[rr48]

Hi! I am 25 years old and engaged to be married in January.

My fiance and I have been together for over two and a half years. For the first year we were long distance and the second year we were in the same city and then in the same apartment. Recently I have noticed something that is starting to bother me.

We have a great sex life. We don't argue often and we don't have any trouble sexually. We are attracted to each other and enjoy having sex with each other and I have never noticed an issue and my fiance has said every time we have sex that he loved it. The problem is he will masturbate quite often while looking at porn still. When I am not home the computer comes out and he starts to masturbate. Lately he will do this more than have sex with me. Sometimes I will even see the porn on the computer history. I won't say anything about it, but when I ask him if he has masturbated at all that day he will say no. I know that is not the case because I saw the internet history for myself. I just feel like he still masturbates when he gets enough sex from me and even teases me all the time and likes to see me naked. Like I said, I see no issues with sex on the surface. He likes to touch me, fondle me, and still have sex.

I guess I am just wondering what is going on inside his head. Why does he still need to watch porn and masturbate when he can have me anytime he wants. I always say yes to sex and am always up for it. I start to feel like I am just a failure when he has to revert to porn and masturbation, but I have even asked him this and he says that I am not a failure and satisfy him a lot.

Okay, if that is the case "Why are you still masturbating and watching porn when I am not around??"

Help!

[jns]

This is about him, not about you. Young men these days grow up with internet porn and start masturbating to it fairly young. It is their sexual release. I think in many cases, when they are around a lover, they have a great time having sex. But if they are horny and their lover is not available, they go to the old standby that has been part of their life for a long time. Further, it is such an easy solution as opposed to waiting a while to have sex.

You should talk with him and have him understand how it makes you feel inadequate. Ask him to hold off until you can satisfy him and have him satisfy you.

[Element]

I agree with jns. I also suggest asking him what kind of porn it is that he likes. Is there some sort of fantasy he hasn't disclosed to you yet? Does he feel like he's getting "ideas" from it to try out with you?

To a point I understand watching porn and learning from it; new positions, "dirty talk" that one is comfortable with, new erotica. But if you feel he's declining in sleeping with you in favor of a video and his hand; then obviously a talk is needed as to of why he makes this decision. It's best to speak of this now before wedding each other, in case this is something that might be a deal break for either of you. Or even needs time to change.

[rcoreyus]

I think that masturbating to porn is ok IF it doesn't interfere with the rest of your sex life, but if he is turning you down for sex or being less interested in you, then that is a big problem. Do you feel like he is watching porn when he could be intimate with you, or only when you are not available?

Since you have looked at his porn history, is it just generic, or is there some fantasy / fetish that he is interested in? (not saying you should go along with fetishes if you don't want, just trying to understand).

You will see lots of discussions on this board on this topic - its a common problem and absolutely not something you are doing wrong.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Men have been masturbating to porn since the caveman (or cavewomen) could paint a sexual picture on the cave wall. Men naturally seek variety and looking at young, naked women is hard wired into us. Socially, a man commits to one woman, but his brain is ALWAYS thinking about other women. Because porn is available 24/7 at the click of a mouse for free, it is up to the man to exercise self control. If your fiancée is viewing internet porn every single day this could be problematic. You'll never be able to prevent him from fantasizing about other women but neither should he contaminate his desire for you by masturbating to porn every day. Once or twice a month for his own indulgence - ok, don't worry about it (especially if you watch the porn with him). But most of the time YOU should be the focus of his desire (and watching porn all the time will make this increasingly difficult for him due to the difference in stimuli). Gently approach this subject over a glass of ice tea by saying how you occasionally enjoy pleasuring yourself when you're alone. Then let him bring up his private habits and fantasies. Once you're married he is still entitled to some private thoughts but not at the expense of your happiness. I hope this helps you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ok, so I perfectly understand masturbation for a man. It's called a relief.

There are women who will state, as a matter of fact that they give their man sex 24/7 but he still masterbates and those that don't give him enough sex and realise that, and that, their man masterbates.

We get it's a chore. But that's carp, no offense. Foreplay from a woman to a man, the heat and build up with sex as you are well aware is better than masturbation, it's intimacy.

Women need to be honest with themselves about human nature: you can never, and will never, fully satisfy a man. A man has a sexual life that you will never, and can never, be a part of. Any man, if he is healthy, will look at any 18-30 year, attractive girl, and think thoughts you'd rather he wasn't thinking. Whether he's married. Whether that 18 year old is his daughters friend. Doesn't matter. He's thinking those thoughts. He won't act on them, because he's got a good deal with you (in fact, in most cases, he'll repressed them, because they are uncomfortable for him too).

This is your personal opinion, in my opinion.. Everyone fantasises at some point in their life and NOT every man looks at girls / women if they are in a satisfying relationship..

The reality of it is, if you settle you look. If you are in love you won't .

That's the reality .

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I forgot the smiley face But honestly, don't you think if you were with a woman whom was instinct with you and you with her, that your thought pattern would be What? Previously, it was what you thought.. Now, your mind is confused.

Just an honest question.

[HisGirl]

What's a bloke?

I think you make some good points Hesse. I never ask my husband if, when or what he masterbates to. I don't think it's my business. What goes on in someone's head is private and should stay there.

[jns]

Bloke is British or Australian for guy usually an ordinary guy.

[HisGirl]

Got it. Thanks, jns.