[LisaW1991]

One of my friends has been dating a guy since last summer and she really likes him a lot, and he is a decent guy who treats her well, but I have a feeling he's not the type of guy that can be sexually monogamous. By that I mean, he needs\wants to have multiple sex partners, even if he is in one 'emotional' relationship with one person.

On several occasions he has said and done very subtle things to signal to me he is interested in having sex. Its nothing overt, just small things where there is an opportunity for me to signal back that I am interested. For the most part I have just ignored it and pretend to be clueless about it. If we both were 'avaiable', I might have sex with him, but we both are seeing other people so I don't want to go there.

When I was freshmen in college I made the mistake of having sex with a guy my roommate was dating. He ended up liking me just as much as he liked her, and I kinda rationalized the whole situation and I had sex with him several times. I rationalized that since they weren't married\engaged\committed\etc, it was OK indulge myself and have sex with him. In the long run, it turned out to be a very bad idea because she found out and was hurt that we having sex without her knowing about it.

Anyway, It just makes me wonder if there are people who, by their nature and sexual desires, find it very difficult to be sexually monogamous. Not talking about being married, getting bored with being married, and deciding to have affairs. I am talking about people who have the need\desire to have multiple sex partners all the time, and find it impossible to be with just one person.

[CoolBreeze]

Lisa being sexual monogamous is a decision one makes based upon criterion which mostly fall beyond human sexuality. For example had you been in the relationship during college with full consent or knowledge of your friend, then it would probably have had a very different outcome. It was lack of communication not the actual sexual intimacy that caused contention. Having multiple sex partners becomes a necessity if one is to exercise one's sexuality to it's peak potential. Having said that it's not the same with everyone. You can still have vanilla sex and find it to be very fulfilling. Just don't blame yourself if you dwell into waters considered too deep or taboo for the norm. Nothing is taboo as long as you and your partner(s) are enjoying it mutually without any guilt.
You are young and can experiment, but be cautious to keep communication channels open with your friend. If she and her guy are secure in their emotional bond they will find an open sex life to be very fulfilling without a threat to their relationship. The same goes for you and our partner. Just bear in mind that there are a lot of swingers in this world who live happy guilt free lives because they have taken a decision and keep communication with their partners about it very clear. Happy experimenting and best wishes.

[LisaW1991]

Thanks for your open minded advice. As a general comment, as long as people are open\honest with each other, then I don't have problem with having multiple sex partners.

In this case, my friend has not had a lot sexual experience yet. She has only had sex a couple of times before she hooked up with her current BF, and she didn't really enjoy her previous sexual encounters. She comes from very religious and conservative family that expects girls not to have sex until marriage. She commented to me that she wished she met had her bf years ago because she's just now discovering how much she enjoys sex. She said she never had an orgasm before, and now he gives her intense ones every time they have sex. Based on what she told me, he has had a lot sexual experience with several different partners.

[rcoreyus]

Various forms of open relationships can work for some people. Often though there are problems because many people develop an emotional bond when they are intimate. This sort of bonding with multiple people can lead force you into all sorts of awkward choices between people.

So, I don't think it is morally wrong as long as no one is being deceived, but I think that it doesn't work well for most people.

[CoolBreeze]

Thanks for your open minded advice. As a general comment, as long as people are open\honest with each other, then I don't have problem with having multiple sex partners.

In this case, my friend has not had a lot sexual experience yet. She has only had sex a couple of times before she hooked up with her current BF, and she didn't really enjoy her previous sexual encounters. She comes from very religious and conservative family that expects girls not to have sex until marriage. She commented to me that she wished she met had her bf years ago because she's just now discovering how much she enjoys sex. She said she never had an orgasm before, and now he gives her intense ones every time they have sex. Based on what she told me, he has had a lot sexual experience with several different partners.

