[needsadivcefromwemon]

my girlfriend and myself have been together for 3 years I am 18 she is 19 we haven't had sexual intercourse because shes not ready and she is absolutely terrified of the act of intercourse and i respect that. However recently she told me that she wanted me to be more dominate in our sexual relationship. I'm not sure what she means by this if anyone has any insight into this situation please i need advice. she has a fear of sexual intercourse.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum.

In a way that's a guessing game so I am going to take a guess.

She has a fear.

She states "be dominant" ..

The only way to get over a fear is to face it head on. If you can't do that, you have someone do that for you.

By being dominant, you take the lead. You take control. You are the "man"... I don't think that it means just do it, if that is what you are taking from my comments, rather, take control of making her change her mind to wanting to try it. I don't think she likes the fear, I think she likes the feeling of being sensual, sexual.

When she is ready you will know, more than likely she will say a word or two but in the interim, :-

I think most women love the man to be the dominant one, instead of them initiating or doing..

[rcoreyus]

You need to talk to her. While it is common for some women to want to be dominated, misunderstandings can be really tragic. I don't think you can just take a guess - sit down and find out what she really wants.

[kira]

I agree she wants you to push things a little. Help get closer to sex. What have you done so far and maybe people can give you ideas what to do next?

[needsadivcefromwemon]

everything with the exception of intercourse

I agree she wants you to push things a little. Help get closer to sex. What have you done so far and maybe people can give you ideas what to do next?

everythi

[HisGirl]

Since you already have a sexual relationship, she wants you to take the lead in moving it forward into intercourse. What’s the basis of her fear? Religious, cultural taboos? Psychological scars, fear of pregnancy? Find out what makes her afraid of it and work on neutralizing those fears. Does she have insecurities? If so, put them to rest. She needs you to make it safe for her. She needs to know that you won’t leave her afterward. She wants you to lead her and teach her and make her feel comfortable with it.

[DreamP346]

You don't know unless you ask. So you really need to have open communication.

Here are some suggestions. Being dominate doesn't mean being forceful or taking without asking. Its doing it with confidence. For example, instead of asking in a polite, soft tone, you say in a confident and determined tone. Instead of saying "can I touch you?" and looking at her with a questioning look, you look at her seductively and say with confidence, "I want to touch you." Tone and attitude go a long way. Also, don't beg. Sometimes, when one partner in a relationship doesn't want sex, the other partner keeps asking and asking and asking... It starts to sound like a child whining.

Also, take the lead. She's already said what she doesn't want to do. Then you can tell her about all the other stuff you can do. Tell her what to do and how to do it. Not degradingly or threateningly. Its more about being confident in what you want and asking for it. Don't just wait for her to tell you what's off limits. Discuss it before hand. Knowledge is very seductive. So, instead of just getting intimate and trying new things and waiting for her to say, "no" to them, you take control and say, "I'm going to do xyz to you, then I would like you to do abc to me. Does that work for you." Both situations require the partner's permission. Except one is doing it passively by waiting for the negative response, while the other take more control.

However, this may not be at all what your partner is talking about. Some people do like to play with force and being called degrading names. You won't know unless you talk to her about it.

[rcoreyus]

Maybe, but maybe not. Its absolutely vital that you find out what she means by dominant. Maybe she wants you to strongly lead her towards intercourse, maybe she feels that she has already said no to that and she wants something completely different.

Dominant can mean anything from just telling her what you want, to play-rape.

She knows what she wants, but you don't and no one on this board can know.

Since you already have a sexual relationship, she wants you to take the lead in moving it forward into intercourse. What’s the basis of her fear? Religious, cultural taboos? Psychological scars, fear of pregnancy? Find out what makes her afraid of it and work on neutralizing those fears. Does she have insecurities? If so, put them to rest. She needs you to make it safe for her. She needs to know that you won’t leave her afterward. She wants you to lead her and teach her and make her feel comfortable with it.