[Toxic]

Okay, I have a little dilemma that I feel I need some advice on. I have been with my boyfriend of 6 years this August. We met in high school, he was 15 and I was 17 when we got together. Now he's 21 and I'm 23. Our relationship has been for the most part, awesome. We are very communicative and we practically tell each other everything. He used to have anger problems a year or two ago, but he's been a lot better. He can also be very dramatic sometimes, but I think that's because he comes from a really dramatic family. x.x

Anyway, we had an agreement for years that I didn't feel comfortable if he looks at porn/naked women/erotic pictures whatever on the internet. So he (at least has told me) that he hasn't looked at it for about 5 years, though he did tell me he looked at it almost everyday when we first got together until I found out and he stopped. We used to have a really good sex life until this last year; my sex drive has decreased.. and I find myself not wanting it nearly as much as I used to. But he still does, of course, and I expect him to. Though I do feel like I've been wanting it a bit more as of late. I also used to not want him to masturbate without me, which I finally felt was completely selfish of me.. so I am totally fine with it now.

Let me add that we only see each other maybe 3 days a week now because I still live with my parents and I haven't moved in with him yet.. and currently my car is broken so I have to rely on public transportation, also he works 5 days a week from about 7:30am to 6pm. And I don't come over because we'd only get like 3 hours to spend with each other before he has to go to bed. So, we really only see each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We've been having sex issues for awhile now and half the time I just feel like not doing it. I don't know why, I used to be so into sex. But I AM trying to make more of an effort. He feels we have such different sex drive levels, and I agree.. but I don't want him to leave me for it. :/ Because we have such an emotional connection and I feel we are just so in sync in everywhere else. Like everything. Only the sex is the issue in our relationship at the moment.

So let me get to the point, a couple days ago he asked me, "Why are you so jealous about me looking at porn?" And he knows how I feel about him wanting to look at it. We've been in an off and on argument this past week about him wanting me to be okay with him looking at it. From a stand point, I can somewhat understand that he wants to have something to look at when he's alone during the week when he masturbates. But I just can't get over the fact of him looking at other women to jerk off. He tells me they aren't real, and that if I was around he would be all over me and not even want to look at anything else. Of course he says he'd choose being intimate with me over looking at 'smut' on the internet. He's been constantly trying to reassure me that it's just an aid to get him off. And that he'd never meet any of the women, or want to be with them. He reassures me he's totally in love with me a lot and that he'd rather be with no one else. But.. like a lot of girls out there that I've read, I can't help but feel a bit insecure with the IDEA of him masturbating to total strangers on the internet. I know it's apparently normal for guys to still look at porn in relationships, as long as it doesn't hinder their sex life and they aren't addicted. And he tells me he won't be addicted, that he just wants to look at it in moderation.. when I'm not around to please him.

Should I be okay with that? Should I be worried? I keep living in a world of 'what-ifs'.. what if he becomes addicted, what if he wants me to look like the women he looks at online, what if he becomes un-attracted to me? I mean, I know I'm not pleasing him enough sexually and I need to work on it, and I know I can't be there 24/7. He says if I was there 24/7 that he wouldn't feel the need to look at porn. I'm becoming more okay with the idea of letting him look at it sometimes as an aid, because I'm not readily available. And it's only fair. When we do have sex, it's good and he is always ready and is really into it. He still compliments how sexy I look and how beautiful I am. I guess I just want reassurance that it's normal to be okay that my boyfriend looks at porn on occasion. I mean of course my ideal relationship would be for him not to look at other women to get off, and only me.. but I've been reading up about it the last couple days and I guess a lot of guys can look at porn and still think their significant other is still as attractive as ever. I'm just mainly scared of the what ifs. I HATE IT. >_<

Sorry if this is really long.

[Element]

Sex and porn are pretty much taboo in society. They aren't openly spoken about, there are barely any in depth conversations about them. I think you need to determine what you like, don't like about both and if your partner disagrees; is this a line for you and you will end the relationship?

My mother has a strong "no porn" line in her marriage, so I grew up with the straight answer of "porn is bad". But as I became an adult, I disagree with her. In fact, I never saw it until I became sexually active and wanted to learn more. How to before a blowjob. How to ride a man without my legs getting so tired. What the heck to do in the bedroom when things are just getting started.