You are welcome. Your friend is lucky to have an experienced bf. Religion and conservative customs always curtail human pursuits of pleasure. Just remember that poor is the person whose pleasures are subject to someone else's approval or disapproval. Just don't push her into doing something she doesn't want. She will gradually come around.

[Stillness]

I had lunch with two coworkers yesterday. One dismissed herself to go outside for a smoke. The other said, "I wish I was going with you." A genuine sadness came over his face. He told me how much he loved smoking. He knew it was healthier for him not to be, but he still craved cigarretes. Then the conversation turned weird.

He started justifying smoking! He started saying that he had gained weight. He had done research on the studies that determined secondhand smoke was bad and was calling them fabricated. He went on and on until he realized I wasn't going to buy it even a little.

The mind weasels around facts to create an alternate world where our desires are good, if we let it. I don't think that polyamory is always the worst thing in the world, but even in cultures where it's accepted I think it's inferior to monogamy. In the Western world, even in places where it's winked at, I think we're fooling ourselves if we think it's an individual thing. Pointing out couples that "make it work and are happy" is just like the smoker that points to his great-uncle that lived until 100 and smoked every day.

Sometimes religion and tradition are in place for our good. Of course, there are people that find monogamy difficult. I don't think it means that promiscuity or polyamory is better for them, though.

[LisaW1991]

You are welcome. Your friend is lucky to have an experienced bf. Religion and conservative customs always curtail human pursuits of pleasure. Just remember that poor is the person whose pleasures are subject to someone else's approval or disapproval. Just don't push her into doing something she doesn't want. She will gradually come around.

Whether or not she gets into having multiple partners (ie Swinging) will be something she'll figure out with her bf, I won't get in the middle of it. If she does, I won't be judgemental about it. I just know that getting in the middle of it wouldn't work for me based on my past experience. If she does, I think it will be some time before she even considers having multiple partners; right now she reminds of teenage girl who just discovering her own sexual feelings and desires, something I did 10 years ago (at least that when I started). I think she has always been a very sexual person, but because of her family background, she's repressed it. She seems much more relax now and doesn't fight her desire to have sex. Before, she kinda treated sex like it was something that would cause her life to spin out control like using drugs, at least if she had sex like she does now. From what she said, sex has made her life better, not worse like she was thinking\taught. She still has some conflicts about it, but no where near like she did in the past.

[HisGirl]

Personally I feel that the ownership (belonging) of one person to the other is so closely tied to attraction that I wouldn't feel attraction to someone who isn't exclusive. Knowing that you're his and he's yours is where the attraction lies.

Not everyone feels that way though. I'm sure there are many people who find monogamy unsustainable and even unnatural. I think in large part it is determined by your culture, where you are in life and your past experiences. The same person who cannot live momogamous early in life may feel entirely different at a later stage of life.

[jns]

Lisa, your friend now has a bf who is not only experienced, but has learned how to be good in bed. This has your friend's head spinning all because of chemicals running around in her brain. Do you think she would think of finding pleasure somewhere else? No way. On the other hand, with the more experience he has comes a lessened response to your friend, so he is always testing the water. In a way its unfortunate she is with him instead of a guy who sees it as a good thing when a girl is head over heels in love with him and jumps in with both feet.

There are a lot of guys who would have relationships with two or more girls at the same time if they could get away with it. The usually learn that things can blow up and they end up with no girls and a bad reputation.

[antsinmypants26]

It sounds like your biggest concern may not be her boyfriend cheating, but you falling into that path again. Men are often flirtatious without realizing it, so it's important to really consider if he is actually proposing sex with you, or just joking around with you because he is comfortable. Men usually go very strongly for what they want, so if it's just a few comments I'd reconsider being so concerned. You stated that if you were both single you would possibly sleep with him, and that's an issue for you and for your friend. If any of my friends ever thought of my boyfriend in that aspect I wouldn't consider them a friend at all. Maybe you just need to take a step back from the situation and not be so involved with the two of them, instead just focusing on your relationship with her. Good luck in this situation, it sounds tricky though.