be looking at with this man. In my eyes, the low sex drive is a secondary issue. His approach to the relationship is the real killer. I do believe that people can change, but they have to want to.

Also, sex drives change for all of us. For women it seems to go up and down because of your vicissitudes. That gives a man in your situation hope. For men in a relationship, they only change I've ever heard of is decrease - especially after 40ish.

Here's the math: You like sex regularly. Your mate doesn't. If there's any change to his sex drive it's likely to be even lower. Besides the physical mismatch, he's unwilling to even try to please you. That adds up to leaving a good man you love over sex OR living in unfulfilled misery for the rest of your life.

I can tell you for a fact that if something ever did happen to my marriage and I found myself on the dating scene again, I would never enter into a relationship with someone that doesn't want it to be highly sexual. She could be best friends with my mamma, feed the poor, love God, be smart, funny, loyal, pretty and great in the kitchen. But, unless she convinces me that her desire to be doing something with my penis on a regular basis approaches religious devotion, I'd drop her like a hot potato.

[dyunysus]

Hi

Hello let me first say, I'm sorry that your having problems. That being said, no man at the age of 32 loses his sex drive this fast. I am also 32 yrs old, male, and have been with the same women since i was 15. I still find her very attractive and am always chasing her, although her drive is less than mine at times. If he is showing no interest in sex, then he should be honest with you and tell you why. If its the extra weight, then he's a tool and you should leave his sorry *******. My wife and i have two kids and she gained about 70lbs from the two kids, and honestly i dont care. The simple fact is nobody's looks last forever, eventually we all gain a little. However i have to be honest if someone wants to lose weight they will. I'll tell you one thing that does kill and i mean kill my drive.... and that when my wife calls herself unattractive. If that is something you do then you need to stop. When men hear this from you gals it seeps deep into our minds and is hard to forget. well good luck

[maryjayne]

Thanks for the support. We had a long talk about this last night and have decided that continually bringing this up does not help the situation by any means. I need to let things happen naturally and stop trying to force something because it just puts more of a strain on the both of us. He even said he would go to the doctor tomorrow if this is really what I wanted, which really means a lot to me. Like previously said, relationships take consistant work and time and we are working together at this and that is all that matters.