When my man told me that he's a bit into voyeurism, that he has in the past watched porn with someone just have some "mood background noise" to get started. Sometimes he liked to visualize he was with the woman on the screen. I was a bit curious on how this worked for him. So, I decided to give it a shot for him. And honestly the hardest part was finding a video that "worked" for us. Seeing two people begin to get aroused, have sex, and then turn to my man to have sex with him while hearing two people going at it; I can understand why he likes it. But it's not a constant thing for him. It's just something to do once in a blue moon so things are mixed up a bit; it's not the same 'ol, same 'ol. In the almost year and a half we've been sexually active, we've done this maybe 3 times.

I don't have a problem with him looking at porn. But that's what we established in our relationship. I do not control him, just as he does not control me. He can look at whatever it is that he wants, just as I can look at whatever I want. But if something hurts any aspect in our relationship; then obviously we need to speak about it.

If you have a strong stance about porn; then search yourself and figure out why. Then speak to him about it. He may be thinking the total and complete opposite of you and you two aren't even reading the same book, so there's no way you can be on the same page.

If you are scared to being compared to women in porn, then tell him straight up "you've been with me for 6 years, you know who I am, how I am and what I am. Don't expect me to be anyone else BUT me. And never try to change me." But also if he finds something intriguing from a video and he brings it up to you; don't jump to "I"m suppose to the girl in the scene so he can mentally have sex with her." He's found something that he likes, and he wants to experience it with you. Trying new things is good, as long as you two are both comfortable with it. We all have fantasies. There is a lot to sex and you can't learn without trying. He may ask to try something and you love it, but he won't enjoy it.

[DreamP346]

Toxic, here are a few additional things to consider while you are trying to make a decision.

Looking at porn is not "normal for men." Its just that it is very accessible and many people (men and women) do look at porn even though they are in a relationship. Usually, there is nothing wrong with it and can be part of a healthy relationship. If you do agree to let you boyfriend watch porn, it shouldn't be because you think all men do it, or its normal for men to want it. It should be because you feel comfortable introducing it into your relationship.

Many folks watch porn and have no problems. However, there is a growing number of people who are having issues because of their porn habit. This is especially true for young people (teens) who watch it and get unrealistic views about sex. However, since both of you are older and sexually experienced, this probably won't be a problem. As long as you guys maintain realistic expectations of sex, you should be fine.

Here are some suggestions:
- Try watching some porn together. Maybe it can be something fun that you do together
- Would you feel comfortable giving him erotic pictures of yourself? This way he can have something to masturbate to when you are not there. Also, phone sex helps provide stimulation. It doesn't always have to be something visual.
- Ask him to limit himself to feminist or women-friendly porn. Basically this consist of women of various sizes (more everyday looking women) and they usually don't do the hardcore stuff. Its more realistic sex.

[Toxic]

Here are some suggestions:
- Try watching some porn together. Maybe it can be something fun that you do together
- Would you feel comfortable giving him erotic pictures of yourself? This way he can have something to masturbate to when you are not there. Also, phone sex helps provide stimulation. It doesn't always have to be something visual.
- Ask him to limit himself to feminist or women-friendly porn. Basically this consist of women of various sizes (more everyday looking women) and they usually don't do the hardcore stuff. Its more realistic sex.

Yeah, he is open to the idea of watching a porn together, I just feel like he'd be paying more attention to what's on screen than on me. But that's probably just me who thinks that. :/

And yes, I am okay with giving erotic pictures of myself to him, I just don't want the possibility of me being naked in pictures going across the internet if we ever do decide to break up in the future.
And I did ask him, "Why wouldn't me giving you pictures of my self be enough for you to look at?" He says, he'd look at them as well as porn.
He also tells me he doesn't want to look at the hardcore stuff, just stuff he's interested in.. like nerdy erotic pictures of girls, asses, boobs, and more natural porn where it seems more real and not fake.
I honestly don't think any of this porn stuff would've come up if I was with him more and gave him more sex. >_< But now it's too late. I guess I should be glad he wants me to be okay with it rather than hide it.. and he said he's willing to show me what he looks at next time I see him. He says he wants to not feel constricted as to what he does in his spare time.
He also doesn't really have an addictive personality.. besides to pot, but that's about it.

I mean, I don't want him to look at it in the end. But I don't want me being too insecure about him looking at a couple of pictures of t.its or whatever to help him get off when I'm not there, to end our 6 year relationship.