[Accountant]

I think that there is a big difference between turning down new things in bed, and in trying to embarrass the person who suggested them ("why would I want to do that...."). There are a number of things that some people enjoy that I wouldn't want to do, but there is almost nothing that my wife could suggest where I would respond with shock or horror.

If he is only shy in bed, then you may be able to gradually lead him to more interesting things. If he reacts badly to suggestions then it will feel like a mine-field, never knowing what is safe to suggest.

One difficulty is that since I'm quite broad in my interests, I can't put myself in the mindset of someone who is offended by sexual suggestions from their partner. Maybe more useful than information from someone in the same situation as the original poster, would be a post from someone who has been offended by requests in bed to help understand that point of view.

Very good idea. I like that.

Everyone, please feel free to share any stories about being offended in bed.

I can definitely see how a person could be offended if their partner continuously needed them to play a role that is far from their own self...Say, if my husband could only get off if I wore costumes in bed. That might make me wonder, Do I, myself, turn my husband on, or is it just this stupid costume? I can definitely understand that.

I don't think suggesting a new position or change of scenery should be offensive AT ALL. But that's just coming from my point of view. Curious to see if anyone else has something to say. =)

I will add this:
My husband's childhood was laced with strong religious views of "sin" - sex, alcohol, etc. I know this has helped formulate his view of the world and his opinions of certain "taboo" activities, even sex with his own wife. I believe this upbringing may be a big factor in making him withdrawn when discussing sex. I will have to keep this in mind when trying to discuss this issue - I don't think he is being intentionally selfish/mean/boring; it's just how his mind has been molded to view certain things.

I was raised with a similar background, but, obviously, I saw the light and embraced sex. I sometimes worry, though, that our conflicting views of certain things, sex included, could cause a rift between us. But that's why I'm here - to avoid that. =]

[ashley_21]

I, too, am going through the same exact thing with my husband. You can call us newlyweds since we said "I do" in may of this year. However, I was well aware of this issue long before we got hitched. He is very reserved, doesn't talk dirty, and not much of a foreplay kinda guy. I even asked him what his fantasies were & his reply was "I already have everything I want." Talking to him about it is almost impossible. I even get uncomfortable when i try to tell him what i like. (Which he only got a small taste of what turns me on) Sex was always a huge part of a relationship for me. It either made the relationship better or broke it. I am extremely passionate person. I love sex and I am very open when it comes to new things. Another thing I have against me is I have A.D.H.D. I get bored VERRYYYY quick. I agree with what you're going through and would love some more feedback on this.

[JonDoe]

Most guys don't like asking for directions. Perhaps your man is simply inexperienced in other sexual positions and is either too embarrassed or ashamed to seek sexual knowledge. Your partner may not be comfortable searching the Internet for this type of information, in which case I recommend for you to do the homework and buy a good book, leaving it in a convenient place for your partner to find it and read it in the comfort of home.

Some people simply prefer routine, while others get bored easily. This applies to most things in life, driving, cooking, exercising, and of course sex, just to name a few. If this is the case for your partner, then you will have to take charge to spice things up on the kitchen and the bedroom. In fact, next time try telling your partner something similar to the following "I don't know what has come over me, but I am so turned on that I want to make love to you right here, right now!"

Another recommendation is to share an idea with your partner as if it where a dream you had last night. The next time you are starting to get frisky with your partner, say "I had a very sexy dream about you last night!" Wait for your partner to give at least a slightly inquisitive signal for you to proceed into the details. Obviously, you want to think about the dream ahead of time so you can tell a story that builds with anticipation. You certainty don't want to jump straight from "I had a sexy dream about you last night.", and then immediately follow with "We had anal sex." I think it is best to do this when the two of you are relaxed, laying in bed and have a few extra minutes to spend together.

[LizziB]

I came from a religious background also, and while I did have some reservations, like it took me a while to be comfortable with oral, I've always been fairly open minded about sex and comfortable with my sexuality. My sister however is very reserved sexually, she's recently married, and i'm not sure if she's changed any opinions, but she was always dead against oral, luckily she married a man who felt the same way. So I understand how religion and strict views on sex can make it 'boring' for lack of a better word.

Personally, the only thing that i've turned down my partner for was sucking his balls, my response was a rather tactless, "ew, no!" He hasn't asked again, though I did tell him maybe I would if he shaved his balls, haha.

Since i'm fairly open minded, i'm not sure that it's quite the same though, my reservations were more physical (I didn't want his ball hair in my mouth!) While it sounds like your husbands issue is mental, he just isn't interested in trying new things.

Maybe try taking advantage of your more dominant role, and you could do the 'punching' you could try dressing up in a sexy outfit and surprising him. My partner loves it when I initiate and take charge so maybe have a go at that?

[LizziB]

Oops, pouncing, not punching! not trying to encourage violence!

[Lovcookie]

These sexual incompatibilities eventually lead to break ups unless dealt with straight on. You got to have easy open communications with him and explain how frustrated you are. If he don't get it or wants to stick his head in the sand try counseling otherwise in the end you will be so frustrated my might either break up or have an affair one day.

[ashley_21]

I'm sure your reply was in response to accountants original post, but I do agree with some of your ideas/thoughts. I didn't go into much detail in my reply, but I am in the same boat as accountant. It's the same thing every time. Missionary on the bed until he slyly tells me to go down on him until he finishes. He has never ONCE made sure I was taken care of before or after he got off. I would surprise him by giving him oral before he went to work or bed. I always makes sure he is satisfied.
I know he looks at porn. My guess would be everytime he's alone which is 5 days a week. That leads me to believe he has a wild side even if just a small one.
Another thing that really concerns me is he never initiates it. It's always me. Every time. He's 37 & I am 26. You think he would want more of his young, hot, (hehe) bride !

Signed,
Sexually frustrated and tired of being the dominant one everytime.

[rcoreyus]

Its sad how many relationships seem to become sexually one-sided. Maybe its just natural, the person who has more interest in sex winds up doing all the work in order to get any. I used to be in a very unbalanced relationship where I basically did everything my wife wanted, and got very little in return. This has not changed completely (I don't know why), and its very mutual now. Even so there is a tendency to wind up repeating the same things that work well, and it takes some effort to keep trying new things.

LizziB - Why "ew no", rather than "I don't think I'd like that', or "maybe if you shave, I don't want hair in my mouth". I really don't want to put you on the spot, but I'm interested in what causes a negative reaction like that, I think it is important to the discussion.

[DreamP346]

Buy some books and suggest reading them together. There is the classic The Joy of Sex. I love Guide to Getting it On. The latter is a fun read. It can be fun and also gaze his interest. Maybe have a few drinks to loosen him up first so he will be open to talking.

Get some sex board games. This way you aren't telling him what to do, the game is.

[Obelisk]

Ok it sounds like it's the religious thing that is affecting him.

He probably has a deep rooted fear that God is going to punish him if he actually enjoys sex, and in his mind he's probably picked a "safe" position so that he can get release, but not feel that he's getting too much pleasure from it.

Anyone with religious gripes about sex in general, or oral, should read the book in the Old Testament "Song of Songs". The entire book is like a poem to the pleasure of sex and of being with a woman (assumingly written by Solomon).