[megnay]

I'm sure there are a variety of posts like this on here, but I thought I'd start a new one!

I'm a 22-year-old student. I was bullied a lot when I was younger due to my weight, and since then have kind of come into my own. I've gained A LOT of confidence, changed my style, and I really look like (and I do) care about myself. I'm a very outgoing person, great at talking to people, good on first dates, and very ambitious.

Throughout high school, I dated but never anything serious. I was very preoccupied with my job and my goals for university that I was never the type of girl that really wanted a boyfriend, unlike many who couldn't live without one.

Now that I'm in university, nearing graduation next year, I've kind of solidified most parts of my life. I have an amazing job, a great group of friends, a good relationship with my family, and a general map of what I want my future to look like... With all that said, I'm at the stage now where I really do want to be in a relationship. It's really the first time I've felt that way in a long time.

But every time I meet someone I like, my self-conscious "I'm-not-worthy" nature comes out. I get really scared of being rejected, even though guys DO pay interest in me, ask me out, hit on me, etc. In the back of my mind I'm always wondering... will he like me when he sees me naked? Will he like me knowing that I'm a virgin still? Those types of things. I'm very confident in my personality -- it's my physicality that I can't really love fully sometimes.

I think this is because I was bullied by guys as a young girl. I was a tomboy, so I suppose that helped in making me a target not only for girls, but for guys as well. I was only ever bullied for my weight. Girls, I can deal with, but I think it's the guys who called me fat that still live inside my brain.

After middle school (I switched schools after a very bad year), no one really called me fat again. People that once did wanted to be my friend, people LIKED me, and even to this day I find it hard to accept attention or accept that hey... MAYBE this guy really does like me.

People are surprised when I tell them I'm still a virgin. It is because I want my first time to be with someone special, someone I care for, and I don't think being confident in my body would change that... but I have met people I care for, that I refused to have sex with because of my views of my body.

I'm not tooting my own horn here, because I'm certainly not a supermodel, but I had a good friend who was probably about twice my size and was having sex, and with good looking guys at that. SHe now has a longterm boyfriend. THe thing is, I know she is VERY self-conscious with her body... yet she still has sex? And I know that shouldn't stop me, but it does, and I just don't understand it.

My brothers best friend is getting married to such an amazing girl... who is also quite overweight, while he is not. And I think it is absolutely beautiful that she is so confident in herself, when I know the pressure to be a stereotypical body type is so strong today. SHe is a beautiful person, and I envy that.

Sorry this is so drawn out! I do fall into the trap of comparing myself to other girls sometimes, but I am so over that now. I am so tired of essentially ruining potential relationships because I'm not confident in my body. My friends always tell me that I don't have anything to be self-conscious about, but that's easier said than done, isn't it?

Any advice would be so appreciated...

[megnay]

Anyone?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think your problem also has to do with age than being self-conscious . That being you are watching people around you get into intimate relationships and marriages, whereby you choose goals and work first.

There is nothing wrong with that, so did I.

Then there is the fact that you are a Virgin and the fear creeps in I think. Like how long will he stay, will he stay, will he pressure me, it's easier not to get involved.

Then you miss the intimacy and having a boyfriend, relationships.

I think it boils down to forgetting about your past, a lot of us were tomboys and picked on but turned out as swans

It's about finding the right guy that takes the time to get to know the inner you and falls for the inner you.. They are out there.. They are prepared to wait even if they have needs and have been cheeky in life, for a woman whom they fall in love with? That's different.

Just work out the core values and morals you are looking for in a man and follow your instinct as you date them .

[megnay]

Thanks... that does make me feel better about my situation. I suppose you're right -- it is just a matter of finding someone I really like. I think the longer I wait, the scarier "sex" becomes for me. But I'm definitely not willing to compromise. I know a lot of women older than me who are still virgins, too.

Thanks so much.

[MCR100]

I too was in your same boat. All through my life, my brother called me fat or ugly. In high school, I had just accepted my "fattness" and was shy and would not let anyone close, cause in my mind back then 'no one would want to be with this". But when I was 22, I met an amazing man who never made me feel self conscious or nervous about my body. I thought that being a 22 year old virgin would scare him off but he didn't care. He didn't care about my weight, my size 10 jeans or my lack of experience.

Keep your head up and remember you are beautiful, you will find a guy who doesn't care what size jeans you wear or what the number is on the scale.

[jns]

Well said, MCR100.

[LisaW1991]

I've met several guys who prefer large women, and think large women are very sexy. I am petite, and lot of guys find me attractive. Basically there are guys who like every type of woman there is, its the media and culture that seems to define what is considered to be ideal from a public perspective.

Want to run to president some day? Better make sure your partner fits the image, but if you're just looking for the right person for you, then find the person who makes you happy, and not be concern what others think.

Yeah, its all much easier to talk about, than to try live as a person who does not fit into what is considered "Normal". But, those people who look perfect\normal, rarely have perfect lives, and if you knew what secrets they kept, you'd might be saying "I'm glad my problem is just being larger than normal, I wouldn't trade my problems for hers."

[CoolBreeze]

Megnay you are a successful woman who has worked her way in life. I can feel that you share a passion for clear concise goals and achievements. The fact that you are able to perform a self analysis and find the reason of your hesitation clearly means that you also have the wherewithal to psychologically overcome this. Please remember that no matter how you look or don't look, it would be your confidence and approach towards others in life which matter the most. Everyone has a fear of rejection, don't let it beat you down. It's normal. You have achieved much in life and have the right to go out and make your self seen and known on life's stage. What happened in the past is gone, what you have now is the present and the potential to make a future according to your liking.
All the best.

[megnay]

I really do appreciate all of your support.

I recently pushed myself to go on a date with a guy I met. It went really well but I felt no real connection (which I have felt before!) But making myself go on dates is helping a bit...

[LisaW1991]

I really do appreciate all of your support.

I recently pushed myself to go on a date with a guy I met. It went really well but I felt no real connection (which I have felt before!) But making myself go on dates is helping a bit...

Yeah, its good that you're getting out. Never know what good things could happen or who you'll meet next. Pretty sure sitting at home too much never helps anyone. A friend of mine met her husband standing in line at Starbucks. .

No matter what size you are, or what you look like, most guys always like someone who is active and has a strong sense of self.